To think this email from my exes solicitor is just absolutely laughable

[Esmeraldathe3rd]

DSs dad is on an increasing schedule of contact during our court process, started with supported and he's now on one-one. (Contact originally stopped because social services though he was a danger, before what he had alternate weekends plus some extras in hols)

Last weekend was his first full day. He was 3hrs late because he forgot about it. Now I get an email off his solicitor requesting we agree outside of court 5050 shared care or they'll take me to court over 1.unrelated and 2. Completely in my favour, financial issues. Essentially threatening me that if I don't agree it'll cost me. Also threatening to take MY allegations of rape against him, further, like how? You raped me, I agreed not to press charges, what are you going to do?

I just cannot imagine being so arrogant that I would be 3 hours late to see my son and then demand shared care?! CAFCAS is not reccomeding shared care. The judge scoffed at the last hearing when he said he was insisting on shared care. In what world would I agree to that?

And honestly why would his solicitor support that, they seem like the most incompetent people I've ever met, it baffles me.

Exactly
if the court don’t think a consent order is fair, it’s not passed through.

Can a court order be looked at again though? Because he's not supposed to be living in the house without having paid in full, while OP is stuck with this in her name. And not being able to do anything re her joint account, while still having her name on it, also seems odd

Yes it can be
But the op has not ever complained about it and infact agreed to it, so what has been the status quo for years and nearing the end… unlikely to be overturned

I had access to it. Then at some point he went apeshit. Threatened me. Told DS the police were going to come for me and take me away. Rang the bank and told them my card had been stolen so a new one got posted to his address and somehow got me looked out of my online banking. I now have no ID in my married name. I don't know the account number or anything. It's in my name but he has my card. I wouldn't even know where to start with the bank. He also has a business bank account in my name. It's all wrong. But it's not really impacting my day to day life so I'm just leaving him to it. It's not worth the abuse.

He was Highly abusive. I very much complied for years because he was going to kill me and DS. he is a massive risk to DS. So these things really aren't my major concern. If I started making issues with the financials I could bankrupt him. But then 1. That would affect DS and most importantly, he has threatened to kill us all, he has threatened to kill me if I tried to take anything away from him. He has threatened to kill DS if I tried to take DS away from him. If I took everything from him he is a risk to himself and DS.

I would not have taken him to court. Social services told me I had to stop contact. The judge says that even though he threatened to kill DS because he hasn't already it was clearly an empty threat and isn't relevent anymore.

The whole thing is an absolute shit show and none of these people give a damn about my little boy.

The situation as a whole is absolutely not laughable, but the audacity of a solicitor sending me an email threatening me to get an absurd amount of contact "or else" is fucking laughable.

Rang the bank and told them my card had been stolen so a new one got posted to his address and somehow got me looked out of my online banking. I now have no ID in my married name. I don't know the account number or anything. It's in my name but he has my card.

This is all very strange

if he rang the bank and cancelled your card, why don’t you ring the bank and cancel this one?

and how on earth did he get a bank card for you get to be delivered to his address?

and somehow locked out of your online
banking?

come on op.
Just walk in to the bank with your divorce cert and ID.

very odd

He kept the two businesses and all our assets. I kept a very small, cheap house to live in and my car (the one he is now threatening me over) that is all. He kept most of my possessions, including valuable artwork, everything. It was one of those quickie clean break things. So not much support, but at the end of the day I wasn't being made homeless so I think that would have been the line in the sand.

I kept my life, by the skin of my teeth. And kept a roof over DSs head.

Very simple

go to the bank!! This will be sorted so easily op. The account is in YOUR name

What do you want from this man? He raped you and is therefore unsafe - maybe go ahead with the prosecutions and do all you can to keep him out of your child's life.

Theres zero need for conversation with him.

Why? For what benefit? To gain access to a bank account I can't use anyway? His address was our old address. So he got my card delivered to my registered address. That I no longer lived at because I fled, in secret, so he couldn't kill me before I'd got out. It was a rather difficult time so I hadn't updated my address yet. Not that complicated.

If I want to get my name off the account I need his permission. And from my text notifications it spends most of its time in the overdraft, which I am jointly responsible for. It would be alot of trouble, for absolutely no benefit to me.

It's hard to understand the mess that people end up in after being with an abuser for 10 years. I get that.

You really don’t see any issue with this man fraudulently using a card in your name? You have no idea what he’s doing with it under your name

All very strange
I’ll leave you to it

Nothing. I want zero contact with him. Ever. But unfortunately he is my DSs father so despite being a horrible horrible human being he has a legal right to my child. And there is nothing I can do about it. Family court does not protect children. It protects abusive men. That is the sad truth. Because he can no longer threaten me directly I now get threats from his solicitor.

I assure you I have done all I can. I have fought very well. I have shown him to have threatened both of us. I have shown him to be lying directly to court and to CAFCAS. Three women have accused him of being an abuser. The mother of his other child has accused him of neglecting both of our children. The courts and CAFCAS do not care. He is his father. He wants access. That is his right. End of conversation.

That’s horrific op I’m so sorry you were raped and you’re going through this stress now. I also have been on the receiving end of outrageous bullying emails from my ex’s solicitor. There is actually no need to reply to this one at all, if you do it could be a one liner like ‘we are in the middle of court proceedings which was your clients choice, so I will see through these proceedings please do not send me threats again.’

You’re right op Im so sorry - those that haven’t been through family court fantasize that it’s fair and child centred but it isn’t. If you stopped contact you’d put yourself at risk of parental alienation arguments and him trying to change custody - you know this, inexperienced people don’t believe it.

well done for being so strong op.

I believe you OP and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I saw what the family court and cafcass did to my friend's family and it's horrific. And there is no accountability.

I'm glad you're able to laugh at the stupidity of some of this stuff though.

But they do care! CAFCAS is not reccomeding shared care. The judge scoffed at the last hearing when he said he was insisting on shared care.

I dont fantasise about any court system @Unexpectedlysinglemum i am a firm believer that it is unfair and is inherently sexist and oppressive to women

I am sure youre doing all you can to cope and I am sure you are exhausted, which is maybe why you dropped the rape case

It sounds like you are talking and arguing with him, which you dont need to do imo. Can you not take the rape case further again?

Youre in a shit situation and I dont doubt youre doing your best

You seem rather fortunate that your life hasn't been owned by another person. I was still in school when I met him. He was the same age as my dad. None of that part of my life will make sense to you. I was essentially his financial second chance.
It is so so easy to say "just go to the bank". Just the idea of having to refer to myself with his last name makes me sick. I don't want to find my marriage certificate and divorce certificate. I don't want to explain to them what he has done to me. That card is one tiny tiny part of it. It is meaningless. I don't care. I thought that man would kill me in my sleep. He can have the bloody bank card. I'm trying to keep him from hurting my son, I'm not fighting him over a bank card, or a house, I didn't want it, I don't want it, I don't want a penny off him. He can have it, don't have it, have it in 5 years , have it tomorrow idgaf. Live in it, let it go to ruin, burn it down idgaf. It is a part of my life that I have no intention of revisiting.

A lawyer just does what his client asks, you are under no obligation to vary the conditions decided on in court outside of court. It won't cost you a penny if he takes it to court- it's up to him to pay. As to the rape allegations that's just weird, if you refused to press charges the police won't touch it.
Your ex sounds deranged/ desparate, don't respond.
Report any variation in what was agreed (like him forgetting and being 3 hours late) to the court.

I was pointing out that you have said the courts “scoffed” at him and CAFCAS have totally supported you in saying he should not have shared care

but now you’re saying that the judge basically said “well he didn’t kill you” and CAFCAS aren’t supporting you

How old is your son?

You sound very naïve about how family proceedings can unfold.

His solicitor’s job is to put forward his position, not to decide whether it is reasonable, and an outrageous proposal does not mean it will simply be laughed out of court. Even where Cafcass is not recommending shared care and a parent’s behaviour appears plainly poor, proceedings can still become prolonged, expensive and unpredictable.

Do not respond emotionally, dismiss the letter as “laughable” or assume the financial issues cannot be used to create pressure. Keep everything factual, preserve the correspondence and take proper legal advice about both the contact proposal and any apparent threats or attempts to link unrelated financial matters to child arrangements.

Also, allegations of rape are extremely serious. Saying you “agreed not to press charges” does not necessarily mean the issue is legally closed, nor is it something to speculate about online while proceedings are ongoing.

You may ultimately be completely justified in refusing 50/50 care, but the strongest position is a calm, child-focused response supported by evidence—not confidence that the judge or Cafcass will automatically see everything as you do.

The judge also called me childish because I have a screen between me and my rapist and I won't be present at handovers because he threatens me Infront of my child. They said the threats to kill DS weren't relevant because he hasn't killed him yet so clearly he's not going to.

Yes he also thought it silly that he would insist on shared care when there's nothing and nobody supporting it. But he is still encouraging contact with DS and myself despite masses of evidence of abuse.

CAFCAS has called it 6 of one and half a dozen of the other because he raped and abused me but I'm bisexual so that's something and I moved his school without informing his dad... 2 years before he even started school. And his dad is so involved and caring because he's been ringing the school to check on him, but if you ask the school they haven't heard a dickie in a year despite telling him he could call. And he's refused a home visit but that's not his fault and he should still get overnights because there's no evidence it's not appropriate because she hasn't seen it. And he withheld his exes contact details but it's ok because she managed to get them from someone else and she then told her that he abused her and neglected her child but she did say that sometimes he was patient with DS so you know, all good there.

They have been told by multiple people that he is a dangerous person. But they'd rather risk my child's safety than tell a man no.

Ahhhhaaaa ha ha.... sorry but have you read the OP post. They will write whatever they are asked to write. They couch it in terms but they know it's bollocks.

Take the case I've illustrated. The solicitor clearly told the client she didn't have a chance. But wrote anyway, against one of the oldest companies in the world, with solicitors begging to work for us, they tried to blag it...

If you believe that a solicitor won't bend the truth to suit them, mine has some magic beans to sell

I have to say that you go from giving the impression the judge and CAFCAS totally
support you hence how ridiculous this letter from his solicitor is

But now it seems the letter isn’t so ridiculous given the courts and CAFCAS aren’t as supportive as you said and 50/50 is not out of realms of possibility