To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

What is the "poison" in this gift??

They've both got something hugely valuable without having done anything to earn it. Is the "poison" that they could have even more free stuff?

The other kids and their partners are happy. It seems that only one isn’t.

How would giving them the deeds to the flat make the son a hard worker or more ambitious? It wouldn’t and that is who the dil has married. If she wants to be married to a vigorous young go getter who can keep her in the style she wishes to become accustomed to then she needs to get a divorce and find someone new. If she’s happy to be married to a very lucky and very average man who’s happy to bumble along then she’s in a fantastic position. Maybe she can be the vigorous go getter in the partnership and he can be a sahd if she’s so ambitious about her lifestyle. People love spending other people’s money don’t they

I thought this was a parody written by the John and Margaret (@ukboomers) X account!

If your DS gets bored of DIL and has a affair/splits from her where does that leave her??

Poison? You mean letting them live in central London for free, when they would otherwise have to pay to hundreds of thousands of pounds in rent in order to do so? Giving them the freedom upon which to jointly build their own assets without that financial burden?That was the gift, and an incredibly generous one, not the apartment itself.

Making the DIL happy would mean OP fully funding her life. If that’s something you would want to do then more fool you tbh.

In the same position as others in that situation - with a starting point of half the marital assets they’ve managed to build. Why should her husband cheating make her entitled to her MIL’s assets?

Except we don't know she isn't happy. (Nor do we know that the other three ARE happy, only that OP thinks they are). We know, without context, that she once made a comment to her SIL during a drunken hen night. Maybe her SIL was talking about all the things she'd do once she inherited the family business, maybe the SIL was talking about her plans to be a sahm/all the staff she was employing. Who knows. But nothing the OP has said suggests the DIL is particularly unhappy.
She's not actually asked the OP to give them more money/assets, nor complained to the OP about the situation. (As far as we know from the info provided)

I've only read your responses rather than the whole thread but I gather from the tone of them that some people don't share my view!

It sounds to me that you have been incredibly generous and fair to all of your children and they are very fortunate. I hope they appreciate you. You sound like some kind of formidable heroic matriarch who has built up wealth as a result of hard work and an exceptional business brain. You sound fair and balanced to me but also not to be crossed 😂

Parenting goals 🙌

You 'bought' them a flat as a wedding gift but it's in your name? That's not a gift. That's you making an investment and having them take care of your investment free of charge. Do you tell all your friends and family you bought them a flat for a wedding gift? Because that's a pretty inaccurate description.

But others have the incentive to build marital assets together or they'll have nothing. He's got no need to build assets with her because he's got family assets to fall back on. So she'd be left with nothing rather than half of something.

Have them over a barrel?

What has the DIL done that entitles her to joint title of this apartment? What has the son done to entitle him? Nothing. They’re currently living way behind their means, AND have been handed the opportunity to build wealth [not having to pay rent or mortgage] for nothing more than having OP as a mother / MIL. The DIL should be thanking her lucky stars that she got the man she wanted AND the chance to make massive financial gains that people rarely get.

Some people are all too ready to main about what they don’t have, rather than be grateful for what they do have.

Still not sure why that means OP is responsible for funding her.

OP has hardly handed him everything on a plate to fall back on. Right now he’s comfortable in a job on £50k. He may or may not strive for more, but the same could apply if he didn’t have family money. They could be in exactly the same position but in a worse location and with less disposable income.

If she wants her husband to build assets with her (and not just for her) then she needs to take that up with him, not her MIL.

With all the money she saved by not having to pay rent for years.

She bought it for them to live in, thus saving them the money they would have had to spend on housing. The gift isn’t the flat, it’s the opportunity she’s given them to build, in a prime location, without the burden of paying either rent or a mortgage.

It's true, but I suppose for me the 'gift: has massively benefited her son (security for life for him) and whilst it's great for her if they are together (who doesn't want free accommodation) it's very bad for her in the event of a split. MIL doesn't have to, and shouldn't fund her, but MIL also doesn't have to insert herself into the marriage in a way that negatively affects her long term security. If the flat had been given freely to both in their names, or given them nothing at all they would be starting off their marriage on an equal footing.

You only have to see the multiple references to keeping things in the family, and in the bloodline to see that MIL does not view DIL as a member of the family. That's just plain sad, no wonder DIL is keeping her future in mind.

A business which has funded the purchase of 3 extra properties one being in central London. Thats not from a small family run shop

Did you not read the original post where it says she’s questioning why her husband doesn’t have shares in the business and if they could access the cash from the business then the cleaner could come over more than once a week?

How much does a three bedroom flat in London cost to rent? Imagine op is handing dil £1000s every month to pay her rent. It sounds like dil help choose the flat - I’m sure she didn’t go for something in her actual price range that her and her dh could afford themselves off their own backs.

Mn was calling a 12 year old a spoilt princess for wanting to go to a seafood restaurant for her birthday the other day but a 28yo dil who isn’t being given a million pound property and is only living in it rent free for as long as she likes is some poor soul who is being shafted apparently.

All of which is completely standard in wealthy families. Is the DIL family in the same way OP’s own children are? Of course not. She’s family because of the relationship she has with their son, and would cease to the family in the event of a divorce. My own parents and in laws did the same, and neither my husband nor I find it ‘sad’, but basic financial sense.

OP hasn’t inserted herself into the marriage, and she’s not preventing them from building long term security. She’s given them a huge opportunity to do that for themselves, from a starting point most will never have. She doesn’t seem interested in building that for herself though, she wants OP to just give it to her. For what? Marrying OP’s son?

She’s managed her own assets in the way that benefits her children and their partners, without risking them being lost in divorce. The DIL was fully aware this was the case when she agreed to the prenup, signed the prenup, and married OP’s son. She knew this when they agreed to OP providing them a home, and chose the location and the flat itself. If she wants security and assets then it’s up to her and her husband to build them.

She's living in a house belonging to her MIL. She's supposed to just live on the streets??

Yes sure, she can take out a mortgage and buy an investment property , rent it out and make an income from that. Having her main residence rent free is a privilege most people will never get to enjoy

Weird.

"My responsibility is to protect assets that have been built up for future generations." You what? How about "my responsibility is to raise my children well and give them the best life I can give them". How can your son be happy when you create a structure where his wife cannot?

It sounds like a ridiculous setup. "Gifted them a flat". BS.

You didn't buy them a gift of a flat.

You bought a flat and you let them live in it.

Gosh you've organised this to keep everyone under your control havent you.

Planning sounds sensible.

Wage may be a little low if he is head of marketing/depending on experience.