AIBU to refuse to apologise after being blamed for family holiday?

[newchaptermummy]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective on a family situation because I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

My parents kindly paid for a family holiday abroad for us all (them, myself, my daughter "DD", my sister "DSIS", and her kids). The whole fallout on the holiday actually started because DSIS’s daughter ("Niece") was caught out in a lie about me. Rather than handling it sensibly, DSIS completely exploded. She spent the rest of the trip causing scenes, storming off, moving sunbeds away from everyone, and bad-mouthing people. She even started bad-mouthing my own child.

Despite how provoking and malicious that was, I refused to engage or react. I stayed completely unbothered, ignored the drama, and focused entirely on making sure DD had a great time playing in the pool (along with any other kids who joined us). The only thing I ever said to the kids was a simple suggestion to play nicely or find something else to play when they were bickering.

When we got home, my mum sent me a huge, scathing text dragging both me and DSIS into "two grown women acting like playground children" and accusing us of selfishly ruining the holiday for her and my dad. Mum said they were left with a big bill to pay, said they were done doing things for us, and told us we should both feel "totally ashamed" of ourselves.

I was heartbroken. I am nothing but supportive of my parents, constantly go out of my way to help them, and they even call my husband their son. I deliberately stayed out of the drama to keep the peace, yet I’ve been thrown under the bus as if I single-handedly ruined the trip. I even told them I’d pay back every penny of the holiday once my pay rise comes through later this year, as the cost is clearly being used as a weapon.

Since that initial text exchange, DSIS has offered a quick apology to Mum, and now everything is magically forgotten. Mum is expecting me to just apologize too and fall in line, completely sweeping under the carpet the outright insults, false accusations, and utter lack of support when my own child was being bad-mouthed. There has been zero recognition or acknowledgment of how unfairly I’ve been treated. I have tried reaching out to mum about how I feel and was ignored, and mum is now going on with our relationship as if nothing was said or done both on and after the holiday.

The easier thing to do would definitely be to move on, pretend it never happened, and ignore how deeply hurt I feel. But is that actually the right thing to do here? Or am I just accepting the role of family scapegoat?
AIBU to stand my ground and refuse to pretend this is all fine? How would you handle this?

What is the big bill to pay? Thought clear the parents were paying

I think YABU to not apologise for your part or your behaviour in arguing while away on a trip paid for by others even if YANBU to feel your DSIS and niece treated you unfairly.

I originally declined the holiday as it was a last minute idea and didn’t have the cash available. My sister already said yes to going but parents didn’t want to go without me and my child so they offered to pay for us, and then eventually the whole holiday. I paid for their seats and luggage upgrade as a thank you. My sister did not do anything similar.

I’d have managed it slightly differently already- simply that I’d have already been saying, ‘I’m sorry that all went to shit, such a shame when you treated us to that lovely holiday. I’m not sure what I could have done to make it better, DSis just got worse and worse!’.

I think you will have seen your sister misbehaving and thought, ‘how awful, at least I’m not like that.’ You’ll have seen yourself and DD as the injured party. Perhaps even expected your parents to step into a parental role and make your sister stop.
They see themselves as the victim because they didn’t get the idyllic family holiday they wanted. And they are blaming the other people with them for that, which includes you.

💐

But this is the thing, I didn’t misbehave on the holiday. When I say I didn’t engage, I literally walked away and left my sister to it. All the things that are being listed that ruined the holiday is what my sister done. I don’t even know what I would be apologising for other than being there?

Apologies can express sympathy, not just acknowledge responsibility.

I feel incredibly sorry for your mother ...

" The whole fallout on the holiday actually started because DSIS’s daughter ("Niece") was caught out in a lie about me."

What does this mean?
If you didnt make a fuss im not clear how it escalated.

Your own description of your behaviour sounds like you were being aloof and a bit cold- shouldery about it.
DN is presuambly a child / teen ....couldn't you have shown a bit of grace for your mother's sake? And Let it be water under the bridge

Btw..
Your sister sounds like a massive fucking face ache though so I don't envy you there...and sounds far more "at fault"

Just move on.

Your mum witnessed this, we didn’t.

She clearly feels you played a part in it and you clearly feel you were blameless.

I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

All the things that are being listed that ruined the holiday is what my sister done

Have you said that to your parents? Surely it was clear at the time while you were on holiday? It sounds very odd from what you’ve said, presumably (barring a huge back story of unfair treatment of you in comparison to your sister) your mum thinks it wasn’t quite as you’ve described. How old are the children and what was the lie from your niece? That feels relevant.

I would imagine that your parents are just angry that there was arguing on the holiday, so have had a go at everyone involved without bothering to figure out which of you were actually in the wrong. If they had just criticised your sister they could have been seen to be “taking sides” which some parents will avoid doing at all costs.

Why do they have a big bill to pay? Why did you sister act like this if her child was in the wrong?

I’d ask my DM what exactly she thinks I should apologise for. Then when she clarifies I’d point out I did not do that thing, then ask the same question again. If she finds a failing, I’ll apologise.

I have spoken to my parents about the holiday from my perspective but this has been ignored. Towards the end of the holiday my child and niece were bickering whilst I was (as usual) supervising in the pool so I said they either play nicely or play apart from a bit. Niece ran screaming from the pool saying all sorts (apparently at one point she feared I would throw something at her). She later made similar claims about someone else later in the holiday and this was brushed to one side. All children are primary school aged.

That said I have seen this in my own family with weak parents and a trouble making sibling. I would not apologise but be civil. It may come to a point where you and your sister end up no contact anyway.

No, fuck em. I wouldn’t apologise. What for? Existing?

This is a good idea.

I’ve explained the lie in another response, but being in the pool wasn’t me being cold with anyone. I was genuinely the only adult joining the kids in the water most of the time to supervise in the deep water. When I wasn’t, I would join the others on the sunbeds.

I wouldn’t apologise. I would make sure that they know exactly why you aren’t apologising, so be clear in your own mind. Also, this seems like a situation that either has a back story and this is the back story and it will escalate in the future.

Yanbu tbh, attacking my kid would be what pushes me over the edge too

Take a step back and really evaluate how to move forward - but i would be sticking to wanting my sister to take responsibility and to apologise to my daughter and vow never again to go after her x

“You’re both as bad as each other” even though you are actually the innocent party? Stings doesn’t it, when a sibling behaves monstrously, makes your life a misery and even though you do your best to rise above it and not rise to the bait, you’re still tarred with the same brush.

Stop going on holiday with your parents.
Stop going away with your sister.
Stick to your DH and own child. Thats it.
These holidays are filled with drama.
I would leave your parents to stew in their own juice for a while because all of this saying sorry is feeding the drama.
You are a grown adult not a child and trust me if you distance yourself for a while it will be better in the long run.

And then what happened? After your niece lied about you?

I think your mother has a point but obviously you are not completely in the wrong but you did play a part.

Your niece is very young, primary aged.

She misbehaved but she is very young. It seems to have been completely blown out of proportion on both sides. Your sister seems like an arsehole but you sound very “right thinking” on your side. Surely you could have just chastised your niece in the moment and moved on.

You did contribute to that dynamic.

Why did you and your sister not hash it out between you later on?

Ir sounds horrible for your parents tbh.