AIBU for struggling to understand why my neighbour does not leave?

[Howyoudoings]

I know I will probably get ridiculed for this but I would like someone to explain. I will start by saying I am autistic so I see things differently and probably more straightforwardly than others. My neighbour is in an abusive relationship. He is horrible to her. From the moment they woke up this morning at 7 o'clock he already said he hates her and called her a see you next Tuesday. She works from home and she is not allowed to have friends. She goes nowhere apart from dropping her kid off at school and coming back. Yet he constantly claims she is cheating. She rents the house, it is in her name, and she pays all the bills. He is controlling, demanding, and constantly argues. She cries in the garden saying she hates him, and the kid says he hates his dad. She tells the child that is why she stays away from him, meaning she spends as much time in the garden as she can. Now this is what I do not get. Why not leave? I have spoken to her and all she ever says is that it is not that easy. But why isn’t ?
I feel sorry for the kid because they are the only one in a situation they truly cannot leave. I think as a mother your child is the most important thing. so I never understand why you would let your child grow up in a household like that. If you can’t leave for yourself leave for your child .

If you can op contact the school the child goes to and let them know. They are often better at support for the child than social services.

Oh blimey! Can you not see how difficult that would be? If she's out in the garden crying every day, if he won't let her leave the house (apart from school runs, before you nit pick), if he won't ler her have friends, if he's made her tie up all her money in the paying for the house and running of the house, he's obviously not a reasonable man. If she were to ask/tell him to leave, he is not going to say "Oh, ok then."

Why would I stay or build a relationship with someone that is horrible to me. Why would someone stay after the first incident after knowing the signs . I grew up around abuse and finally ended up leaving my childhood home as soon as I could
when my mom got pushed down the stairs ( and she still stayed ) I said if you don’t leave him now I’m leaving so left at 18. Why would I want a relationship that resembled anything like that . Why would I want my children to have the same terrible childhood I had .

Keep doing it.

it builds a pattern of evidence that may prompt the police or social services to act or provide supporting evidence if she’s becomes brave enough to act herself.

They're usually not horrible until you've been with them a while, often it's when the baby is born or later. They're exceptionally good at pretending to be nice and lovely and charming

And it's usually v v subtle and starts small and then they switch back to being really charming and lovely again and you start thinking oh wait, did I imagine that? Oh they're having a bad day etc and it's creeps up like that until one day you're in the thick of it and can't see a way out.

But one incident should be enough , but maybe I’ve always been under the impression that if It ever happened I would leave . As I can see how it ends up .and would not want that for myself and definitely not for my children , I don’t want anyone to have the childhood I had. And maybe that’s why I find it had to understand why people stay because I was the kid growing up in them situations . Wishing she would just leave .

Op what you're saying sounds very simple when you say it, but in practice is very difficult to do.
Has it not occurred to you that pretty much every woman has assumed that they would leave at the first sign of trouble? Yet thousands end up in abusive relationships?

And Iike I’ve said I will probably never understand , being the child of an abusive household never understanding why my own mother never left . And her still not really having an answer herself . I see it from the child’s point of view and don’t understand why anyone would want that for their child . It’s no childhood and does lasting damage , that the parents themselves will never understand . the child is my main concern . They are never shielded from the abuse they know more then anyone thinks

Is there anything in your life that you find difficult to change but others think is easy? I have one. I was brought up eating a very healthy wholefood diet and I've never really got into eating processed food and never struggled with my weight. To me when I hear others saying they struggle so much with this I often think oh it's easy, just don't eat XYZ but it's not as simple as that because people's eating habits and physiology is set from being young and so it's not the same as what I would do.

Courts can and will and do force children to go to abusers.

imagine this:

your husband has become abusive after two children. You work and have enough money to leave.

you leave. He takes you to court for access to the joint children.

he gets 50:50 access and a year later kills both them and himself.
(family annihilation)
uk examples here

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-22213942

this is relatively unusual, but 50:50 access along with physical or sexual abuse is remarkably common.

many women who stay do so in the hope that by being there they can stop their child(ren) from being sexually or physically abused.

But surely her main concern should be the safety of her child. Or is the child not also a victim

OP, I'm beginning to think you've started this thread just to make the women here who can't leave their DV relationships immediately feel like shit.

Is this on the back of a thread that was started yesterday where a poster finally had left her abusive DH but got terribly lambasted anyway?

The 'me no understand' when so many people are explaining it to you is wearing a bit thin.

I actually agree it may be hard to lose weight but I personally wouldn’t understand it . As it is cause and effect . It can be changed if you want to . I think people are assuming I’m saying it’s easy I never said it was easy . We all have to do hard things . My be I’m a whole picture person , if you don’t change thing stay the same. And in a situation I always think of the most vulnerable . the child . And see leaving as saving the child from I life time of abuse

Lots of us were the child in that situation, and lots of us understand what it's like as parents.

It seems like your personal experience has left you too angry to be willing to understand or accept these situations are as complicated as everyone is telling you. I think you need to accept this is beyond your understanding.

But she may feel that having unsupervised access with his father, something the courts may grant, would be even worse for him. She may feel that she can protect him if she is there.

So come of my post then, it’s called a debate not everyone will agree . No one has stated anything that has made me change my opinion . That the child is the main person that needs protecting . So do you think it’s acceptable for the child to be dismissed and grow up in an abusive household .
and like I’ve said multiple times it’s probably something I will never understand. As my main concern should be and always will be the children . And I will never be made to feel bad about that . That why you only have to watch the new and see children being murdered and abused living in this type of household . No one said it was easy we all have to do hard things . But it comes to a point when doing nothing is just as abusive . Not cooperating with police , social services, school And I have no idea what other post you are talking about.

There you go then. There are lots of people who would be able to explain to you how difficult it is for them to change their diets and lose weight. You need to understand that not everyone thinks like you and has had the same experiences as you. If it was as simple as that there would be no problems in the world as everyone would just be robots who always did the "right" thing. Humans and life don't work like that.

So I'm right then.

@Howyoudoings you're claiming you're just 'all about the children'

You need to reflect that posts like yours, and the doubling down, actually make things worse for children. Take some responsibility.

I thought you genuinely wanted to know the reasons why women don't leave abusive partners so engaged in this post in good faith. Turns out you do not want to learn anything, you just want to reinforce your existing view. Very disappointing.

OP is there nothing in your life that you've found really difficult to change? That others have said "just do XYZ"? There must be something

The only thing I never considered was unsupervised vists . But surely you weight that up against the damage that is being caused to the child every single day . And surly more likely to be hurt being in that environment 24/7 . You see it on the new all the time abusive parent abusing child why other parent doesn’t intervene. So that’s the same risk if you stay or leave .
all I know is no child should have to live in that environment. If effects the child whole live and destroys their childhood . And should be the main reason for anyone to leave we all have to do hard things .

@Howyoudoings it isn't 'just' unsupervised visits, it's a starting point of 50:50 custody and often, a partner who convinces you that they will get 100% custody because they'll convince police/social services that you're mental and incapable of looking after the children at all.

Flip it the other way round; why would you give your child to an abuser instead of staying and being there to protect them?

we all have to do hard things , so depend what you class as hard. I left home 18 because of my abusive family life. Was it hard to live yes I had no where to live and had to wash my clothes at work . Was it for the best yes, because you have to see the bigger picture . No one said making the right decisions wasn’t hard.
i think I'm naturally a problem solver