To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Not read the whole thread but DIL should of course be considering her future and home ownership etc. Expecting her dh's rich mum to provide this future security , rather than building it together with her husband is weird though . Not a good look.

I would be incredibly grateful to live in a rent free flat in London if I were in DiLs position, however I feel it comes with many strings and OP doesn't care about anyone outside her blood family.

That's not to say that I would think I was entitled to half the flat if the marriage broke down, however I would like some sort of security so if I were DiL I would be saving my own money to buy a property or invest to ensure I had financial security before having children.

Right - but you how loaded that is against the dil?

Let's say, for that sake of argument that she does just that. Works are and pushes back child bearing' till she has saved enough for a house downpayment and maternity.

Then son says - sorry but I have fallen for Julie next door?

A small (by the sounds of the wealth of the family) financial risk fall on the op and her son.

But all the LIFE risk falls on the dil.

(And, by the way, the dd is really not a friend of dil if she is running home telling tales out of school).

A flat that they can leave… AND RENT IT OUT, just as OP’s daughter is doing.

I think OP is being incredibly generous. What I wouldn’t give to have someone pay my rent in perpetuity. I would have been able to save so much money. OP seems pretty flexible as to whether or not her son works at her business. As someone who works with a nepo-baby, I appreciate that her son is being paid a salary commensurate with his experience. She very much seems to not want him (and DIL by extension) be spoilt by her wealth. Boiled down to the basics, no DIL or SIL has the right to expect money from their in-laws & OP has this structured so that the generational wealth is kept within the family. It also makes sense that OP’s children aren’t getting shares - OP & her husband built this business - and it sounds like none of the children are going to run it one day, so it’ll be easier for OP to sell when she owns 100%.

I’m curious if there were similar issues with OP’s other DIL & SIL who have already been living under this arrangement.

How decent of you.

I am curious as to how they can rent it out if it is not in their name. You can’t set up a tenancy agreement if you don’t legally own the property. So OP will rent it out and give them the money- will she pay it into a joint account or pay it solely to her son
…or decide to withhold it if someone is not towing the line.
Also the OPs daughter grassing up the DIL to the OP- this whole family is structured around them and us.

Exactly - there is a VIP area in the family.

I agree with you, its a total gift being able to save for their own home while being under no pressure to pay rent.

I think you're right to be worried but i dont think theres not much you can do?

Just sit on your hands, say nothing and try and let it wash over you.

@practicalorparanoid if your son died would you kick your DIL out on the street? If they had DC would you house them but not your DIL as she isn’t bloodline?

You say you bought them a house and then say they’re living in a house and not having to pay any rent. Which is it?

Also, it’s not really a ‘gift’ as you imply if it’s in your name. It’s a loan.

I don't understand why so many pp are saying that DIL is "vulnerable". She's living rent free in central London and has a great opportunity to save with her husband and make their own investments together. If she had the work ethic.

She sounds like a gold digger to me. Just wants to give up work and sponge off your family.

The problem is, why would he ever bother to save for a deposit? No matter what happens with their relationship he's got this flat for life. She could in theory save up herself and buy somewhere herself eventually since she's not paying rent but guess what, if he leaves her he'd be entitled to half her property as well as keeping the flat his mum bought them (terms of the prenup being anything gained in the marriage is to be shared so even if she's paid for it entirely he'd still get half). Basically there's no way that DIL can properly secure her own financial future. She's taking on a lot of risk.

This sounds like a CH5 drama. Do you look anything like Jill Halfpenny or Sally Lindsay?

She knew what she was signing up for and went ahead.

Sounds like a good situation to be in. I think you’ve been really sensible @practicalorparanoid

Then she shouldn't have gotten married.
Of course any assets she accumulates during the marriage should be shared. As would any assets he accumulates. That has nothing to do with OPs assests. She didn't marry the daughter in law, so she no obligation to spilt her assets with her.

DIL isn't entitled to housing security just because he husband has a rich mom. He only right to security comes from what she and her husband build and earn themselves.

You're doing the right thing OP.

You didn’t buy them a flat, you are letting them live in one of your properties. She’s had to sign a pre-nup and your son’s salary is shit.

As I said earlier I’m thinking bunny in sex and the city

Perhaps she is, but she’s not saying she hopes the next promotion means she can get a cleaner, or that she and her husband are working towards her being able to be a stay at home parent. She’s lamenting that OP isn’t funding her. That doesn’t particularly suggest someone motivated to attain security for themselves.

You haven't bought them a flat if it's in your name. You've acquired a new asset which they have use of currently. You have them over a barrel and she knows it. I'm with your DIL in this one.

Someone in the family having wealth can make other family members incredibly entitled. I married your son, now give me assets!

It’s very easy to spend money you neither have, nor anticipate having. If you’re ever in that position, you are of course free to spend it as you like, same as OP.

Or - OP bought an expensive central London flat they chose, renovated it to their preference, and is now letting them live in it rent free.

If that's being "over a barrel" then sign me up.

She’s taking on the same risk as any woman. It’s absolutely understandable that she wants security - but the onus is on her and her husband to provide that for themselves. They have every opportunity to do so, with a significantly better starting point than most.

If the marriage fails then the DIL will be entitled to half of whatever marital assets they have accumulated. She of course won’t be entitled to assets her in laws have accumulated.

But as the relationship is clearing souring as MIL doesn't feel DIL is grateful enough... what's to stop her chucking her out? It's reliant on goodwill alone! You have more protections as a tenant these days!

They’re both 28. They have every opportunity to build a life together with their own earnings and buy assets together if that’s what they want.
Then why does DIL bringing this exact topic up bother you so much?

Honestly, I'm with DIL in that I think it's weird to be so rich and give "gifts" that come with poison. If I were rich I'd want my kids and their partners to be happy, but hey ho.

But as a tenant you have to pay rent 😂

The relationship seems OK, OP seems like a very decent person to have as a MIL, albeit privately probably a bit pissed off that DIL, who had the benefit of very expensive independent legal advice when deciding to marry and therefore knew exactly what she would or wouldn't get has now formed the view that OP should give her loads more free stuff for reasons which are not entirely clear to me.