To not know if I should confront my friend?

[cocopuffy]

I have a friend who I also work with. We met at work but have been friends outside of work for some time. I’ll call her Julie for this story.

We often go out shopping, for dinner etc etc so lots of friendly stuff.

Obviously as a part of this we talk a lot about what’s going on in our own lives. She’s been going through quite a rough time recently and has been asking for a lot of advice. I have listened and tried to give helpful advice when she’s asked for it, but I’m also conscious not to overstep.

I bumped into a mutual friend (let’s call her Emily) recently who asked what had happened between us? I was confused and asked what she meant. Emily said that Julie had been chatting to her recently and had completely slagged me off. Essentially saying I give awful advice and I am a terrible friend for suggesting such bad things.

As well as this, Julie was also ranting about my performance at work. We are on the same level currently, but Julie is due to complete a training programme sooner than me so will briefly be on a higher level than me (though again ultimately we’ll be the same). Apparently she said that I am lazy as I work my designated hours and don’t go “over and above” and that I’m out of my depth and incompetent and everyone thinks this is funny.

Both of these things have really hurt my feelings. Particularly the work comments as I know I’m a hard worker and I consistently get great feedback.

DH (who likes an easy life) has said I should pretend I don’t know this and carry on as normal. I don’t feel I can.

Part of me wants to confront her but then I feel like I’m throwing Emily under the bus which doesn’t seem fair. Perhaps she was shit stirring but it didn’t come across that way.

The other part of me thinks I should just step back, but at this point Julie will definitely notice and is definitely the kind of person to confront why I’m being different. So then we’re back to the confrontation and throwing Emily under the bus again anyway.

Obviously as we work together I can’t just completely cut her off (which perhaps in other situations would be easiest) so I do need to maintain a degree of civility.

im at a bit of a loss of what to do. AIBU to just step back or should I confront her?

People say this quite often, but I don't think the resulting conversation is ever helpful or productive.

What can Julie say? Yes, she's been slagging you off, and she stands by what she said? Unlikely.

Deny, diminish, deflect? Very possible, and still gives you no satisfaction.

Goes on the attack, telling management you've made allegations against her, or has a go at you or Emily? Potential for reputational damage on all sides.

@cocopuffy , by pulling back and continuing to work well you retain the high ground AND you look professional at work. Should Julie query it, say you prefer to keep thinking on a professional footing. Or perhaps, "I think as co-workers it's best if I pulled back from being your sounding board. It felt a little awkward."

I'm taking a few antihistamines at the moment, so a bit floopy & all my brain can focus on is whether your name is Rachel & where is Ross ?

I’d step back. Mainly as a way of controlling the situation. Unless Emily is exaggerating or isn’t telling the your friendship is dead in the water. Put her on the back foot by stepping back and telling her the friendship has run its course…no excuses. No reasons. No dropping Emily in it. It is what it is! How horrible for you 😢

Im not defending her, but you know they say bullies usually are deeply unhappy people?. You say she has a lot going on in her personal life, sounding like she is unhappy and lashing out in all the wrong places. You have your life together and hers is a bit sh*t, which hurts.
Possibly step back a bit & if she confronts you then let her know you've been told a lot of hurtful things and the friendship has run its course.
It's sounding to me like your friend is unhappy in life and lashing out anywhere she can.

Yes I would do this. Protect your reputation at work at all costs. I would completely stop being friends outside work, but don't confront her. You probably won't get the answer you want to hear.

I think the friendship ending is a shame but the workplace issues sound bigger! She's badmouthing your work and trying to get ahead of you - I would think this all revolves around work and her trying to become your superior while also delegating to you - what a charmer! Pull right back and protect yourself now!

I’d have to let her know I knew what she was saying, what if she is bad mouthing you at work? She’s a snake!

Just be busy.

I wouldn’t confront her at work.

You’re going to have to slowly let the friendship burn out. No matter what you do it’s going to create issues for you at work. Unfortunately, your husband is right. Stop telling her anything personal. No gossip. No drama. Just keep her on an information diet and be really busy all of the sudden.

If she calls it out, just reassure her that nothings wrong and carry on.

Maybe you will find this thread useful OP, as it’s extremely similar
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5547924-to-confront-friend-about-her-behaviour

This.

im the most non confrontational person ever 🤣

But I was in a similar position and phased the person out by being “busy” when they suggested meeting up.

When confronted about why I simple replied “because I’m sure you don’t want coffee with someone who gives bad advice when you ask for it”

This worked for me because I literally quoted what I’d been told she’d said and so she knew it has gotten back to me without me having to actually say anything.

It wasn’t a problem in work because I spoke to her when necessary professionally and asked her professionally necessary questions only.

It does sound very similar but my life is definitely not that put together 🤣

Hahaha I didn’t do this intentionally, but I am a massive friends fan so maybe it was subconscious!

I appreciate all of the advice very much but I think this is what i’ll go with for now. I definitely don’t want to risk my position at work and I don’t want to give any ammo for her reporting me etc!

Julie must have friends other than Emily - why would she choose to slag you off to Emily, the only person she knows that knows you?

If I were going to be massively two-faced, I wouldn't seek out the one person who would be likely to tell the person I was talking about unless I was hoping it would get back to them.

Unless she thought Emily would be a sympathetic ear and say nothing? Did Emily tell you how she reacted to this onslaught of criticism about you?

@cocopuffy go back to social basics...

NEVER act on information from a secondary source. If you didn't hear them say it themselves then assume they didn't.

So you either ask Julie outright and find out for yourself or just carry on as normal.

For all you know, Emily might have completely misinterpreted the tone of the conversation and got it wrong.

Personally I'd subtly mention to Julie that you'd been chatting to Emily and apparently the two of them were talking about you. See how she reacts.

That wasn’t the impression I had when I offered advice on that thread but nevertheless as you both have:

• supported the friend through a tough time
• have a mutual friend/colleague who told you she’s been slagging you off for giving bad advice
• been told by friend that you are lazy for working your set hours
• get good feedback from bosses despite this
• asked the same question…

…then I would say the advice already given in that thread would be pretty useful, no?

@cocopuffy Even if it's true I think Emily is horrible for repeating it. Why say something you know will hurt the other person?

I would step back from Julie, be very brief but polite. If she wants to know what's up I wouldn't hesitate to repeat what Emily said because she's def a shitstirrer (even if it's true).

Knowledge is power. Keep your powder dry for now. If you confront her in any way she will get defensive. This will affect both of your friendships with Emily, create an atmosphere at work, give her permission to bring her perceived grievances against you to a wider audience etc.
Play the long game. You now know what she really thinks of you. She may also be on a power trip knowing she is going to be promoted ahead of you. She's already positioning herself by thinking she will be delegating to you.
Slowly withdraw from the personal friendship while keeping everything professional at work. If she asks just be casual, very busy at home, family demands and even new hobbies.

Video et taceo

I wouldn't say anything and just move on from her she sounds hard work so why would i bother

This exactly.
I wouldn't trust Emily.
What was Emily's response to Julie when she started flagging you off

I agree with this.

If she was just a member of a friendship group... I'd say confront away... because no loss.

But she is a colleague and given how upset you are and because she is a lying two faced b word - she will automatically increase talking about you to others particularly work colleagues.

She sees herself in competition with you at work and wants to be first.

Rather than thinking about confronting her, which might be momentarily satisfying... I would think of it more in terms of managing her so that she doesn't make life a misery at work... a slow fade... be less available... civil.. but non confiding any information she doesn't need to know. You have her measure now.

After all, once she knows the cat is out of the bag.. her first concern will be to get in first in case you tell people aobut her behaviour. She will have no incentive to remain civil and it will cause an awkward atmosphere. She's not going to apologise, more likely to deny it and throw the blame back on you.

I might consider mentioning it to your direct manager as you say you trust her and tell her that you will be quietly taking a step back.

I think you would find this a better way of dealing with her than

In your other thread, it was because she was jealous of your marriage.

So prioritise not causing any kind of trouble at work.

No confrontation. No sudden cooling off.

Continue treating her the same, but let the intensity of the friendship fade and the intervals at which you meet increase.

If it weren't for the fact that you work together I'd advise you to drop the two-faced cow straightaway.

I'm assuming here that Emilynis totaly trustworthy...