To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

When I say it was a gift, I mean the gift was that they got to choose their ideal home and live there rent-free and mortgage-free for as long as they like, without ever having to worry about housing costs. That’s a pretty enormous gift in itself. The legal ownership isn’t really the point. Because they don’t have housing costs, they’re free to save, invest, buy another property together if they want, or spend their money however they choose. They’re in a far stronger financial position than most couples their age.

The other point I’d make is that some people have said she’d be left with nothing if they divorced while my son would still have family support. Well… yes, that’s rather the point of keeping family assets separate. The whole reason the assets are structured this way is so they don’t become part of a divorce. My responsibility is to protect assets that have been built up for future generations. I wouldn’t expect any parent in my position to do otherwise.

Also, the wealth hasn’t been built by my son. It was built by myself and my son’s dad. I don’t see it in the same way as a couple building something together over 20 years, where one spouse supports the other while they create wealth as a team. In that situation, I absolutely understand why the assets should be shared. This isn’t that. Neither my son nor his wife created the family wealth.

From the op: He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

Great job, OP, but could you do better?

Have you set up a family trust? They are almost impossible to break for a divorce payout.

Consider reducing his salary, so the couple can't build up any assets that DIL would have a claim to in a divorce.

If they do split up, be sure to cut his pay to £1, to avoid child maintenance payments.

You've got this!

It sounds as if you are keeping DS tied to mummy’s apron strings with gold thread. I’m not surprised DIL wants to build a more independent life for her and DS.

So if your son cheats and her and dumps her in 10 years time, she's stuffed because you don't agree with divorce?

I think if she's a gold digger, she's not a very successful one.

This whole situation reeks of maternal enmeshment and your DIL should run a mile.

😂

You are controlling both of them with money. You've made it clear that she is not a never will be family by protecting family assets so they can only be inherited by the blood line but you have the cheek to expect her to make the financial sacrifices required to continue that bloodline. There will be financial sacrifices for her because of maternity leave.

It's not clear if you are paying your son the going rate for the job he does but 50k for London isn't huge. You have the power to make him unemployed and both of them homeless and you can't understand her position. Your son could be an arse and she has nothing to fall back on.

I'm not sure how you have the front to call the flat a gift. It sounds like they have rent free accomodation in YOUR appreciating asset. Very nice but you did not gift them a flat.

She might be being grabby but you are exercising all the control you have which would be a red flag for me.

If she wanted a more independent life she’d make moves to improve her own salary and job prospects instead of wanting to be a SAHM.

OP, I voted YANBU, but the more of the thread I've read, and your posts, I've changed my mind. To me, it sounds as if you don't like your DIL much - you are judgemental about her wanting to be financially independent / secure, about her desire to be SAHM and the outrageous fact that she got drunk on her hen do.

You also sound arrogant, tight and controlling about your wealth. This will go one of two ways - you will loose your son or your son will loose his wife.

Back off.

You let them live rent free in one of your properties- let’s not try and call it a ‘gift’ as you’ve not actually given them anything.

that said, I can see why you are confused and concerned- I can see both sides. £50,000 is low for a full time London job for a 28 year old, assuming it’s skilled and proper. It’s bizarre that you’re thinking they should save and buy their own if you also think that you’ve ‘given’ them a property… see above.

this whole set up is messy and asking for drama and future issues. You need to sit down with your husband and your son and openly discuss it all. I don’t think you’re being as generous as you think you are.

Husband is dead. This is all on Mummy.

As a landlord I would say that they would be crazy to invest in a buy to let property.

It would be an illiquid asset and there is currently a glut of ex-rentals for sale.
Rentals require management, maintenance and can be a real headache.
Property prices are not rising as fast as they used to - equity based investments yield far higher profits.
The Renters Rights Act has made letting property much more complex and restrictive.
More and more councils require landlord licensing, which adds an additional layer of complexity.
Not everyone is cut out to be a landlord.

Er I would say the legal ownership of the flat is exactly the point. It would have been possible to put it in your DS name and word the prenup in such a way that DIL would only be entitled to a share if they had DCs in the future, but you chose not to do that. You make a big song and dance about giving your DS a flat, but in the end it’s in your name. Rent free is good, but definitely not the same thing as giving. It doesn’t even make any sense from an inheritance point of view as you’re much better giving it now when you’re presumably expecting to live for 7 more years so inheritance tax won’t be an issue.

Yes your DIL sounds a bit grabby and it sounds like she bought into the concept of the rich family only to discover it’s all smoke and mirrors and her DH hasn’t got anything really. Would you object to her being a SAHM if they have DCs ?

I somehow missed that. Thank you

I don't think £50k in London, at 28, is a bad salary. Teachers, nurses, early career marketing, hr, high street law firms, academia, etc. Not everyone is in Finance or magic circle law firms.

Both our DC have money behind them. Both have altruistic careers because they can.

She’s been out in a very awkward position here. You seem quite controlling, masked in generosity.

the flat wasn’t a gift if it’s in your name.

I think that your DIL was expecting you to buy them a house in London and subsidise their lifestyle and is disappointed that this isn't happening.

I also think that you are being quite controlling so neither of you come out of this very well.

I do think that, despite your DIL's disappointment at not being bought a house, that she and your son are in a very good position to save up as they have no housing costs and obviously live somewhere lovely that they certainly couldn't afford to buy or rent themselves.

Actually, I think this is just a skill issue on the part of the DIL. If she is a gold digger, she is an exceptionally poor one. I hope she does better next time!

I don't know where you got that idea from, it's not true. There is extra stamp duty the OP would have paid on purchase as it's an additional property for her. But HMRC doesn't demand tax for rental income that's non-existent.

OP, I can understand your DIL's concerns. What you have done is not as generous as you think, there is no security for her. It is quite controlling of you, and I wonder what your son really thinks. Also £50k is not a fantastic salary, especially in London.

Smacks of ‘bunny’ in sex and the city I feel - luckily Trey saw charlottes point and was having none of it

Her DIL : "I'm worth a million"

So you both made it very clear to DIL that she is not and never will be family. I’m sure that’ll go down really well for you in the future. So she’s not family, but must love him enough to actually sign that she’s not family and that she can be disposed of with minimum fuss. If DIL was my daughter, I wouldn’t be happy she married your son.

You either help them of you don’t. What you are actually doing is keeping your son tied to your apron.

If she gives up her career, independence, time etc for your grandchildren, she should have more than a key to a flat you own.

Hope she’s smart enough to leave you all to your coffers and have a life and children with someone who sees her more than an appliance. If it’s too late for that, hope she’ll choose your nursing home for you.

OP, if your son left the business and worked somewhere else would the rent free flat still be on the table. If he decided to go low contact because of the views you have on the women he loves would you withdraw the rent perks. If you were denied seeing your grandchildren would he still live rent free.
It's all about control and power wuth financial threats. Very common inbfamilies that have money. You can protect the family assets, but once the DIL marries your son and has your grandchildren she is family. Like you married your son's father. That's how family works.

I’d imagine a property in London has high running costs, even for 2 people on £50k salaries.
I don’t blame her for wanting to her their position if she does become a SAHM to their children.

you say all company/family assets are not included should they split and then say your DS was happy to sign a pre nup. Of course he was, his financial status isn’t affected if they divorce. You won’t ask him to leave the property you have “gifted” to them, she will be expected to leave.

it is not being a gold digger to want to know their financial situation as their relationship changes and develops