To not know if I should confront my friend?

[cocopuffy]

I have a friend who I also work with. We met at work but have been friends outside of work for some time. I’ll call her Julie for this story.

We often go out shopping, for dinner etc etc so lots of friendly stuff.

Obviously as a part of this we talk a lot about what’s going on in our own lives. She’s been going through quite a rough time recently and has been asking for a lot of advice. I have listened and tried to give helpful advice when she’s asked for it, but I’m also conscious not to overstep.

I bumped into a mutual friend (let’s call her Emily) recently who asked what had happened between us? I was confused and asked what she meant. Emily said that Julie had been chatting to her recently and had completely slagged me off. Essentially saying I give awful advice and I am a terrible friend for suggesting such bad things.

As well as this, Julie was also ranting about my performance at work. We are on the same level currently, but Julie is due to complete a training programme sooner than me so will briefly be on a higher level than me (though again ultimately we’ll be the same). Apparently she said that I am lazy as I work my designated hours and don’t go “over and above” and that I’m out of my depth and incompetent and everyone thinks this is funny.

Both of these things have really hurt my feelings. Particularly the work comments as I know I’m a hard worker and I consistently get great feedback.

DH (who likes an easy life) has said I should pretend I don’t know this and carry on as normal. I don’t feel I can.

Part of me wants to confront her but then I feel like I’m throwing Emily under the bus which doesn’t seem fair. Perhaps she was shit stirring but it didn’t come across that way.

The other part of me thinks I should just step back, but at this point Julie will definitely notice and is definitely the kind of person to confront why I’m being different. So then we’re back to the confrontation and throwing Emily under the bus again anyway.

Obviously as we work together I can’t just completely cut her off (which perhaps in other situations would be easiest) so I do need to maintain a degree of civility.

im at a bit of a loss of what to do. AIBU to just step back or should I confront her?

It sounds like she knocking you down to friends to make herself feel better. People that feel bad about themselves do it to make themselves feel better. And you say she been going through a terrible time. If you confront her id suggest taking a light hand with it as it could implode. Think of a cornered animal analogy. You'll probably find what she ssid about uou is more about how she feels about herself.
However, you do not need to put up with that and backing off is definitely something to consider.
and rather than advice ftom now use the talk it through technique if you chose to stay friends.

It goes like this.

Her: What do you think I should do?
You: what is your first thought of what you should fo?
Her: I think I should fo xyx
You: if you do xyz what would be the outcome/consequence of that?
Her: "Blah would happen
You: what else could you do?
And so on, so she is actually finding her own solutions and can not blame you.

I wouldn't go to hr. I don't think they would do anything about a 'someone said that someone said something bad about me' situation and you'd come across badly.

I also wouldn't confront unless you want to risk losing Emily's friendship too. She has warned you about something and you would be dropping her in the shit.

It would be pretty awful to have an enemy at work especially one that two faced.

If you have any other close friends at work you could try and subtly ask them if they have any concerns about you or if they've heard about anyone that does

Therefore in this situation if you have to work together in the future I'd keep my knowledge to myself. You're in a better position than you were before you knew what she was like. I'd keep quiet and let the friendship drift and if she asks for advice ever just turn it back into a 'what do you think' question

Exactly. Why did your friend have a bitch to Emily, of all people. What made your friend think Emily would be a safe person to talk to - has Emily herself given her reason that she would accept such a conversation? And did Emily stick up for you?

hmmm!

Question - Can you trust/believe what either of them is doing/saying?

Keep a distance from both..

I think you should avoid a confrontation if you work together as it could impact all of your work colleagues and you risk being seen as the trouble maker. There is an over-egged attachment in current discourse about ‘closure’ - because just what is the point? It won’t undo what she has said and done, and it won’t remove the hurt.

The first post by @QuaintBeaker is the advice I would follow - step back and be unavailable outside work, keep work interactions to business-only and avoid one to one lunches and coffees. And if she asks why you have cooled, you can state that you have been made aware that unkind things have been said about you to other people and that she doesn’t not value the advice you’ve offered, so you feel the friendship has, indeed, run its course so prefer to keep things on a colleagues-only basis. You say this politely and dispassionately and refuse to discuss it any further.

Just a comment as to why she's done this, there's probably jealousy involved but I have found some people just can't have a conversation that isn't negative. They either have to be moaning about something or slagging someone off or gossiping - never anything positive. I don't know if it's an insecurity thing or if they're just shit at making conversation and find it bonding to complain with someone else, but it's almost certainly not about you. I know people who are like this and half of what they say is untrue or, at the very least, exaggerated, but they seem to thrive off the attention and conversations they have by making everything seem dramatic. Eventually people see them for who they are and move on.

Agree with this. Some people encourage a feeling of closeness by asking for advice. It's like a form of social currency and generally works.

I would avoid giving advice by asking open ended questions like the above.

What does your instinct say?

How do you feel about that?

If you find yourself giving advice you could couch it as How would you feel about.........?

Friends at work are problematic, I think. Again, spoken from personal experience. Clouds judgement, creates unnecessary drama. Conflict of interest, I think.

The question is: what is Emily getting out of this?

Emily sounds like a sht stirrer and Julie sounds like a shtty friend. Some people in life are takers and Julie sounds like one of them. If she's having an awful time, then she could be trying to gain sympathy from whoever will listen, and slating people who've actually tried to help her in order to enhance that sympathy isn't beyond the realms of possibility.

The fact that you and Julie work together is the main reason to proceed with caution. In this situation, I would take a step back without making it obvious. Work drama should be avoided at all costs for your own sake.

Protect yourself - just because someone is having a hard time doesn't give them the right to treat other people badly. Thankfully you're now aware and can act accordingly.

I think that everyone appears to be taking the third parties friends at face value. Why is everyone automatically believing her when the original friend hasn’t done this before?

Cutting off a friendship based on one persons comments seems a bit dramatic to me. You owe it to the original friend to discuss it with her.

If someone cut me off because of something a third party had said if said, when perhaps I hadn’t or it had been misinterpreted I would I also question how reap the friendship was.

Speak to her lioe a grown up. If yoh throw third party under a bus - who cares. She shouldn’t be getting involved if she doesn’t want to be.

It's entirely possible to bring up what she thinks and feels about you, without referring to what Emily has said. Have a think of how you can open a discussion about the training you're doing and next steps....organically visiting her difficult time and whether she feels supported by your input, whilst explaining why your feedback has been the way it is....

It's possible. It needs some self training. And you can be yourself, without letting the emotional reactions come in....

Welcome diversity! Aibu to welcome the rich diverse culture of single males into our country. I can't wait to see what they can share and teach me. I enjoy dressing and working as I choose but maybe I'm wrong. Can't wait!!

Did Emily tell you that?

This! ☝️

But also warn Emily.

If it’s true, Julie is a 2-faced b!tch & needs to know that you know!

I'd be very wary . It sounds as if Emily is a little jealous of your friendship with Julie , and anything you say may be repeated back to Julie . I would ask Julie straight out if she had a problem with you, and perhaps check with your boss or
other colleagues that your work was ok , just to set your mind at rest .