AIBU to refuse to apologise after being blamed for family holiday?

[newchaptermummy]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective on a family situation because I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

My parents kindly paid for a family holiday abroad for us all (them, myself, my daughter "DD", my sister "DSIS", and her kids). The whole fallout on the holiday actually started because DSIS’s daughter ("Niece") was caught out in a lie about me. Rather than handling it sensibly, DSIS completely exploded. She spent the rest of the trip causing scenes, storming off, moving sunbeds away from everyone, and bad-mouthing people. She even started bad-mouthing my own child.

Despite how provoking and malicious that was, I refused to engage or react. I stayed completely unbothered, ignored the drama, and focused entirely on making sure DD had a great time playing in the pool (along with any other kids who joined us). The only thing I ever said to the kids was a simple suggestion to play nicely or find something else to play when they were bickering.

When we got home, my mum sent me a huge, scathing text dragging both me and DSIS into "two grown women acting like playground children" and accusing us of selfishly ruining the holiday for her and my dad. Mum said they were left with a big bill to pay, said they were done doing things for us, and told us we should both feel "totally ashamed" of ourselves.

I was heartbroken. I am nothing but supportive of my parents, constantly go out of my way to help them, and they even call my husband their son. I deliberately stayed out of the drama to keep the peace, yet I’ve been thrown under the bus as if I single-handedly ruined the trip. I even told them I’d pay back every penny of the holiday once my pay rise comes through later this year, as the cost is clearly being used as a weapon.

Since that initial text exchange, DSIS has offered a quick apology to Mum, and now everything is magically forgotten. Mum is expecting me to just apologize too and fall in line, completely sweeping under the carpet the outright insults, false accusations, and utter lack of support when my own child was being bad-mouthed. There has been zero recognition or acknowledgment of how unfairly I’ve been treated. I have tried reaching out to mum about how I feel and was ignored, and mum is now going on with our relationship as if nothing was said or done both on and after the holiday.

The easier thing to do would definitely be to move on, pretend it never happened, and ignore how deeply hurt I feel. But is that actually the right thing to do here? Or am I just accepting the role of family scapegoat?
AIBU to stand my ground and refuse to pretend this is all fine? How would you handle this?

Yes you're the scapegoat. No I wouldn't pay anything, it was a gift. I wouldn't bother speaking to either of them again unless they apologise to you. You've done nothing wrong. Leave them to their dramatics.

Husband couldn’t go on the holiday due to work commitments but got the running commentary via text and private FaceTimes. He has said sister and niece are no longer welcome in our home or around our daughter due to the bad mouthing and the danger in niece so casually telling tales and this not being picked up by anyone else/falling back on innocent people. He is a 10/10 husband so felt the need to make sure there was no suspicion on him! 🤣

Don't apologise. I hate when parents do this, I have a dsis who is nothing but a pain in the arse and we are often treated differently, her getting away with being a total arsehole. In your situation I would say I think we recall things differently dsis acted like a twat and I rose above it. I would give my mother a bit of space if she couldn't see it as it would annoy me too much to pretend it didn't happen.

I'll admit I was a little worried the niece might start to accuse your husband of things, and that would be utterly horrible for him (and for you and for your daughter and for your parents).

I'm very glad he has your back.

This wouldn't have happened when most of us were at school. My kids say that they always listen to the troublemakers these days (and yes, once in a a blue moon, they might be telling the truth, but what of the 99.9% of terms when indulging them hurts decent people?), and it sounds like this is having awful knock-on effects.
OP, now I know why a lot of people choose 1 child families now. Sorry you're having to go through this.

Thank you.
I learned a long time ago that it’s better to meet an angry person you love half way than to stubbornly refuse to meet them at all.

I watched my own family member let her daughter misbehave and act bratty and spoiled on family trips and I was embarrassed for her.
Did she allow this behaviour elsewhere? With friends? At school functions?
I hope not, but she probably did.

She never apologised to our parents or to us, because I think she thought her daughter was behaving perfectly - couldn’t put a step wrong.

Amazingly enough, that bratty kid grew into a lovely woman.
Whew.
(but neither ever apologised to our parents and I think my sister definitely should have)

Well, I don't know. When you say you didn't engage or react, did you demonstratively give your sister the silent treatment and play a role in creating an overall hostile environment?

I'm also not sure why you were so bothered by your 10-year-old niece's overreaction to being told off. Of course you weren't going to throw anything at her. But sometimes children have emotional responses that are disproportionate to a situation. They're children, they don't have the same emotional maturity as adults have (or should have). It seems as though both you and your sister reacted strongly to the child's words when you could have just laughed them off.

From your perspective, you've done nothing wrong. But your mother clearly thinks you had a hand in causing the holiday to turn out as it did. Why not just say that you're sorry things ended up as they did and you wish they hadn't? Since you've said that you and your mum usually have a close relationship, it would be a shame to let these events mar that at all.

There was never any silent treatment, although it’s hard to strike up conversation with someone intent on sitting as far away from you as possible. However, I still offered to get her a drink, suggested getting a family picture at the end of the holiday, even tried speaking to her one evening until she kicked off even more. My niece started screaming crying again until they left the table and she instantly stopped and wanted to play in the arcade.

It sounds like a 10 year old child with some clear issues somewhere ruined the holiday more than anything. She started it all with her lies and then continued to be the reactive one causing more drama and upset. And it’s not normal to scream so much at that age.

@newchaptermummy

dont worry I have a sister that’s also a big twat

her volcanic childish behaviour has always and still is swept under a carpet because she’s been allowed to behave like it all her life.

I don’t tolerate it so I would not apologise for her being a dick at all

i would tell your parents they created the monster that ruined the trip not you.

step back from them all
thats what I did

only today I called sister out on something and she’s now posting passive aggressive shit online because she’s always the fucking victim

i just laugh at it now

I’m always a bit suspicious when someone paints them selves as a living saint. Which you have done. However your mother, your sister and your niece all disagree with you. And your husbands reaction is unacceptable especially to his niece.hes intent on escalating the drama. As are you

overall I find there is always 3 sides to a story, yours. Theirs and the truth and I don’t beleive your whole family has gone nuts for no reason and you are this innocent soul being blamed for nothing.

'I'm sorry sister's child is a spoilt brat' should cover it.

Sounds like your niece takes after her mother. Time to distance yourself, you won’t win in this dynamic. If your DM is pretending nothing happened then do likewise to keep the peace. No more family vacations OP.

I get the logic of what you are saying, but this isn’t always true in a toxic family. The family scapegoat isn’t perfect but they get the blame for everything and a lifetime of injustice hits a wall at some point. I think you have to live it to understand.

I agree with this

Do not apologise for things you didn't do.

and also I thought @NCForOneNightOnly 's post had some good points..
Especially about why you shouldn't pay for this horrible holiday. Which you didn't feel you could afford in the first place.

"Paying them back is an emotional response to guilt-tripping. It will not buy their understanding or an apology; it will only validate their claim that you "ruined" it and owe them penance."

You've taken some flak for how you've acted but I don't think people realise what its like when you have an explosive person/family member in your midst in what is effectively a closed space.

I remember this happening to me as a child. The person fell out with someone else on holiday and went around recruiting others to agree with them. I kept out of it, quietly reading a book in the corner of the garden and hoping it would all go away, the person came up and screamed at me because no one else would be drawn into it and so they vented their fury on the youngest person there. This was followed by another family member snapping at me. "What on earth did you wind them up for?"

My point is that with people like that if they want to kick off, they will and they will make sure everyone feels their "pain" .... you made as good an effort as you could not to engage ( which I think was the right thing to do) so that you weren't dragged into the fight your sister was desperate to have. She knew she was wrong but wanted the fight so that she could claim a real grievance.
I notice your parents kept entirely out of it as much as possible too - yet they think you are to blame for walking away when being screamed at. But they are not guilty but they sat there and watched you being your sister's target relived that it wasn't them in the firing line and now they want you to apologise.

It's up to you to decide how you want to proceed with them all in future as only you know their real characters... but I'd be seeing a lot less of Dear Sis and wouldn't bow down to parental guilt tripping. You may feel that it would be pointless to try to change them or explain to them since they are so firmly in denial.

But ultimately, Your DD is your first priority, not them.
Sorry you had to go through this. It stinks.

Yet your mother is not supporting you. She has chosen to ignore your nieces lies and dramatics, your sister's behaviour and rudeness. What role models they both are to your niece who has been encouraged to think thst lying is acceptable.
Pull back from your parents. Their failure to acknowledge the truth of what actually happened will have repercussions down the line. Put your efforts into supporting your daughter. Let your sister support and help them.

Agree, there may have been a pattern whereby one sister smoothed things over or accepted things in order to keep the peace and this may have gone on for years. At home she may have been able to discreetly withdraw and if parents blamed both sisters it may not have had as big an impact on the easier going sister because she just got on with things.

On the holiday where the OPs young child was being exposed to the bad behaviour of the older ten year old niece. The OP decided not to be drawn into the fallout. Being on holiday withdrawing and removing your self from the presence of a highly strung sister is probably more obvious than it would be at home.

it might be best to apologise for the stuff that happened on holiday as a previous poster said you could make a vague apology that allows your parents to think you are sorry in general, they might accept it.

the OP’s parents sound like they want gloss over everything and OP may end up getting estranged from family in the long term. If OP decides to explicitly ban her sister and niece from her home that could result in the OP becoming estranged which the OP might not want.

reading between the lines I wonder if the OP has a happier home life than her sister and a more supportive partner than her sister as well, so the sister might be jealous of that.

Stop allowing others to fund holidays you go on with people you don't get along with.

Go on holiday with who you like and pay yourself. Problem solved.

YANBU....your mum and sister sound like a pair of narcissistic drama queens, and you the normal one.Have they always let your sister off the hook so easily?

Why on earth did you agree to go on holiday with your volatile unpleasant sister!?

This is very good advice.

the OP’s parents sound like they want gloss over everything and OP may end up getting estranged from family in the long term. If OP decides to explicitly ban her sister and niece from her home that could result in the OP becoming estranged which the OP might not want.

Who gives a fuck what they want? OP said she helps them out loads - and this is how they repay her?! Better to be estranged from people who take you for granted and let you or set you up to be someone else's punch bag. It's not worth the risk of OPs and her DHs life being totally ruined by niece in a temper one day lying "uncle touched me", however untrue it may be that shit doesn't go away.

The problem with apologising in this circumstance is that it continues to embed patterns of behaviour where one child “A” reacts unreasonably and the other child “B” is expected by their parents to take a share of the blame even though they did nothing wrong.

The parents never ever back B over A because A is volatile and the parents want harmony so they appease A and expect B to be the “good child” and help them by not expecting to be treated fairly. The damage to B is a thousand small cuts over a lifetime.

Was nothing said by your parents when all this was happening?

Go round your mums, sit down, have a cup of tes and explain calmly why you feel youve been treated poorly. Shell probably see it if you explain clearly.