Was DP’s best man speech a red flag?

[Molsmol8]

We were away for a lovely wedding this weekend - DP was one of two best men, and he had responsibility for the speech. I should qualify this by saying nearly everyone in attendance seemed to be laughing through most of it, so it’s possible I will be told to ‘unclench’, so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

’Highlights’ included:

-Referring to someone his friend once pulled on a night out as a cross between Vicky Pollard and Jabba the Hutt.

-Saying he knows his friend has always liked things in his bum and turning to the bride to ask if she has a strapon in the bridal suite.

-A story about him shitting himself on a night out.

-Saying his friend is punching and questioning whether he has a ‘huge cock’.

His defence after was that he had tried to make things as uncomfortable as possible for his friend and that he knows he will return the favour one day so wanted to give as good as he’ll get. It just felt a step too far for me, but as I said, I seemed in the minority.

DP said it’s par for the course for best man speeches and that it doesn’t reflect his wider views.

Christ really?
Which groom wants to be reminded of his bride's sexual life before him at the wedding?
I'd say the same for the groom so it's not sexism.

There's that aspect of this too of course. I mean is bringing up ex's appropriate at the wedding table speeches?

Any etiquette experts around? While we're at it. I'd thought swearing would be a no-go, too.

Just the sheer misogyny of the comment about Jabba the Hut overshadowed that aspect.

This thread is certainly a reminder why I dislike going to weddings.

An acquaintance of mine actually called a guy he drank with in the pub his best friend as they both liked the same relatively obscure male singer. That was a big part of why this guy was his best friend at least. Ridiculous.

This best friend was married and had an affair with a fellow drinking buddy of their's when his wife had just had a baby. This affair ends.

The acquaintance then goes on to marry the same woman thay his best friend had an affair with.

After a couple of years he's crying because he found out they'd reignited their past affair and how "could they do this to me!!"

Yeah mate you're so special that he couldn't possibly do this to you.
Even though of course he cheated on his wife but you? Oh no.
Berk.

They're idiots who mistake crudity for wit.
How pathetic.
Plus, it's telling you something that he would do this at someone's wedding rather than the stag do. Talk about unaware.

If you marry him, you will experience the same and worse at your own wedding. You can’t say you weren’t warned.

This is a speeks for a stag night, not for a wedding where so many different layers of families and friends are present. Parents, grandparents, children, etc..
But to each their own.
At least you have been warned for when your wedding comes, and hopefully you'll manage to calm down an eager to roast best man.

I'm slightly puzzled by the posters who imagine that his speech would have been acceptable in the 1970s. For all of that decade's indifference to sexism I'm pretty sure most of it wouldn't have been!

Really though, this stuff is hideously beyond the pale. I really do wonder if 1990s/2000s lad mag culture made a lot of blokes (and quite a few women) think it was acceptable.

FWIW as a bloke, none of my friends would ever talk about each other like this.

Wow. I think people probably laughed nervously and uncomfortably, especially family… Best man speech is cheeky not vulgar, big difference. Clearly lacks intelligence if he has to cross that line and can’t think smart. I feel so embarrassed just thinking about it and I’m actually very open with quite a dark humour, but there’s a time and place….

This would not have been acceptable in the 1970s. Weddings were special, family occasions. Not some ghastly misogynist roast.

The bigger red flag is that you were hearing the speech for the first time at the wedding? Most people would talk about a speech like that with their partner and at least share the stories they were planning on mentioning.

To have such a big thing happening and him not share it with you is very odd. It suggests that he doesn’t give a sh*t about your opinion (perhaps he doesn’t care for the opinion of anyone that isn’t him) and that is not a man you want to be with long term.

You’re right about the content- anyone decent would have told him to tone it down. A best man’s speech is not to destroy the groom I don’t know where he got that idea from? The speech is to congratulate the bride and groom, sometimes by highlighting how much better a man he is with the bride compared to the time he [insert mildly embarrassing story].

One cheeky story is okay (if euphemisms are used to spare blushes) but the stories you listed are all waaay too much. And you are saying he didn’t even check with the groom if the stories mentioned would be okay? The whole thing reeks of toxic masculinity.

Genuine question, is your partner a bully because wanting to humiliate anyone to that degree isn’t normal? Or is he autistic to a level that leaves him blind to what is socially acceptable?

Either way it sounds like this level of crudity is what you’ll be hearing from the best man at your wedding if you marry him. After what he’s done to his friend’s wedding, the friend will want payback. Are you okay with that? Any future wedding being used as a battleground for toxic men?

If he’s otherwise a good, kind person, talk to him. Ask why he seemed so not his usual kind self in that speech and why he didn’t share it with you first? Maybe he’s an idiot and genuinely believed that this is what a best man’s speech is all about. I don’t know what I’d find worse; being with an idiot who can’t be trusted or a belittling bully who can’t be nice.

Only you can tell if this is a blip or a sign of bigger problems.

I agree.
I just think that mentioning any previous sexual partners of either bride or groom in the speeches would be a no go area.

The misogyny aspect has overshadowed this here: Jabba the Hut and so on but just even mentioning an ex even in a mildly respectful way would not be on.

You just don't do it.

They're supposed to be put aside now.

It is perhaps because the 70s were more sexist that we wouldn't get a best man's speech like this: there was a protective side to sexism of 'not in front of the ladies.'

I think that those born past 1980 think everybody's a lad/ladette.
Generalising I know.

That’s a lot of men for you, and if they are manual workers (not all I’m sure), then that’s just how they are. I’m surrounded by them and they’re all like it.

Not par for the course at all. My BIL is a speech writer and sometimes does best man/groom speeches and he would never include this sort of stuff! Urgh.

There are 2 things with a speeches what you at and how you deliver it. I was at a wedding were a speech tanked badly, however if it was delivered more confidently with pauses in the right placeit would have been funny. Some of the speech might fall in to that but some just sound cringe.

I doubt that "pauses in the right place" would have made this speech acceptable on a wedding day.

I totally get that some people - OK, men on the whole, but not exclusively - like a bit of scatological or crude sexual humour. I get that. But there is a time and a place.

My husband is an academic and when he gets together with some friends he can be as disgusting as the next person! But he knows when it's appropriate.

Keep this sort of shocking stuff for the stag and show respect for the special occasion, and the people who've forked out a fortune for it and who want it to go well for everyone - and leave happy memories, not hurt and anger.

Nah mate that's a speech for when your pissed up on the stag doo

Yes do some embarrassing stories but outing someone likes bum fun at their wedding if great aunty Maude is sat there is just gross

Ew. Crass.