AIBU for struggling to understand why my neighbour does not leave?

[Howyoudoings]

I know I will probably get ridiculed for this but I would like someone to explain. I will start by saying I am autistic so I see things differently and probably more straightforwardly than others. My neighbour is in an abusive relationship. He is horrible to her. From the moment they woke up this morning at 7 o'clock he already said he hates her and called her a see you next Tuesday. She works from home and she is not allowed to have friends. She goes nowhere apart from dropping her kid off at school and coming back. Yet he constantly claims she is cheating. She rents the house, it is in her name, and she pays all the bills. He is controlling, demanding, and constantly argues. She cries in the garden saying she hates him, and the kid says he hates his dad. She tells the child that is why she stays away from him, meaning she spends as much time in the garden as she can. Now this is what I do not get. Why not leave? I have spoken to her and all she ever says is that it is not that easy. But why isn’t ?
I feel sorry for the kid because they are the only one in a situation they truly cannot leave. I think as a mother your child is the most important thing. so I never understand why you would let your child grow up in a household like that. If you can’t leave for yourself leave for your child .

If being abused helped people to think rationally and calmly they wouldn't need all that therapy afterwards.

All possible. In my experience, another very common reason is that there were about ten minutes at the start of the relationship where it was blissful, and occasionally there are flashes of that again, and women keep thinking that someday, somehow, those ten minutes will reappear and be permanent.

It's illegal to change the locks and like it or not if he's her husband, he has home rights to the home.

Her only option is to contact Citizens Advice or better still National Domestic Abuse helpline, and Women's aid.

If it's social housing she can get the council to evict him.

www.gov.uk/government/news/domestic-abusers-to-be-evicted-under-new-landmark-housing-law

And that’s why I said I will probably never understand .as I will never understand how anyone could allow that for their child. And it does make me angry .that innocent children are left to live in this torturous live . I think most people would be angry and that . i would be concerned if they wasn’t .

Then you must be the most perfect person on earth. Sorry.

Why because I search for answers and solutions think it actually a very popular autistic trait. And why would you be sorry after saying what you choose to say ? Or was that also out of your hands that you can take no responsibility for .

I kind of agree with you OP, I have a lot of empathy for women trying to leave situations like this, or who are genuinely terrified of the father getting unrestricted access to the children and being affraid he will hurt them, and would always support them in those situatios.

However, my sympathy dwinddles when women just sit in these relationships, enabling the abuse of their kids, sometimes simply because "but I love him" (I'm not implying this is the case with your neighbour, I dont know enough to comment on that). Adults always have a choice, children dont.

I also grew up with an abusive father, all the women in my family made excuses for him. It took me a long time to accept my mother was responsible for enabling the abuse and failing to protect me, I made so many excuses for her, but ultimately i have to accept, she was my mum and responsible for my safety and wellbeing, she failed. It is possible to be both a victim and a perpetrator.

As an autistic person I would've thought that you'd understand more than most why it may be difficult to change a situation, routine, or circumstance even when it clear to others that you need to, and should. Maybe even clear to yourself. But you just can't.

Surely, as an autistic person, you know personal feelings and inner world are a lot more complex than what other people see and expect of you, and what it's like to not be able to march to the beat of everyone else's drum because something in your inner world is preventing it. That the thing preventing it may even be wordless, something you cannot describe, but it's there. It's your brain chemistry.

Abused people get their brain chemistry fucked up.

Maybe your lack of understanding isn't your autism, but your chosen lack of empathy. Don't blame that on your autism either. You are choosing to pretend that this woman not leaving her relationship is not understandable. You can understand it perfectly fine, even without reasons laid on a plate for you. Again, don't blame the autism.

No, she's just determined not to be a victim, like many children abuse survivors.

Yeah you're right, what a perfect, great person you are.

Exactly you are just better at wording it than me, I feel sorry for her but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel more sorry for the child . She is the one that can take the child out of this situation . Is it her fault she’s in it no . But she’s the one that has to get the child out of it . I’ve informed all the authorities trying to protect this child . But yet no one is saying the mother should be doing the same I’m a stranger . She has to take some responsibility she lies to the authorities protecting him not the innocent child. But yet I’m the bad guy for not understanding and she’s still the victim.

And what a sad person you are .

And determined not to understand victims of abuse.

I actually understand the real victim the child which you seem to be dismissing

As are you apparently.
Why are you unable to empathise with the often life long impact child abuse has on people? Is OP wrong to feel let down by her mother (assuming that's how you feel OP) or to hold her accountable for her failure to protect her?

You've ignored the multiple posts telling you that by leaving, the parent risks making it worse for the child. By leaving, they increase the danger to themselves and the child, significantly.

Of course the best outcome is for separation, and that separation to be safe. But you're ignoring the reality, that leaving increases the danger, and that ending a relationship doesn't mean that abuse stops.

Exactly that my mom( boomer generation )that stayed for the kids . Was the normal reason , why so your children grow up walking on eggshells , listening to abuse and receiving a childhood of abuse and trauma. They never seem to see the kids as victims as much as they see themselves as victims. Which is clear by a lot of comments on this post. Any parent even any adults main concern should be to protect an innocent child over anything else .

But that’s a IF yes it can happen but not always the case so making it out to be a fact isn’t helping . So by your reasoning everyone should stay in abuse just in case .

Bully for you, and congratulations on your crystal clear, unspoiled way of looking at things.
Your supposed problem-solving knack has deserted you in this instance, I’d say, given your determination just to blindly bang your head against the brick wall of long-standing experience and recorded cases which prove that this is not a social problem just any old neighbour is likely to resolve, even if they are autistic.

(I’m pretty surprised that not only does this woman tell you every detail of her domestic life, but her extended family too are happy to discuss these matters with you.
I think that even were I in such distressing circs myself, I’d have told you to just wind your neb in by now.)

Op I am with you, I don’t get it. I got absolutely slammed on another thread on a similar topic. The children (I work with many) are just so damaged that it is difficult to understand from the outside why on earth any one would stay.

op can you talk to this woman when the man isn’t there? If not, if it were me, I would record some of it (so it can’t be denied by the mother) and contact social services. The damage to children is too much to ignore if the woman isn’t able to make this decision herself.

Yes this is what that post sounded like, but I can’t imagine that was the meaning. It isn’t more dangerous to leave but they are conditioned to think so - it’s an illusion. So you need to involve outside agencies to make the decision for the parents if they cannot provide a safe environment for their children.

This kind of attitude is so prevalent and explains a lot why so much abuse is kept secret because when people do open up or ask for help they are treated with suspicion and as if they have deliberately consciously chosen this life. So they hide it and carry on thinking it's their fault and that they have no control and the judgers get to pay themselves on the back because they would never find themselves in a situation like that because they are so much better and superior.

As I said i’m actual trying to not leave a child to suffer in abuse. Maybe that’s how your would react. As you can imagine her parents are not his biggest fan .and was the one who told me he broke her jaw . But you know maybe I just do what you suggest ignore the situation, and god forbid someone gets killed . Then I can be one of them stupid neighbours you see on the news . They said yes I heard screaming shouting and abuse but did nothing. Because she’s the victim and the child was just collateral damage . Strange that I’m the one trying to help a child yet get more abuse than the actual abuser . The world really is fu**ed

You are coming across as very judgemental regarding your neighbour @Howyoudoings

I have also suffered abuse by my father. However I never judged my beautiful late mum for the decisions she made and nor did the rest of her family and friends. She had a fantastic time after he died and we have all been left with great memories.

Yes I am judgmental the child is the one that I feel sorry for they actually can’t leave. I will judge someone that lies to the police and social services. More strange your judging me for trying to protect a child living in abuse .