To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Does you son earn a fair wage, the same amount you would have to pay someone with his skill and experience if you were to replace him. Or more or less.

If the business is very successful (and ability to invest in a flat in London that makes no returns suggests that it is) why is your son at 28 not a higher earner has he not risen in the business, is it unwillingness, or inability?

Would he be better off working elsewhere, if so why had he not, lazy?

These are the questions I would be asking as his wife.

If his wife earns a similar wage their take home will be around 7k per month. Average living costs in London for a couple with no children living well but no rent or mortgage 2K. So they could save 5k per month, should be thinking about pensions. 4k towards house deposit. Average cost of a 2 bed flat in London 400-600k according to google. So say 500k to buy. Deposit of 10% 50k will need to save for 12 months. But will have a 450k mortgage costing £2,500 per month. Less than they would be saving per month for the mortgage.

Doable.

I can see why they feel hard done by if you are rich. I can see how they feel like they are living in a guided cage. I wonder why your son is not advancing quicker and earning more.

BUT if those fag packet calculations are correct. They could use your gift over the next 12-24 months to get themselves on the property ladder.

I understand why she's worried, but I don't think she's a gold-digger; as there's no gold.

If she were my daughter and wanted to stay, I'd encourage her to save as much as she can to get out; and by no means should she give up her financial freedom. I'd probably even counsel her against having his children, nevermind giving up work.

She's not wrong.

This is a gilded cage but these birds can fly anytime they want. The DiL should use this opportunity to save a house purchase deposit. The SAHM option comes with financial consequences though.

Yes this narrative that you have bought them a flat, you didn't. You are letting them live in your flat rent free and gave them a say. But you own it.

I think you need to tread very carefully as you are on the verge of doing irreversible damage to your relationship with your DIL. She will be the mother of your grandchildren and as it stands, you will only have a superficial relationship with them. She’ll tolerate you but never embrace you as you are controlling their life.

You did not give them a wedding gift of a flat - why are you peddling that false narrative? You ultimately helped decide which flat to buy and then kept it in your name. A wedding gift would be for both of them in their name. I completely understand structuring the business as you say so she has no claim, but to not have her own home half in her name must be incredibly frustrating. It’s either a gift or it isn’t. Yours isn’t a gift. If you didn’t want to buy them a flat, that is absolutely fine also but you wanted to make an elaborate gesture to make yourself look good.

50k is not a big salary in London - that he chooses to stay, I’m guessing is because you dangle the carrot of “it’ll all be yours one day”. You probably don’t have a bad relationship with your son and that’s why he stays but he won’t thank you in the long run.

What you are doing is slowly poisoning his marriage as you are ultimately controlling their marriage financially and making it so your DIL has limited choices and options. You are ensuring that they are beholden to you and acting like you’re being generous. Young people are reliant on parental help to get onto the property ladder.

When that level of resentment builds over years, it turns to poison. It will start with your son mentioning meeting up with you or inviting you over and he’ll get a luke warm reception or eye roll from his wife. Once children arrive and she is more tired and less willing to entertain the crap that you’re pulling as over the years you will dangle more money over their heads as a way in. Your son will know how much his wife dislikes you and over time it won’t be worth the agg for him as he’ll just want a peaceful life so you’ll be on the periphery wondering why you’re not as involved or welcome as you’d like to be when in your mind you’ve done so much for them.

You have the opportunity to be generous with no strings attached. For this they would be grateful and thankful. Lots of women dream about being a Sahm - if you are the one to help facilitate this for your DIL, she will remember it forever. If you try and control the narrative, it will backfire. I think you mean well and are trying to protect your son and his future inheritance. However, there is a way of giving a little (like the flat as you can clearly afford it) and protecting the rest. He has chosen to marry this woman and she will be the biggest influence on him and his life. You are in an amazing position that you can help your son - don’t let the fear of the what ifs ruin what you are trying to do.

Well to be honest, she is right. The flat isn't in her name so they are not on the property ladder. So you didn't really buy it as a wedding gift did you, no matter whether that's how you dressed it up. It's in your name not theirs and living in London, 50k is a crap salary. I don't blame her for being resentful and fed up, and no, I don't think it makes her a gold digger. Your son needs to grow a pair, cut the apron strings and release himself from your control. If I were her, if he didn't do that, I would be leaving him.

I agree with your dil.
You bought a flat they could live in rent free, which was really nice of you.
This is a good chance for them to save up to buy a house that theyoʻ own.
50 a year isn’t a big salary, but living rent free they can save faster.
Family should have shares in business.

Your son and his family will take over when you retire? They'll want to feel independant.

We do and we don't. There's no statutory framework for pre-nups in England/Wales but there are lots of things which don't have a specific law covering them but can still be legally binding. The key is the intentions of both parties, so if an agreement is drawn up and made in the correct legal terms, which includes both parties having independent legal advice, the court will take a pre-nup agreement as strongly determinative (not 100% binding but not to be overturned without a very good reason) in the event of a contested divorce.

However as others have said, a pre-nup can really only effectively cover the wealth of the parties as it was on marriage, I.e. covering off significant wealth/inheritance one party brought into the marriage, a sort of we each leave with what we started with situation. Things get a lot more complicated when wealth is developed/built within the marriage, and given that OP ensured the son actually had almost no wealth in his own name when he married it's questionable how much the pre-nup will help in a situation say 20 years down the line if the DS is by then the owner of the business. There's still ways and means to tie things up in trust funds and ownership structures and so on which I assume is what is meant by OP's 'bloodline' comment...

What was the point of the prenup when your son has no assets?

It does sound like you gave an unhealthy amount of control in his life. Do you treat his sibling(s) in the same way?

You have entirely controlled away their independence.

your son is not wealthy and earns a crap wage in a business that is offering him no future or
financial progression.

nor is he financially savvy enough to see that his mother is taking the piss.

your DIL is right to question because he can’t, or has been taught not to.

Why aren’t you sharing your families wealth with your son and his family? what an awful woman you are.

I would not want you as my MIL as you appear to be very transactional and business like in your behaviour and attitude towards your DIL (and also towards your son in fact). Assigning inheritance towards only the 'bloodline' sounds very cold and almost sociopathic to me. The nonchalent way you disregard her wishes, preferences and insecurities regarding her living arrangements is really weird. Money is a state of mind with some people, and it certainly is with you.

This is all about control.

I wonder if the DIL has a timescale in mind for putting up with this. I give it less than 2 years and they will be divorced if this staus quo is maintained.

This OP just makes me think controlling parent.
Flat bought but in your name.
London salary 50k - but could be more.
No shares for a child that works within the business
Chat of bloodline only inheriting the business
Prenup - which I am not sure holds much water in this country
When she voices concern - you reach for gold digger.

One could try to talk themselves into believing it's all done out of the goodness of one's heart but I had a parent who used money as a form of control. I refused to do as they said and in all I am happier for it.

In contrast to my upbringing, FIL contributed significant amounts to our house purchase financially. House is paid off. House is ours with no strings attached

I get it totally. I went through a horrific divorce, he cheated. But because his parents owned our home, I had to leave. It was a double whammy that very nearly broke me. I just think you DIL has no security.

He will struggle to buy a flat in London on £50k. How much does she earn?
If I was her, I'd be saving as hard as I could for a deposit for shared ownership property so that I had some assets and secure housing.

It may be the business actually bought the flat, which changes the inheritance tax situation, the op sounds like a savvy woman so I expect she's got the tax situation optimised. They may not be earning equity but they are saving thousands a month in not paying Central London rent. And he will inherit I assume quite a few million, if mum can afford to buy a very nice flat that probably cost a couple of a million (or more) for her son to live in without blinking.

I would do exactly the same in your situation OP.

If DIL wants more, she can work harder or save harder. She chose to marry a man who earns £50k and she earns less than that herself. Given they aren’t paying rent, she could potentially go PT or be a SAHM if they have DC.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

if I wanted to be a SAHM I wouldn't accept a prenup that iced me out of all finances.

She's joined the family but you are treating her as an outsider. If I were her mum I would be very worried.

I get why you did this but I understand her viewpoint too as technically they have no assets and his salary isn’t amazing to be saving on - does she earn well too at the moment? I think that’s relevant. Otherwise I would be giving your son some shares maybe or giving her a £50k lump sum for some security - they may not have enough coming in to be able to buy elsewhere and rent out - it takes big deposits these days on buy to let in ok areas.

However I woukd also add what’s in the prenup? Does she get a fair sized lump sum if it all goes south and can at least house herself or afford rental deposits and setting up again? That’s pertinent too- I think she may be feeling very insecure , especially if she has kids rather than a gold digger OP and I do get that -

I can see you mean well op, but your dil is right to feel like she owns nothing and as a result to feel massively vulnerable. She is in a very precarious position should they ever split up having signed a prebuo and not having a state in the house they live in. You framed it as a gift, but it's not. A gift would mean it belonged to both of them equally with no strings. You must see that by allowing them to live in your flat you have all the control and it makes it very difficult for your dil and their marriage as you and your son ( by default) hold all the power. I assume your son is happy with the arrangement and probably feels a lot less pressure to start saving for a house together which will only sanage their relationship over time. Also the fact you see her as a gold digger is very telling. What chance do they have? She needs security and equal control of their finances. She can't choose not to marry him now as they got the flat after the wedding. I certainly wouldn't be starting a family with him until I had a lot more security. It's not about being a gold digger. It's about protection. He could screw her over. And she would be out on her arse with children in the mix. All in all she is in a nightmare scenario, as a woman surely you see that?

I wouldn’t be happy with that either. The flat isn’t theirs. It’s your flat and you’re letting them live in it rent free. Presumably they are paying for the maintenance and decorating? It’s a kind gesture, but it’s not a secure life really. If I were them, I’d be saving up to buy my own place and looking to build a bit more security. Their lives are very much controlled by you and that’s not a good way to live. It’s not being a gold digger. It’s wanting to be a proper grown up.

Yes I’m curious about this too.

If my daughter were in your DIL’s position I’d be very concerned

Under paying your son and also not giving him any equity in the business
’Giving’ them a flat that you own (and you reiterate this a few times)
Putting a pre nup in place that would see her homeless and skint
Ensuring any inheritance is paid to your ‘bloodline’ (urgh).

It’s not the DIL who is the problem here OP.

Thing ls op your trying to help has got you in a sticky spot where nothing you can do will now be good enough.

Ideally you would sell your flat, increase your son wages, and sent him a link to indeed and let them get on with it, but I don’t think that will go down well.

Your generosity has caused a problem.