To not know if I should confront my friend?

[cocopuffy]

I have a friend who I also work with. We met at work but have been friends outside of work for some time. I’ll call her Julie for this story.

We often go out shopping, for dinner etc etc so lots of friendly stuff.

Obviously as a part of this we talk a lot about what’s going on in our own lives. She’s been going through quite a rough time recently and has been asking for a lot of advice. I have listened and tried to give helpful advice when she’s asked for it, but I’m also conscious not to overstep.

I bumped into a mutual friend (let’s call her Emily) recently who asked what had happened between us? I was confused and asked what she meant. Emily said that Julie had been chatting to her recently and had completely slagged me off. Essentially saying I give awful advice and I am a terrible friend for suggesting such bad things.

As well as this, Julie was also ranting about my performance at work. We are on the same level currently, but Julie is due to complete a training programme sooner than me so will briefly be on a higher level than me (though again ultimately we’ll be the same). Apparently she said that I am lazy as I work my designated hours and don’t go “over and above” and that I’m out of my depth and incompetent and everyone thinks this is funny.

Both of these things have really hurt my feelings. Particularly the work comments as I know I’m a hard worker and I consistently get great feedback.

DH (who likes an easy life) has said I should pretend I don’t know this and carry on as normal. I don’t feel I can.

Part of me wants to confront her but then I feel like I’m throwing Emily under the bus which doesn’t seem fair. Perhaps she was shit stirring but it didn’t come across that way.

The other part of me thinks I should just step back, but at this point Julie will definitely notice and is definitely the kind of person to confront why I’m being different. So then we’re back to the confrontation and throwing Emily under the bus again anyway.

Obviously as we work together I can’t just completely cut her off (which perhaps in other situations would be easiest) so I do need to maintain a degree of civility.

im at a bit of a loss of what to do. AIBU to just step back or should I confront her?

I agree that you have to be careful about immediately believing Emily.

But also, be very aware of anything odd going on at work. I had a work “friend” who I later found out was undermining me and doing all sorts of toxic things behind the scenes. I don’t even think it was professional jealousy, just getting their kicks creating drama. Once I became aware I went to HR and confidentially told them my concerns. I later found out I wasn’t the only one experiencing this with this person, they were running around causing all sorts of problems spreading lies and trying to professionally undermine multiple people. I’m now hyper-vigilant about these types in the workplace and create distance at the first hint of talking about others in a derogatory way, etc.

I think it would help us to know what kind of things she’s been going through through and what sort of advice you gave, and I say this because it may be a case of her feeling like you have something in your life that she doesn’t and she’s lashing out. It’s unlikely to have anything to do with you in reality from what you’ve said.

I’d have to confront her, just say, ‘Hi Julie, is everything okay? It’s just I have reason to believe I’ve upset you with my advice, and if so then I’m sorry. I’d like to discuss it if possible’ and take it from there. You can mention work later, but the first thing is to get a conversation started.

Her reaction can tell you a lot on its own. If she asks who told you, ask her how many people she’s told. If she’s only told Emily, she will know who told you anyway, if it’s more than one person, then just say you don’t want to give names because you don’t want to cause trouble. Maybe forewarn Emily that you’re going to ask Julie about what she told you.

Emily is a shit stirrer. You sound better off without any of them

First of all I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like your friend was just trying to warn you and I don't think she was trying to cause trouble. It can feel awkward when someone is nice to your face then talks badly behind your back. People like this are doing it to everyone, its nothing you've done It makes insecure people feel better about themselves. When this happens to me I use the grey rock method. I don't ignore them but I don't engage with anything meaningfully, so in short, be as boring as physically possible. If she is ranting 'Im sorry to hear that' 'Oh really?' 'aww too bad' just short, boring responses. If she can get no reaction from anything, she will move on to a new victim. You might need to keep this up for a while and if she asks why you've changed just play oblivious. Be the most boring person you can physically imagine.

Just do a slow fade. She doesn't like you, she is a gossip and that will not change. What do you imagine confronting her will do?

Do you have an HR rep you can chat to informally about this? It sounds like she means you harm and might try to cause you grief at work. Gossip can be incredibly dangerous. "Confronting" her will cause her to up her bad behaviour, she's not going to admit anything or apologise.

She's shown you show she is. Believe her.

This is exactly why it’s important to remember:

Your coworkers are your coworkers, not your friends!

I would take this to HR and ask for their advice. You have only heard this second-hand and you are struggling with finding the most appropriate way to manage this. You are considering speaking to her directly, but don’t want a hostile working environment to develop.

Keep it to yourself for now, see less of her.

I’d not definitely believe Emily as she would have known this would be hurtful to bring up if true and still did. So you don’t know what is true at the moment.

I would see less of both of them.

I think going round the subject with your actions will just put you in a position when you can be criticised more and likely others will notice your actions too . Honestly is the best policy here and say you are hurt and why but name no names ( refuse to)

I would be very suspicious of Emily's motive in all this! If a friend was venting ti me about another friend, the last thing I would do is run off and relay it all to them.

She is not your friend. If she had a problem with you she should have been straightforward with you and certainly not talked about you to anyone else.

I don't think much of the person who passed on the tittle tattle either.

You do not need this person in your life, keep contact to the minimum and let it fade.

I wouldn’t be blowing things up at work. Take a step back op, with some vague excuse (parents need care/renovations at home) and stop seeing her socially. Be very busy and keep things light and civil day to day.

I am not sure if you can trust Emily, but I would take a step back either way. To protect my job and remain professional. I don’t have work friends for that reason.

Think very very hard before blowing up this relationship given you work so closely together. You manager is not
going to want to pick sides, trust me
on that one. You could cause yourself a lot of grief. Go neutral but gently withdraw with plausible excuses until
the hurt has passed and you can think
objectively about it.

I think , Emily is the obvious problem here
What was she hoping to gain by telling you what she did
Who knows if it's true or not ..
Emily will know she has put you in a difficult situation that you have no way of finding out the truth.
Julie ...I wonder if she now feels uncomfortable about what she spoke to you about ,the personal problems you helped her with ..
Maybe she is regretting telling someone at work,and worried it will be round the office,so has gone on the attack first ..
However ,you will never get to the truth of this ,so there is no point bringing it up with anyone.
You need to keep work people as work people,you have definitely got to involved with Julie ..
And I've had friends like Emily in the past,always having a gossip about someone else ,I usually say ,I don't wish to discuss anyone else,I'm not interested in what anyone else has said ,and I end the friendship if they continue.
Protecting your job comes first ..don't give a yone any ammunition against you ..
Technically,you have discussed Julie with Emily...and there's no guarantee Emily won't repeat some of the conversation to Julie ,even though Emily instigated it .
In future you need to shut down conversation fast about anyone else

I’m fascinated by people saying go to HR.
your HR departments must be very different to mine 😆

I wouldn't assume Emily is lying, but she isn't an amazing friend. Who tells someone that a mutual friend thinks they are lazy, gives awful advice and is a bad friend and then acts all confused like "whaaaaat? You didn't know she thought that?". Of course you wouldn't know all that.

Anyway, I would probably step back rather than confront as I don't like getting dragged into drama. I would also be wary of Emily

I can't see why Emily told you all this and I can't see what the benefit would be in making a scene with Julie over it. She'll only deny it, or say Emily got it wrong.

Just beware that anything you say to Emily will obviously go back to Julie.

Because you're entangled in a work way, and work physically closely together I would not confront no matter how much I wanted to.

I'd keep things polite and professional but back right off from the personal chats and any out of work meet ups.

I'd be much much more unavailable on a personal level without raising the issue.

If openly asked for personal advice I'd come up with some stock responses you can use instead of offering advice "gosh that sounds really tricky/ I really feel for you / I hope you find a solution that works best for you / a friend of mine had some counselling during a tough time and it really helped her would that be something you think would help you / I hope things get better as you've had such a tough time" etc etc. Sympathetic but no actual advice offered.

I'd thank our mutual friend for the heads up and let her know you won't be confronting the backstabbing friend but will be backing off subtly.

Keep on doing well at work and checking in with your boss. It's good you have different managers I think.

Take the high ground OP.
Cream always rises.

I agree that MoistVonL's advice was the best given.

No sense in letting her know that anything got back to you, or telling her "the friendship has run it's course". Better to stay professional and if she wants to meet up, telling her about feeling awkward being her sounding board, maybe adding in that you don't feel like you've helped, so you are stepping back.

Yes - knowledge is power, OP!

Assuming that the other friend isn't malicious (and only you can judge that) just use the information she's given you to protect yourself. Withdraw emotionally from the colleague/friend. Be civil but emotionally unavailable. If she asks for advice say you really don't think there's anything else you can say - and be firm about that. If she asks why you're witholding further advice, say 'Don't push me on that!' If she then does push, tell her that someone passed on to you that she had found your advice useless.

I find it a bit strange that you would automatically accept this shit talking about someone you are supposedly good friends and coworkers with? i would also question why the third party has gotten themselves involved, and whats in it for them to be stirring up trouble and dissension? Im not saying that its not all true or that the third person may have noble motives, but a little investigation is probably in order to sort out who is telling the truth here....that doesnt mean a confrontation, it means a conversation. Keep your cool and dont escalate things, thats always unprofessional in a workplace setting and will only reflect poorly on you. Cool your jets and find out FOR SURE and from the right sources what is going on, before you launch the nuclear codes.

Julie sounds like an immature little twat!
this happened to me a few years ago. I thought I had a friend in work but she was doing the same thing as Julie. I didn't pull her up on it but I backed away. Looking back I wish I had of pulled her up on it.
I think you should say something OP. This is bullying and it will continue until you stand up to her.

sorry this is happening to you. It's so hurtful when little dickheads behave like this.

I’d just be cold with her from now on and not do anything together. If she asks if everything is alright? I’d explain that I saw Julie recently and she was concerned about us as apparently you said a lot of unkind things about me?! She will walk away and avoid you.

I agree with Moist's strategy.

After you're both promoted, will you still have to work together? I would try and keep things breezy and light. Still joke and laugh, but no more friend stuff. Confrontation won't achieve much other than an awful atmosphere and a damaged professional relationship.

I think she's jealous and relished the chance to be really mean. It's coming from a place of insecurity

I understand the temptation to confront her, but she's lied to Emily and she'll lie again if you do. It's natural to want to know why she's done this, but you'll never really know why and will have to live with that.

I'd take a step back, be polite and cooperative if need be at work, but keep it professional.