AIBU to feel upset after my partner chose gaming over intimacy?

[Biscuitz1]

My toddler finally slept. I put on some lingerie (mind that my body is NOT tea, size A cups, no bum but plenty of tum) and went into the sitting room.
My partner was playing playstation, gives me abaolutely no compliments (nothing new) but did look at me.
He said 'let me finish the match and then i will come'. I sigh, grab my phone and leave the room. He states dont be like that, i had already started the match.

My sister thinks im overeacting as im upset.

Because she was trying to do something nice for her husband.

Because men tend to like women making an effort and dressing up in lingerie.

Because I suspect she's feeling self conscious about her body since it changed having his child and maybe it's the least he could do? Did his body change forever after having the child?

Because sometimes prioritising the intimate side of your marriage when you habe small children is more important than a computer game?

I’d be annoyed if my other half flounced in the living room expecting sex. There’s a time and a place

If I was in the middle of something I would’ve been a bit eh too, often you are playing with others too so can’t just stop

So he has to put out because she has issues is how I am reading this, the double standard is alive and well

And yes I would be annoyed if my husband did this to me so no I would not do this to him

YADBU to use the word ‘intimacy’.

Where did it say he was addicted? I game. I’m a 49 year old woman and I’m not addicted. It’s a legitimate hobby. If he was reading a book and he said wait until I’ve finished this chapter, would that have been ok because it’s the same thing. One hobby isn’t superior to another

Would you say any of that to a woman who wasn't in the mood for sex?!

Would you ever frame a man who wanted sex as "trying to do something nice for his wife" (even though that probably should be the case)?

It's incredibly messed up that you frame sex for a woman as either something she does for her husband, or to feel good about her own body. I've never, ever thought of sex in those ways. Sex is something you have because you want it for yourself, and the only body I'm concerned with is the the body of the man I'm with. I don't have sex as a favour to them, and I don't have sex to feel validated in myself. If you think like that, I recommend therapy.

Yes, sex is important in a marriage, but in any long-term relationship there will be moments where one of you just isn't in the mood at the same time as the other and there shouldn't be anything dramatic about that. Yes, if you're the one in the mood and he's not it can be a little annoying, but not so much that you'd even show it let alone huff and sulk.

Looking at this from a practical point of view its not like when we were young and you can just pause a game or a match in the middle and come back to it later. If you are in a match with other online users you kind of have to see it through. I learned this the hard way demanding my kids get off the PlayStation then learned I was being unreasonable as I was ruining the game for them. If he could have come straight away he would have. If you, knowing this, STILL think he should have dropped the game, then you are being very unreasonable. He didn't say no, he literally said he was coming. Don't let this upset you.

Oh, give over.

He's a human being. He doesn't have to drop everything to service his wife when he isn't in the mood simply because she walks into the room in her knickers.

This is not the same as a bloke coming up to her with a hard on and expecting sex immediately.

It's exactly the same.

Sorry op I’m torn- I get it but had I been working, reading, texting- I’d have said just give me a few, honestly I’ll just be a few. But on the other hand I’d probably have been irritated or upset had he done it to me

This

It's not because choosing, buying and putting on lingerie (I expect she also did her hair and make up etc) is a bit more conscious effort then thinking a naughty thought and some blood flooding in to your penis. It's meant to be something special.

OP, I get it, this is just the usual Mumsnet lacking in any kind of nuance. If that happened to me I'd never dress up for my partner again.

This. I think people think all men will jump up as soon as they see lingerie but if the shoe was on the other foot it just wouldn’t happen like that. The lack of compliments would upset me but I would probably have let him finish his game!

So if a man cooks a nice dinner, has a shave/trims his beard and puts his best pants on, his wife/partner should be obligated to have sex because he made more of an effort?

No one owes anybody sex based on how much effort they put into manipulating seducing them

You make women sound needy and pathetric

Haha so putting lingerie on is now manipulating the poor chap!

I don't know... Maybe I'm in a relationship where I actually like my partner, I like having sex with him, I want us to be happy and get along well. So if I saw he'd made a special effort, yes we'd be very likely to have sex unless there was a special reason, like being ill.

If he'd gone to loads of effort but I can't be bothered to look up from my game, I think he'd be rightly offended.

It's not about "treating her like crystal", it's that she hoped for something normal, to feel desired and complimented by her partner. That's not a fragile woman thing, that's just a human thing, everyone wants that once in a while. She said herself it wasn't really about the sex, it was about that moment landing wrong and her feeling a bit foolish and let down. That's a perfectly normal disappointment, not some oversensitive reaction.
Most of the responses on here have been pretty mean and dismissive tbh, picking apart her wording or telling her TikTok isn't real like she doesn't already know that (because apparently no one else has ever been influenced by something they saw online 🙄).
I think two things can be true here. Her feelings were valid, and he wasn't being especially unreasonable, just a bit out of touch with what she needed in that moment.

Every single one of you knows that if you made the effort to get vulnerable enough to put on lingerie and initiate sex and you were rebuffed in this way, that you would feel devastated about it. And you would probably never do it again, which is what I suspect will happen here. For all the gender equality bullshit in the world you all know that it is the male partners role to lead on intimacy and when this doesn't happen big big problems follow in the relationship.

She wasn't rebuffed though was she. He had said "let me finish the match and I will come". He said yes, but just didn't drop everything.

Nothing to feel devastated about!

I don't think gender equality is bullshit, and it's not for men to lead on 'intimacy'. That should be equal too. Do you really think women shouldn't initiate sex?

Yikes. You’re exhibiting a very ossified point of view there; but tell us, if the chap initiates the smooching as you prescribe, will he rear back in horror should the lady respond with enthusiasm or abandon? Or should she lie still until he has finished?

Maybe I'm in a relationship where I actually like my partner, I like having sex with him

Doesn't sound like it, tbh, considering you also say you’d ’never dress up for him again’ if he didn’t respond the way you wanted and perform on demand. You also say you suspect the OP’s partner ‘will never get that lucky again’, suggesting that you think it’s ok to withdraw and never initiate sex again just because the partner wasn’t immediately responsive the way the woman wanted. Weaponising sex in a relationship is never a good look and not something people who like, love and respect their partners do.

Oh. My. Goodness. That you can’t see the double standards in what you are saying is staggering. The op wanted sex. She put on underwear as a visual message to her husband that she wanted sex. This is the EXACT same as the husband walking in to wherever she is and asking for sex, and then getting sulky that she didn’t immediately jump up. I don’t always want sex - is that not allowed? Do I have to always say yes if a bloke puts on his best boxers?

My husband would have come upstairs but in his head he’d probably be thinking I was in the middle of something and wanted to carry on with that - but we’ve been together nearly 30 years and are in our 50s so he would know he’d need to come upstairs because he should take what he gets nowadays.
But my husband doesn’t game so that’s not a consideration, i dont know a lot about gaming but if you do and know that he can’t stop a game when he’s started then in that scenario you could have said when you’ve finished I’ll be waiting and let him see what is waiting for him

Regardless of that, it is still saying ‘I want sex and I want it now and I want you to compliment me’ to someone who you know has just started their down time! It isn’t fair and it’s huge double standards.