To not know if I should confront my friend?

[cocopuffy]

I have a friend who I also work with. We met at work but have been friends outside of work for some time. I’ll call her Julie for this story.

We often go out shopping, for dinner etc etc so lots of friendly stuff.

Obviously as a part of this we talk a lot about what’s going on in our own lives. She’s been going through quite a rough time recently and has been asking for a lot of advice. I have listened and tried to give helpful advice when she’s asked for it, but I’m also conscious not to overstep.

I bumped into a mutual friend (let’s call her Emily) recently who asked what had happened between us? I was confused and asked what she meant. Emily said that Julie had been chatting to her recently and had completely slagged me off. Essentially saying I give awful advice and I am a terrible friend for suggesting such bad things.

As well as this, Julie was also ranting about my performance at work. We are on the same level currently, but Julie is due to complete a training programme sooner than me so will briefly be on a higher level than me (though again ultimately we’ll be the same). Apparently she said that I am lazy as I work my designated hours and don’t go “over and above” and that I’m out of my depth and incompetent and everyone thinks this is funny.

Both of these things have really hurt my feelings. Particularly the work comments as I know I’m a hard worker and I consistently get great feedback.

DH (who likes an easy life) has said I should pretend I don’t know this and carry on as normal. I don’t feel I can.

Part of me wants to confront her but then I feel like I’m throwing Emily under the bus which doesn’t seem fair. Perhaps she was shit stirring but it didn’t come across that way.

The other part of me thinks I should just step back, but at this point Julie will definitely notice and is definitely the kind of person to confront why I’m being different. So then we’re back to the confrontation and throwing Emily under the bus again anyway.

Obviously as we work together I can’t just completely cut her off (which perhaps in other situations would be easiest) so I do need to maintain a degree of civility.

im at a bit of a loss of what to do. AIBU to just step back or should I confront her?

I would just step back.

If she then brings it up i would say that you'd heard that she'd been saying unkind things about you and you felt that any 'friendship' had run its course

This. I'd also pay attention to dynamics at work and make sure there's nothing which needs addressing there.

Confront her. You need answers and she needs to know that you have found out how two faced she is

We work quite closely (as in physically close) to each other and I obviously have never noticed her saying anything. The others in the office are also all very lovely and I haven’t got the impression any of them feel the same way.

i had an appraisal recently which was good feedback and had some kind peer comments too - so I’d be genuinely surprised if the others had echoed this sentiment.

I suspect she may have made up that other people agree but I suppose that begs the question of why?

I’d have to confront. I would let Emily know but you won’t be throwing her under the bus at all, she just asked a question. This is normal behaviour between friends

This is the thing. I really want some form of closure as to why she’s been acting like we’re good friends whilst clearly thinking or saying these things. The only way I can do that is by confronting her.

im worried that doing that will a) bring Emily into it too and b) bring the issue into work or cause issues at work if she then really sees her backside about it

I’d be tempted to step back. Maintain a professional relationship at work, but fade her out if work.

However, if you prefer to have a closure, then casually ask her whether she appreciates your advice or not etc

(Are you sure other friend was not trying to cause trouble between you?).

Do you think confronting her would elicit a genuine honest response from her?

I’m pretty certain that our mutual friend isn’t stirring. She isn’t really involved in any way (as in, we’re both separately friends with this person, we don’t hang out in a group or anything) and she’s never had form for any kind of stirring in the past. She also seemed genuinely confused when I was confused and apologised for passing on the information when I was upset.

Its possible she is stirring but I’d be really surprised

You don't need to tell her Emily told you, if she asks just refuse to name her.

What sort of adults would think it's funny if a coworker is incompetent? Either you work at a terrible place, or the person who said this is lying.

Because you work so closely together I would step back and when she notices and says something, I’d say something along the lines of: “I assumed you no longer wanted to be friends as you appear to have a lot of negative things to say about me to other people” and leave it at that. If she asks you to elaborate etc. just tell her to think about who she’s been talking to and what she’s said, because it’s all gotten back to you.

I’d also add on the work front:

Whilst we’re currently on the same level, and she will be promoted ahead of me, we have different direct managers.

My direct manager (I think) trusts me explicitly and has given me a lot of additional responsibility and allowed me to conduct tasks before I’m officially supposed to as he is impressed with my work.

Julie hasn’t been given the same opportunities and often has less responsibility than I do.

perhaps this is why she’s making the comments about my work? As she is upset she doesn’t get to do the same despite being ahead of me? I’m not sure but it’s hard not to overthink it all!

I really want some form of closure as to why she’s been acting like we’re good friends whilst clearly thinking or saying these things.

There is no closure to be had. She was happy to use you as a listener to vent about her problems, but she is not a friend. She is a back-stabbing bitch.
Nothing further to understand.

Step away and move on.

"im at a bit of a loss of what to do. AIBU to just step back or should I confront her?"

Neither

First of all don't give her any more advice. If she asks again say that you feel you have given her all the advice you can and maybe she should consult a professional counsellor if she still needs help?

Also suggest she might like to ask HR about the problems she has, just in case they are impacting on her work.
Say that you are concerned about the issues she's been having and has she thought about a holiday to get back on top of things?

At work, carry on as normal but make sure you dot every i and cross every t

It seems to me that someone has been stirring the effluent here, but until you know who it is I would just "act soft" and carry on as normal.

"Julie hasn’t been given the same opportunities and often has less responsibility than I do."
This ^ could be the root of the problem but until you know for certain just keep schtum.

You can't be 100% sure Emily's telling the truth. If you try a confrontation, either or both of them could lie and you'd be none the wiser.

It's a horrid situation to be in - many of us have been here. Great news about your work review, it's clearly untrue that you aren't doing well. I'm afraid the only sensible approach is to quietly withdraw from in-depth personal chats with either woman, while still remaining friendly. You can always tell Julie you feel you're becoming over-involved in her life and, perhaps, you're always there to listen but won't be offering any opinions. [ETA] The above advice to recommend HR/counselling is better.

One little thing I learned the hard way: if your friendships involve leg-pulling and jokes at your expense, stop engaging with that. It's very easy for a bad actor to turn harmless banter against you.

Yes this approach is good.

She has probably slagged op off to other people so she won’t instantly suspect Emily.

There is no reason for OP to worry that Emily will be blamed.

I agree that it’s a clear sign of a poor friendship that she is making mean jokes etc.

And you’re also right in that Emily may also be lying! I genuinely don’t think she is, but of course I can’t know. A direct confrontation does allow her the opportunity to say that it’s not true, so I think withdrawing may be best.

If she then raises the withdrawing I may then say along the lines that others have suggested “I know you’ve been talking about me so I don’t really want to be friends but let’s keep it professional” etc

Emily is really our only mutual friend, so perhaps it would be obvious it came from her. But I agree I can just refuse to name and shame and leave it to her to raise it with Emily if she thinks it’s her (I assume she’d be too embarrassed to actually ask her anyway)

Ooft, if true she’s not a friend. I would absolutely be raising this with her and asking (carefully) about what you have heard. I would want to get at the truth before I jettisoned one or other or both (in a friend context, I’d still be professional at work). Life’s too short to spend time with duplicitous people.

If this is true, she's a two faced backstabber and it sounds like there's some professional jealousy going on. She's going above and beyond at work to get ahead while dissing her perceived competition, that would be you. She's going to expect you to also go above and beyond. I hope she won't be over you directly.

Sound out other people at work to see if this is true, and if the telling people you're incompetent is going further than Emily.

You say she has less opportunities than you at work but here she is getting promoted ahead of you. Check your assumptions there.

I would just back off because I wouldn't throw Emily under the bus. Just say you're really busy and have to concentrate on other things right now. If you say anything, Julie will likely know the source. Closure is bullshit. If this is true, this dynamic will continue until one of you leave the workplace. Confronting her will only make leaving the workplace likely happen sooner.

I'd step back too and if she asks why you say "news has reached me that you think I'm incompetent which has hurt my feelings and I think its best we don't see each other socially anymore".

She will be promoted ahead of me as she is further along the training course that is required for a promotion. So even though I am getting more opportunities etc earlier it is definitely guaranteed she will get the ‘better’ job before I do (the role is guaranteed by my workplace once the course is complete). I can’t really share more without being quite outing but she’ll definitely be ahead of me in that regard.

She definitely won’t be above me directly, though from offhand comments she seems to be expecting to delegate to me (which I won’t be accepting unless it’s directly approved or instructed by my superior). I get the impression it’s all linked to work somehow, but it’s not as if I’m deliberately not letting her to things or pushing ahead of her, it’s just that my manager is responding to my work where hers either isn’t or she doesn’t work as well!

I am otherwise very very happy and secure at work so I definitely do not want to be forced out over this

she seems to be expecting to delegate to me (which I won’t be accepting unless it’s directly approved or instructed by my superior).

That's where she'll try to push. Get everything in writing. If she says you're incompetent, why would she be expecting to delegate to you?

Watch your back and good luck.

I would not worry about dumping Emily in it - don't mention any names - she's probably talked like this to more than just Emily.

I would go quiet on the personal level. Its horrible when you find out the friendship wasn't how you saw it.

Emily got herself iinvolved by asking what had happened between you and Julie. I’d be thinking as to why Emily did this - what was the purpose? Is she being nosey (and possibly a bit of a gossip?) or was she wanting to support you or Julie trying to figure out what was going on?

Emily not only disclosed that Julie has slagged you off as a friend, she’s then compounded that by adding in your work performance.

Emily must’ve known this would be hurtful to you so I don’t feel that makes her a good friend here to either you or Julie. Why tell you? She’d have been better off either telling Julie herself to stop being unkind or telling Julie to step away from the friendship with you if she’s that unhappy.