AIBU to refuse to apologise after being blamed for family holiday?

[newchaptermummy]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective on a family situation because I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

My parents kindly paid for a family holiday abroad for us all (them, myself, my daughter "DD", my sister "DSIS", and her kids). The whole fallout on the holiday actually started because DSIS’s daughter ("Niece") was caught out in a lie about me. Rather than handling it sensibly, DSIS completely exploded. She spent the rest of the trip causing scenes, storming off, moving sunbeds away from everyone, and bad-mouthing people. She even started bad-mouthing my own child.

Despite how provoking and malicious that was, I refused to engage or react. I stayed completely unbothered, ignored the drama, and focused entirely on making sure DD had a great time playing in the pool (along with any other kids who joined us). The only thing I ever said to the kids was a simple suggestion to play nicely or find something else to play when they were bickering.

When we got home, my mum sent me a huge, scathing text dragging both me and DSIS into "two grown women acting like playground children" and accusing us of selfishly ruining the holiday for her and my dad. Mum said they were left with a big bill to pay, said they were done doing things for us, and told us we should both feel "totally ashamed" of ourselves.

I was heartbroken. I am nothing but supportive of my parents, constantly go out of my way to help them, and they even call my husband their son. I deliberately stayed out of the drama to keep the peace, yet I’ve been thrown under the bus as if I single-handedly ruined the trip. I even told them I’d pay back every penny of the holiday once my pay rise comes through later this year, as the cost is clearly being used as a weapon.

Since that initial text exchange, DSIS has offered a quick apology to Mum, and now everything is magically forgotten. Mum is expecting me to just apologize too and fall in line, completely sweeping under the carpet the outright insults, false accusations, and utter lack of support when my own child was being bad-mouthed. There has been zero recognition or acknowledgment of how unfairly I’ve been treated. I have tried reaching out to mum about how I feel and was ignored, and mum is now going on with our relationship as if nothing was said or done both on and after the holiday.

The easier thing to do would definitely be to move on, pretend it never happened, and ignore how deeply hurt I feel. But is that actually the right thing to do here? Or am I just accepting the role of family scapegoat?
AIBU to stand my ground and refuse to pretend this is all fine? How would you handle this?

@newchaptermummy
Don't apologise
Don't become the family's whipping boy either as I'm thinking that you'll always get the blame for absolutely everything
Why did the niece lie about you?
Was it because your sister badmouths
you behind closed doors constantly and so shes become to seeing you as someone she too can abuse going by her mother's actions?
Your sister overreacted as she thought the penny might drop about what gets said about you behind your back and then you'd put 2+2 together
Your mother acted the way she did citing shame because others probably were watching
I think your mother may be even slightly wary of your sister if she's that temperamental and so that's why she conviently laid the blame at your door
Pay what you owe, as you said you would
But don't back down
Your niece started this via your sisters arseholery

Someone else disciplining her child and her believing her child's histrionics.

Could it be seen your sister was having tantrums and you being passive aggressive and your parents caught in the middle?

Maybe your parents think you should have sorted the issue with your DSis rather than just ignore it.

I think you're all in a dynamic and you can't really get out of it - currently. And I think you're repeating it with next generation by 'play nicely' or take a break - how about doing something different, try helping them figure things out together?
The money thing of your parents paying plays a part in trapping you in child role, even if you're the 'perfect' child, and your sister is the nightmare 'volcano' child. You're both in child role, I doubt your parents really helped you figure out differences as kids, hence you can't quite get over this hurdle. It sounds perverse but I think you, sister & mum are all getting something from these roles. Your mum gets to keep her mum role, be it a victim-y disappointed one.
My suggestion - try something different. Apologise if you don't normally, think about your own behaviour, even if spotless, like maybe it's boring being spotless? For you I mean.
Lastly, pay for yourself next time, or avoid and let them get on with it without you if you can't afford to or have lost the appetite for this same old dynamic.
But it's challenging, changing dynamics so best of luck.

To your parents:

I’m sorry you feel that way.
I accept my portion of the responsibility - however I feel you are assigning me far more malicious behaviour than I am entitled to.
As you surely recall, I walked away when the drama began and I remained neutral and/or silent throughout most of what you are assigning me.
I love you very much and I’m deeply grateful to have parents as loving as you.
This drama-filled time away affected both [daughter] and me greatly - please try to remember that we were subjected to it as well.

In spite of everything, we can’t thank you enough for this holiday and we’ll make it up to you - that’s a promise.

Love - [you]
__

I think sending a check or money might be insulting - perhaps offering very politely might be better.
It’s very very important that you accept responsibility to your parents. They need to know you’re doing the work. They think you’re guilty even though you know you’re not - it just helps to apologise, to be the bigger person.
I’m very sorry this happened ❤️

Your mum sounds like mine - always "6 of one, half a dozen of the other" or "2 wrongs don't make a right" crap sayings.

In essence - "dont make a fuss HG, whatever your siblings do as I can't be bothered to take a stand for right"

End result - my brother did sod all for my dad when he was ill, didnt even make his funeral, but now all should be forgiven and forgotten because she doesnt have a backbone she wants so called "peace" i.e. what suits her

Stand your ground, back away, and keep your dignity

That’s such a lovely email to send. I’m not sure I would be mature enough personally!

I had children in my upper KS2 classes exactly like this. 10 years old and know exactly what they're doing (lying and stirring shit up), completely feral, and their parents back them up. The terrifying part is the handful that lie so convincingly, absolutely made up bollocks, that their parents happily believe them even though their stories are preposterous and often could cost school staff their jobs. Madness.

Your niece sounds of this ilk, as does your sister.

I wouldn't be apologising or going on a holiday with them again.

If you've changed your username for this, I'd send a link to this thread.

Just apologise out of respect for your parents. Life is too short.

Op, I have parents who took this approach to sibling arguments: either it had to be dual fault or I was blamed. While I recognise how frustrating it was to police sibling arguments, it led to the sense that I was always expected to fall in line to keep the peace and wasn't valued as highly. The injustice used to sting.

I would wait until your parents have cooled down a bit and then speak with them. Give a non-apology apology, as someone else said, "it was a real shame the holiday was spoiled by all that", but assuming things played out as you've said, I wouldn't apologise for what you haven't done. You're not a child anymore, you can choose to walk away from family arguments.

Your mother is falling into old parenting habits because its easy, there's nothing wrong with asserting a boundary.

I'm confused. It wasn't the pool incident?

What was it about it? And how was your niece caught out?

The OP should not apologise for behaviour she is not guilty of. The mum is clearly trying to appease the sister by spreading the blame which is disgraceful. It’s cowardly not to call out bullying behaviour especially when it involves being mean to a child.

You clearly handled it as well as possible and definitely shouldn’t apologise to your sister but why not tell your Mum you are sorry she was upset and you are very grateful for being given a lovely holiday and say absolutely no more. No justifications no comment on the others behaviour. That way you give your Mum a way out of the corner she’s painted herself into and hopefully restore your good relationship while not taking any blame for your sisters carry on. Sure your Mum knows herself who caused the upset and just reacted from disappointment the holiday didn’t go as expected. Not saying her reaction was right but sometimes the innocent part gets included in the blame and your relationship with your Mum is the important thing

No such thing as a free lunch - or holiday in this case, and there's nothing worse than people holding that over you, and use it as a stick to beat you with when they're unhappy about something.

I'd not be apologising, and I would say that their accusation that you're equally to blame as your DSIS are unjustified, and if they can't see who the real culprits were, then that's on them. I'd find the money, even if I had to borrow or put on a credit card myself, and pay your parents back. Wouldn't go on holiday again with DSIS and the niece either that's for sure.

Absolutely do not apologise for your sister and niece's behaviour. Bloody cheek even expecting it.

Rule 6: avoid holidays that someone else is paying for!

Tell her your sorry you went on holiday with her and your sorry you didnt engage in your sister bullshit and your sorry you didn't allow the children to continue to argue uour paying her back you will never make that mistake again and you don't expect to hear about it again

They are acting like babies

Go without the family drama OP.

Sounds exhausting.

Will continue as it's the pattern.
Only you can realise yourself.

They never will.

Just say you are sorry. You are as much to blame for the fall out and continuation of it. Your poor parents

Apologize and move on.

This.

Ignoring everyone and just going off to the pool with your daughter is very passive aggressive and not exactly nice. You should have just sorted things out with your sister and niece there and then. Clearly it was a misunderstanding to begin with.

I'm total with your mum - you should both apologise for the parts you played in the ruined holiday.

@newchaptermummy im Wonderimg your mum has send the email to both of you because she felt that way she could say how hurt she was by all the trauma your Dsis created wo massively pointing fingers at her.
It would also explain why she then ignored your email.

Not the best communication method but maybe understandable if your Dsis has firm fir drama, refusing to take responsibility etc… (see her reaction to her dd caught telling lies).

If you feel your relationship with your mum is normally good, I’d stop there and not mention it again. I’d see if your normal interactions are back or not.
I feel that now you’ve said you’d be laying her back, it’s harder to go back on your word. But otherwise I wouldn’t have done UNLESS it’s actually making you feel better, not out of guilt or to smooth over things.

The one person inwould avoid is your Dsis. Esp with your own dd. Because clearly, any time you’re going to step in between the various dcs, it’s going to become your fault. Your niece is likely to tell lies again. I would avoid them.

fwiw just your Op made me think Golden Child. If your sister is used to get away with murder and her tantrums have been swept under like forever, it’s not Gping to change now.

But she didn’t did she?
She stayed with her parents when the Dsis moved her Sunil Ger away from them.
She went in the pool to supervise her dd at the very least (deep end) abd to play with her. Which I think is pretty normal.
The OP never said she refused to talk to her Dsis etc… she said she refused to engage, which I took as grey rocking her. The thing that is said to posters her again and again as tge best way to deal with difficult characters.

What did you exiect the OP to do? Have a chat with dsis who was clearly not ready to have a calm and constructive conversation?

I do absolutely understand being outraged at an accusation of abusing a child. Which is what throwing things at a child would be. That sort of lie from the child is dangerous: if it is believed by someone other than the doting mother, for instance if she accused a teacher of making her afraid the teacher was going to hit her, the results can be awful. And at ten this brat is old enough to know better then to make false accusations against anyone, adult or child. "D"niece certainly knew very well she was lying, and unless OP has form for throwing things at other people's children, so should everyone else know it.

What I can't help noticing is the complete absence of your husband from all this. Was he there? You said "they even call my husband their son": does he hold any opinion about what happened? Because honestly, if you and he are generally in accord with each other, you'd be better off talking about this with him than trying to get your mother to admit she is being unfair.