AIBU to refuse to apologise after being blamed for family holiday?

[newchaptermummy]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective on a family situation because I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

My parents kindly paid for a family holiday abroad for us all (them, myself, my daughter "DD", my sister "DSIS", and her kids). The whole fallout on the holiday actually started because DSIS’s daughter ("Niece") was caught out in a lie about me. Rather than handling it sensibly, DSIS completely exploded. She spent the rest of the trip causing scenes, storming off, moving sunbeds away from everyone, and bad-mouthing people. She even started bad-mouthing my own child.

Despite how provoking and malicious that was, I refused to engage or react. I stayed completely unbothered, ignored the drama, and focused entirely on making sure DD had a great time playing in the pool (along with any other kids who joined us). The only thing I ever said to the kids was a simple suggestion to play nicely or find something else to play when they were bickering.

When we got home, my mum sent me a huge, scathing text dragging both me and DSIS into "two grown women acting like playground children" and accusing us of selfishly ruining the holiday for her and my dad. Mum said they were left with a big bill to pay, said they were done doing things for us, and told us we should both feel "totally ashamed" of ourselves.

I was heartbroken. I am nothing but supportive of my parents, constantly go out of my way to help them, and they even call my husband their son. I deliberately stayed out of the drama to keep the peace, yet I’ve been thrown under the bus as if I single-handedly ruined the trip. I even told them I’d pay back every penny of the holiday once my pay rise comes through later this year, as the cost is clearly being used as a weapon.

Since that initial text exchange, DSIS has offered a quick apology to Mum, and now everything is magically forgotten. Mum is expecting me to just apologize too and fall in line, completely sweeping under the carpet the outright insults, false accusations, and utter lack of support when my own child was being bad-mouthed. There has been zero recognition or acknowledgment of how unfairly I’ve been treated. I have tried reaching out to mum about how I feel and was ignored, and mum is now going on with our relationship as if nothing was said or done both on and after the holiday.

The easier thing to do would definitely be to move on, pretend it never happened, and ignore how deeply hurt I feel. But is that actually the right thing to do here? Or am I just accepting the role of family scapegoat?
AIBU to stand my ground and refuse to pretend this is all fine? How would you handle this?

When was the last time you apologised for something you didn’t do?

Don’t give advice you don’t take yourself.

The sister is a volcano, not OP.

Perhaps you were seen as passive aggressive? Sometimes communication can defuse things.

If it was me I would be making clear what did and did not happen and not let people think I did something I didn’t do. And I wouldn’t let it lie if I was being continually blamed for it I would be fuming and not apologise. Your sister sounds ridiculous no wonder her daughter behaves like that

Have you tried pointing that out? What was the response?

"you TWO did X" is not scaregoating you. Swanning around all supercilious can be massive PA and designed to wind up the other party. I know, I have sisters!! honestly it sounds like you both were causing issues.

id apologise that the issues between you and sis caused a bad atmosphere and perhaps you could have handled it differently.

maintaining the "but I brought you a seat and I'll pay for it all back and I was so well behaved and sister is just horrid!!" isn't helping

Is your mum blaming both you and your sister because you were not talking to each other after the fuss with your neice? Even if she understands that you weren't responsible for that there was obviously an atmosphere afterwards and she might think you could have ended it. I don't think you should apologise to your sister but you could sympathise that your parents paid out for a holiday that nobody seemed to enjoy.

My sister was the only one drinking.

The last sentence sounds as though the niece is not used to having her poor behaviour challenged and her mother takes the easy way out, ie believing her. I would have told her, in front of the family, that she's a liar and told your sister to keep her child under her own supervision in future.

Honestly, @newchaptermummy ?
I could NOT apologise. I have a strong sense of justice & will never apologise for something I haven't done. Your sister sounds like a nutter.
I'd be telling the parents that I would pay them back, as for anything else, speak to sister. As FOR sister, I wouldn't be speaking to her again at all.

“Look mum and dad, I’m really sorry that on holiday, you somehow misconstrued the situation and felt I was in some way responsible for the arguing and bickering that occurred.
That injustice would be very upsetting to me if I allowed myself to dwell on it.

In fact I spent the week entertaining the girls in the pool on my own, pouring oil on troubled waters and trying my best to stay right out of ugly, unpleasant arguments.
From my point of view, that strategy worked very well and prevented things becoming much worse as they may well have done had I not acted decently, with integrity and without drama.

However you are still aggrieved at me and of course are entitled to take your own view. Thanks for making that clear.

So I’m really sorry and sad you felt so upset and unhappy on the family holiday….and that you part blame me for the situation. That’s not what I wanted at all of course. However, I really don’t know what more I could have done to avoid the lies and selfishness of others except to ignore it so that it wasn’t escalated. It wasn’t pleasant for us either at times although we tried to make the best of it.

I want to assure you that our holiday costs will be fully reimbursed to you as soon as I can manage it. And I will make sure this awkward situation is never repeated.
I hope that is acceptable to you and I hope we can now move on and put it all firmly in the past.”

No, the lie was everything my niece said. I never even raised my voice and how could I start throwing objects in a pool? My daughter witnessed the whole conversation but this was dismissed. No one even looked up around the pool when I was talking to them both, they only started looking when my niece and sister started.

Your niece doesn’t sound very nice. Is she jealous of your dd?

Families eh🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm on the fence a little to be honest, your sister sounds batshit, but you refusing to 'react or engage' is also a form of response, as is calling your niece a liar.. it sounds like the whole thing could have been sorted out on the holiday but you both dug your heels in which made it awkward for everyone, and neither of you were prepared to budge.

The 'lie' itself sounds so inconsequential, I'm surprised it caused such a strong reaction in you both without there being more to it? You seem to be avoiding giving the full breakdown of what actually happened, so it's hard to say from the bullet points you have disclosed why it escalated so much.

I can understand your parents frustration, you probably should have spoken to your sister when she had calmed down to explain what actually happened, or talked to them on the holiday to give your side and ask their advice, rather than just go off by yourself and ignore everyone.. they could have probably smoothed it over there and then.

I don’t understand what your sister was getting angry at?

This^. It's bloody awful.

Why?

I would send one text to your mother saying that the reality is the issues were caused by your sister. You walked away from every tantrum she had and you pointed out lies your niece was saying as it’s not right that she lied about you

i woukd say you are sorry she can’t see that actually you were not contributing, that yet again your sister has not been taken to task about her behaviour and you are upset but it’s shown you your place in the family

I would finish that you will refund the money to them when you get your bonus and that you will not be joining any holiday moving forwards if your sister and niece are going

Then I would continue as normal engaging with your mother but I wouldn’t be having anything to do with sister or niece

But OP didn’t play in a part in it

Stand your ground OP. Don’t sacrifice your own peace of mind for somebody else’s