To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Honestly I think this is a massive communication problem.

You say it's a family business and you want it to pass to your son and his kids eventually - and yet you pay him a v low wage and have no interest in letting him own shares. You even say he can go and work elsewhere when surely you want to encourage him to take on the management of what might be his company eventually?

You say you've been generous but really you have cash to burn and have chosen not to put the flat into your son's name. It could be ring fenced if you're concerned about divorce?

And why are you getting your knickers in a twist about something she drunkenly said at her hen about being a SAHM? They genuinely can't afford it in the current set up....

You and your son need to sit down and work out what the next 10,20,30 years looks like if you genuinely want this business t stay in the family and your son to keep talking to you....

Does she even have a child???

I'd not be happy in her position either.

I wonder what your son’s opinion is. I know a man in an extremely similar position to yours in terms of that he’s living with his partner in a house his parents own, and he’s underpaid working at the family business.

He is very much of the position that their set-up is great so why would he bother moving or working elsewhere? And indeed it IS a great set-up for him - no rent, secure housing, easy work, and the promise of a good inheritance in the future.

His partner however is stuck in this situation that provides her absolutely no security, and she can’t persuade him to do anything about it - why would he? She won’t leave because unfortunately she’s decided she loves him too much.

I wonder if your DIL feels a similar way OP.

You didn't buy them a flat though you bought yourself a flat?

I'm sure you'd feel just as aggrieved if they said 'thanks but no thanks, we are going to rent a different property'. Then you'd be asking 'AIBU - I bought my DS and DIL a flat and they don't want to live in it and are ungrateful'.

You haven't "gifted" them anything - you are letting them stay rent free in a property investment you have made either personally or through your company and which you can turf them out of at your pleasure.

Where does being provided a home rent free stand in terms of your son's/DiLs tax liabilities - would it be classed as a taxable "perk" of the job since presumably you don't give other employees free accommodation?

Where does it say that OP is underpaying her son? You have no idea what the business is or his position or his qualifications so I don’t see how you can make that conclusion.

If they were renting and divorced, what would the DIL walk away with in that situation? Absolutely nothing.

They are living rent free in London, presumably saving at least £2k in rent per month. This enables them to invest in their pensions, into stocks and shares ISA plus each open a LISA and save into that. It is a massive advantage and together they can build their own wealth. Then, if they were to divorce, they split the assets that they have built up.

I genuinely don’t see a downside, most young couples when they get together have to work hard to save for a deposit. They are being gifted security and free accommodation, it’s up to them to build upon this and work hard for the lifestyle they want - just like the rest of us have to.

I can see it from her point. My MIL bought a flat for us, which we had lives in as tenants but landlord wanted to sell. We had our first child and she wasn't happy about me telling her she wasn't coming over every single night to see said child. She evicted us on Christmas eve. Our child was 8 months old. She was financially controlling in other ways, wrapped up as generosity. Haven't spoken to her for 9 years. I can see why DIL.would be concerned. Perhaps she hasn't quite expressed it well, but her concern is real.

Living for free in London in a home you chose yourself sounds like a bloody good gift to me.

my MIL is my best friend. She has treated me like a daughter from day one.

If she had done any of the things you have it wouldn't be the case.

I want to be treated like a daughter not a potential family imposter and ex.

My MIL has seen us as a unit and I am so grateful to her.

You are 💯 correct. I have seen people left with nothing.

I don't think DIL is a gold digger and I think your motives are probably good, but she hasn't found herself in a situation I envy, if I'm honest. She has somewhere nice to live but it's yours. I would be saving hard to have a place of my own but I can't see your DS being as motivated: the flat is sort of 'his' by proxy of you being his mum. Part of the 'bloodline.'

My PIL have some money but I have never felt excluded from the bloodline, and my parents would definitely see any financial help we needed (we haven't) as being for both DH and I. DH is very much part of the family.

I do understand your concern that someone could marry DS for his money and take half of it in a divorce. DH and I have talked about how to gift some money for a deposit for a house to our kids and ring fence it in the case of a relationship breakdown that didn't involve kids. (Once there are kids, we'd just want everyone to have decent places the kids could reside in and all ring fencing would be null and void). We haven't got very far with a solution but I do understand the want to make sure your kid is not taken for a ride. It does happen.

However, the current situation sounds like a source of marital conflict and nothing welcomes someone to a family like a prenup. I think how you are hearing about this is important.

If your DIL was my DD, I think I would consider her to have a DH problem. Having been looked after financially by his parents he is really happy to rest on his laurels, work for the family business for a basic wage and see what further handouts transpire. I am sure he is living well on this arrangement and hasn't developed the intrinsic motivation to do otherwise. He is secure there is an inheritance ahead, after hopefully a very, very long time, and that you would finance him if he needed anything. Your DIL doesn't have this assurance as that is only available to the 'bloodline.'

Despite being a couple, their financial situations are very different. This isn't my understanding of marriage. Marriage is more of a 'we're in it together' thing. They're not. He's got assets via you that she doesn't share. I know logically she should save to get on the property ladder herself, or they should as a couple, but he won't be similarly motivated.

It has created an imbalance and although you sound very hands off in their financial situation and were doing a nice thing by letting them live in your flat, I think treating him like family and her differently has caused a problem. I'd want them both to be happy as his happiness in marriage is dependent on hers more than I would want to keep my cash in the bloodline. It has reminded me of the phrase that money doesn't always bring happiness. Yours doesn't sound like it has, which is a shame. One of the benefits of amassing wealth is to ease your children's path but I wonder if you have done too much leaving him a bit passive and happy to rely on you, and DIL excluded from the security this brings.

Where has the OP said she is underpaying her son? She has confirmed that he is being paid the going rate and, should he choose to, he could always leave.

I wouldn’t live in a flat that a partner’s parents owned. If it’s a gift it should be in their name. It all sounds very tightly arranged. I’s be asking questions too.

I haven't rtft but are you paying tax on this - you're not allowed to buy property and let relatives live rent free - HMRC will require you to pay tax on a market rent whether or not they are paying you rental.

I wouldn’t describe her as gold digger. I’d be very worried if it was my 20 something daughter.
You haven’t bought them a flat. That’s incorrect. You have bought yourself a flat and are allowing them to live there. On a whim you can turf them out in the street. It would annoy me intensely a mil pretending to have gifted a flat like lady bountiful when she’s done no such thing. They can’t decorate or building work without your say so.
His salary seems low for London, maybe DIL is thinking they’d be better off living in a cheaper city and buying own property like a normal young married couple.
It all smacks of be a good boy and one day all this will be yours. But always hanging over him he needs to please mummy.
Even if no direct threats it’s there hanging over you all. If children are involved did they give baby your dh’s name to keep you sweet or because they wanted to. If there’s a disagreement eg DIL wants them to go to local school you want private there will be the pressure to keep you onside as potentially they are homeless if you throw a hissy fit. It’s a huge pressure on a young couple like 3 in a marriage. Let’s buy a house - no mum will be offended if we move out. Let’s move to Manchester the same job you do pays more there.
It’s very gilded cage and no way to live.

I like your thinking, OP. That's how wealth stays in families and isn’t frittered away by foolish sons.

Is your daughter married, OP? If so, have you made comparable arrangements in respect of her and her husband and what does he think of it all?

There isn't enough context to form an opinion except that op's dil probably thought she was landing on her feet and found she didn't.

What's the business, how much is it worth, how much was the flat? At the very least I'd have expected the flat to be trust/ds's name and for there to be a pre-nup.

Does the DS have transferable skills? Could he stand on his own two feet? What does the dil do for a living? What are the DS and DIL's highest qualification? Why isn't the DS treating the DIL as an equal and why wasn't all of this properly sorted before the wedding?

May I ask if a non indigenous British culture is at play here? I say that because our DC were bought starter homes when they were children, in trust until their 30th birthdays. Their partners are not dissimilar to them so there's no concern about "gold digging".

Nothing worse than rich family thinking they are being generous but attaching strings to their 'generosity'. If you gave them the flat then it should be in their name. No ifs or buts. If you gifted them rent free living then call it that.
It's all a control thing. Same with employing them at a not particularly generous salary and even the over involvement you have in his finances and opinions on your son's wife.
You're a control freak and need to back off. Your son should look for his own path in life. I completely sympathise with your DIL. She sees a future of dependence on you and over involvement in her married life. Give them the house for a start.

It's hardly being a gold digger to marry someone who lives in his mums house, and where she would have no security if anything happened because the house isn't owned by either of them.

I think she should not give up work and she should make sure her husband is on board with saving up for their own place, because he's the only one with any security currently. If he leaves, then she's got nothing even if she has children with him

What kind of work does DIL do? Has she got a good career? I don't get why she's not trying to be more financially independent. You say she wants your son to get more so that she can be sahm for future dc. It all sounds off. I wouldn't want to live in a place given to me free by mil.

But you don’t pay him much, surely.

I don’t have experience of this level of family wealth, but I know I would not want to live like this in a flat owned by my PIL.

I would be a bit concerned/irked if I have given them one of my properties [edited to add I do not have multiple properties - referring to ops] to stay in completely rent free (in London no less) and the response was feeling miffed they (well she) haven’t been given more. Incredible opportunity for people their age to have a lovely 3 bed place in London to stay in whilst they max out their savings/concentrate on careers - so they can afford the lifestyle they want later. Your DIL has certainly been given the opportunity to create more wealth in her own name, as has your son.

I would agree that £50K in London for a 28 yr old isn’t a great salary but if that is the going rate for the work he is doing fair enough. As you say, his choice and he isn’t the one complaining. The fact that she earns less is interesting.

I wouldn’t jump to the gold digger conclusion though. Maybe a lack of understanding on a deeper level of they/she has been given - especially considering their ages. I think/see things quite differently now I am in my fifties. I would make me feel less generous in the future not more…to be confronted with an entitled and a bit disgruntled attitude like that.