To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Another that thinks she’s sensible - although not so sensible that she married a man who is still financially controlled by his mother.

I would hate this - always feeling beholden to someone else. I certainly wouldn’t be having children with him - what protection in marriage does she have if all their marital assets are actually yours?

Why isn’t she taking the opportunity that OP gave her to better the situation for herself then? Why isn’t she working to advance in her career in order to build the security she wants, but is instead looking for OP to just give it to her?

If, ultimately, she is incompatible with her husband, why shouldn’t she walk away with what she walked in with?

Don't you understand? The OP is required to immediately sign over the property to son/DIL and finance DIL to be a SAHM indefinitely because just only them tens of thousands of pounds a year in free accommodation means that the OP is a controlling narcissist. Or something.

I don't think that OP objects to her DIL being a SAHM when she and OP's son have a child. She does object to giving her son and DIL more access to family money which is what DIL has said that she wants, as well as for OP's son to be given shares in the company.

Reading between the lines of what OP has said about her son, he doesn't sound particularly ambitious and is happy to coast in an undemanding job in the family business.

I think that OP's DIL thought that all her Christmas's had come at once when she married OP's son but the reality is that OP is a hard-headed business woman who sees her son's faults and is pretty unmoved by her DIL's expectations of a more lavish lifestyle funded by OP.

Right - nut note that it is her dd who does that.

The dd's husband will keep working outside the home presumably, and will not have the maternal hit to his career, his pension, his future.

The dil would/will.

It is very different if you think about it.

Yes a gift should be seen as you something given and nothing expected in return. The fact she legally secured the gift isn’t a gift. It’s a helping hand. It’s the equivalent of poorer families opening their own home rent free to their kids and spouse. She just has the means to offer this on a major scale

I’m with you OP. Think you have sensibly protected your DC as best you can and have given them a head start most people can only dream of. If your DIL is being grippy just stand firm, you’ll know soon enough if the noise becomes louder what her focus is. Well done to you and your late DH. Sounds like you achieved great success.

They would probably prefer me to donate it all to Shelter to be honest.

The house itself wasn’t the gift. The gift was to be able to live for free anywhere they wanted to, with the freedom to build their own marital assets without having to pay a mortgage or rent.

Her issue isn’t that she’s being treated like a child, it’s that she’s not being treated like one - a fully funded dependent that doesn’t need to provide anything for herself. She has every opportunity to build assets, but she wants to OP to just give them to her.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

Of course he is, he's the one coming from a well off family and he'll be the one benefitting if the marriage goes tits up, even if he's the one who causes it (eg affair). Surely if he genuinely loved his DW, he'd want financial protections in place for her and any future children too?

Whilst part of me admires that you've been so financially savvy, another part feels sorry for the DIL and the position she's been put in.

She didn’t find herself in any position. She quite literally signed up for it. Twice.

YANBU. If she wants her own property and investments she is welcome to do that, and she and your son will be better able to do this as they’re currently mortgage-free/rent -free thanks to you.

Not RTFT but £50k for a marketing job even in London sounds about right to me.

This is exactly it - the SON will be the dil's problem.

He has an entirely different expectation from life.

Not only - as per the OP - he is happy with the set up having witnessed other friends having costly divorces.

I would hassard a guess that he is casual about dil's worries, concerns and desires. And mum pats him on the shoulder for it.

*hassard??? 😂😂😂

I don’t understand this attitude. Her and OP’s son are living rent free in a three bed home in central London. They are in a unique position to start building their marital assets rather than just expecting them to be handed to them on a plate. They could buy a property and rent it out, they could start squirrelling money away for a deposit. Most young people would give an arm and a leg to be able to live in London rent free. The entitlement is astounding.

If that were the case, then him living in it, and being an employee would make it a taxable BIK. So he’d be paying thousands a year to HMRC calculated using the assessed rental value.

You don't know this. The MIL has posted a thread stating this based on one drunken conversation the DIL had with her daughter.

I hope the DIL knows she can't trust her SIL. Actually I hope my daughters wouldn't enter into this kind of arrangement - I certainly would advise them against it. The whole "bloodline" thing is just weird.

You don't know the son's financial planning either, yet you felt free to opine on that as if you do.

Where have we seen anything to suggest the dil isn't doing anything to better her own career? I don't think we even know what job she has, just that she earns less than the son. We don't know whether they're saving all their spare money, or are spending it on posh meals and holidays. All we know is the dil got drunk on a hen do and made a comment she shouldn't have.

And wealth can also make people want more wealth at the risk of being seen as mean.
If I had extensive financial assets and the means to gift funds for a property purchase for my adult child, I would joyfully do so. Whether married or otherwise.

If they have no rent to pay they can save. She can then build up assets and make use of the massive benefit she has been given. ISA’s, rental properties, you name it she could do it.

I agree that most young people would give an arm and a leg for free accommodation.

However, They are in a unique position to start building their marital assets only if they are on the same page.

The son sounds like he is happy enough with things they way they are.

And he should be, as no matter what happens to them as a couple, his future is assured.

The dil is in the opposite position.

So - if she wants them to buy a property and rent it out, they could start squirrelling money away for a deposit - she will have to persuade him!

It really sounds like the dil made a mistake marrying this man - who knows that his wife is vulnerable but agrees with his mother that it is the right thing to do.

This Jane Austin, 2026 style.

OP- you already describe your son as potentially quite unmotivated. The situation that you have created with your gift has nothing in it to motivate him further. I think by giving so much to him alone you have created an unspoken division between him and his wife which is a very negative start to the beginning of any marriage. Secondly say he has no interest in making a second property purchase but his wife decides to financially work her arse off and purchases without him if they split he will take half of that while you continue to house him free of charge.
It would also make me really fearful as the DIL if they were to spilt up with children involved that if your son took 50% of any property she may have bought alone she might then really struggle to house her children as a single parent. Her husband however would still have the FOC 3 bed London flat paid for by you.
It reads to me more as a poisoned chalice for them as a couple.
I think give a gift if you want to without strings but you are in their marriage up to the elbows and it does ring slightly of a power trip for you.
I think that I would find it impossible to be married to a undynamic man where his mother was both his landlord and his boss.

Exactly this. This ‘gift’ isn’t really as generous as it appears as it interferes with the course of their marriage by putting them in very different positions.

The ‘unambitious’ son now has no incentive to save jointly with his wife for a home, as most couples do, because he’s already set for life. So now, if she wants some security, she has to effectively save all her money (some of which she’s saving on rent to be fair) to buy a house in her name. Meanwhile he has all his disposable income for himself. So they’re not starting out like a team, which is how a good marriage usually works.