Was DP’s best man speech a red flag?

[Molsmol8]

We were away for a lovely wedding this weekend - DP was one of two best men, and he had responsibility for the speech. I should qualify this by saying nearly everyone in attendance seemed to be laughing through most of it, so it’s possible I will be told to ‘unclench’, so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

’Highlights’ included:

-Referring to someone his friend once pulled on a night out as a cross between Vicky Pollard and Jabba the Hutt.

-Saying he knows his friend has always liked things in his bum and turning to the bride to ask if she has a strapon in the bridal suite.

-A story about him shitting himself on a night out.

-Saying his friend is punching and questioning whether he has a ‘huge cock’.

His defence after was that he had tried to make things as uncomfortable as possible for his friend and that he knows he will return the favour one day so wanted to give as good as he’ll get. It just felt a step too far for me, but as I said, I seemed in the minority.

DP said it’s par for the course for best man speeches and that it doesn’t reflect his wider views.

What you need to understand is that’s the way he’s talking to his mates about you. I would find that revolting and I’m sure the bride must be gutted. What a W⚓️

If I was a bride, and the best man asked if I had a strap-on, and said my groom liked things up his bum, anything so gutter level, IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS, GRANDPARENTS AND FRIENDS, AND MOST OF ALL ME ON MY WEDDING DAY I would be asking what my husband what the hell he was playing at having such a dirty vulgar friend for a best man. I'd seriously be questioning my choice of husband for being CLOSE FRIENDS with anyone who thought that would be appropriate

If the nasty little scrote was my actual partner I'd be mortified. He sounds all "lads lads lads" if he's doing it on the excuse of "it's expected" and when it's HIS wedding day the groom will want to get his own back. It's him who's setting the standard. Ughhhh. No. Throw this one back. He has no respect for women, and can't even pretend to when he's talking about his best friends new wife.

I'll put my money on the majority of the guests thinking he certainly crossed a line. And a fair amount will be wondering how the hell he's not single.

If he thinks this is ok then there'll be other worse knobhead stuff he thinks is ok too. 🤮

Unfortunately scummy men are allowed to breed and have familes. And have decent jobs. They walk amongst us.

Please don't let the fact the B&G 'loved it' detract from any "I've just realised I'm in a relationship with a sleezebag" feelings you might be having. And there being plenty of laughter? That can easily be nervous awkward laughter. I put up with a knobhead pervy boss for years because other staff laughed, and I thought I was just being too much of a prude. It was only ages afterwards I realised it was actually automatic shocked response laughter and all the other decent people presebt were disgusted by it too.

If you ever marry your boyfriend you're obviously going to be expected to have that experience at your own wedding.

I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to make that clear now that wouldn't be acceptable to you. Maybe you already have.

No no noooo. The groom will try his best but struggle to top it? It's an actual competition to see how can be most vulgar and offensive. The mentality of "Lets see who can be most disrespectful to the person each of us cares about most to a room full of people who love and care for that person".

So it'll be aimed at you next when you getting married won't it? If a bloke in a pub said something like that about you I'm sure your DP would be fuming, but because it's his best mate at your wedding it's going to be ok? Yeah right.

I’m afraid it’s too late. Mumsnet has spoken. Divorce your partner, go NC with the newlyweds, and try to pick men with a little more class going forward.

OP is not married. He has been her boyfriend for 18 months.

My mistake. Get married first (watch out for the best man’s speech) and then get divorced.

Omg yes! These types of men act like a mob until one of them thinks they’ll be better off dumping their mates then they have no trouble shittibg on them. I can’t imagine a bigger turnoff than someone having “footie mates” basically just an excuse to make appealing misogynistic comments down the pub usually

Disgusting 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Sign of his immaturity imo. I’d have been seething if I’d been asked about a strap on during the wedding speeches. Cringe worthy. Speeches can be funny without cringe inducing innuendo. They’re supposed to be a tribute to the friendship between the groom and his best man. I cut all speeches from my wedding because I hate them, those giving them stress about them all day and just want them over with, people not in the wedding party don’t care about them and most find them boring. Bet the bride and her family felt the same after that.

Re the time scale. I met and married my husband in less than 18 months. I knew him very well in that time. Not as well as I know him now, but then we celebrated our golden wedding last year.

You and the vast majority think he was a fecking idiot, I agree he was.
To get rid of someone because of it, I think that's an extreme reaction.

But only the OP knows the answer to that.

I see why you think it is an extreme reaction. It now comes down to a simple question: are you okay being with a man who can say such vulgar and crude things? If you are, then stay with him. For me, it would be a dealbreaker because I think the comments are repulsive and misogynistic.

Why?

We’re perfectly fine living non-sheltered lives.

People often laugh as a nervous response. I suspect there was some of that going on.

Congratulations on 50 years.
I don't know how to say this but maybe 18 months back then was different to now?
Different times in the way that people date?
I honestly don't mean this in an offensive way at all.

I started dating about 30 years ago and even I'm amazed at the changes since then.

Obviously it's up to her.
If she's turned off him though that can't be reasoned with.

This is the groom telling your DP that his wife "loved it". Yeah. I bet she did. Just like she probably "loves" a lot of things about her new DH that will become grounds for the divorce later on .... Women really love being made the butt of sexual jokes in public, don't you know?
I'd be laying down the rule right now with your DP that you will not tolerate having that particular friend give any sort of speech at your wedding, and neither will you tolerate any of his other friends giving a similar one. If you let him feel that he's got the tone just right on this one, you can be sure he will ramp it up for your own wedding.

Kind of funny, but gross in front of elderly parents etc . He needed to read the room, this would have been better done at a stag do. Bet you’re dreading your future wedding when the favour is returned!

That backs up what your DP said about it being normal for their group of friends. It sounds more like a "roast" to me. Those celebrity events where the host sits laughing while the guests verbally rip them to shreds. It's only not humiliating because the host laughs. That's fine for a get together with those who enjoy that kind of thing but almost certainly won't land well with all the guests at a wedding.

It seems your partner's friendship group are in a race to the bottom, out doing each other on how low they can go recounting unpleasant stories about each other. Some might say that would show that they have robust egos. I think it is rooted in massive insecurity and the need to keep each other in their place with reminders of their failings rather than acknowledge their qualities and successes. That would be a red flag to me.

As other posters have said, best man speeches often raise some laughs at the grooms expense but the anecdotes are normally endearing rather than gross and shameful. If you would prefer to be with someone who agrees with that then perhaps this isn't the man for you.

Ugh no

Oh god, I'm so sorry. That's awful.

If it's such an ick for you maybe just dump.him? I mean I've never heard a best man speech like that but my bridesmaid gave a speech where she swore, told some stories about awful boyfriends I've had prior and that my husband was 'the only man I ever dated that wasn't a complete dickhead' it sure wasn't G rated but whatever.

Were people laughing out of embarrassment? Hardly funny is it. My brother did an amazing speech once, people were howling, as it was actually really clever jokes etc. This is so low and pathetic.

That doesn't sound at all the same.

"give as good as he gets" - you do realise if you stay with this man and get married, you're going to be the bride at the receiving end of this kind of Best Man speech ...

(Haven't read the whole fred yet)