To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

@Newbutoldfatheragree

The conversation was about what if son cheats and she got nothing. So if she cheats she should get half of the flat and shares in the company?

So what you have really done is given them an increased monthly income. Why not just do that by paying him extra salary so your son has control of his future?

I would fathom a guess because the investment in a properties over the years is quite a money spinner for 'the family' pot. At some point your son needs you to act like a mother, not just a business advisor. He has a wife and possibly future children to consider. Not all relationships are the same.

So other DIL and a SIL have been in similar situations and got on with building their own wealth and marital assets? That does suggest the new DIL is not fully understanding the situation and why it is set up as it is. Perhaps the other married ins can give her their views on it all and how the wealth is yours (for now) but living rent free is a huge benefit.

@Tessasandersongreat idea, I’d be fully supportive of that. They both want to live in central London so that’s why they chose this property, but could have easily chosen somewhere more rentable or even 2 little flats that are easier to rent out.

She's right. You need to make the at theirs with no caveats. He should have shares in the business and an accurate salary. They are married. She's his partner. Currently you are the one keeping everything.

Why was there a pre-nup then?
Who knows but she wasn't forced to sign it or marry.

Well exactly. So he is protecting his assets whilst being more than happy to take half of any future assets she has. And shes the gold digger?! What a joke.

At some point your son needs you to act like a mother, not just a business advisor. He has a wife and possibly future children to consider. Not all relationships are the same
Well that's him isn't it? He can say no to everything OP is offering just as his wife couldn't have said no. Why didn't they? It's very easy 'thanks mum and MIL, it's a very generous gift, but we need to make our own way in life as adults do, we have to consider our children to be and do right by them'....oh but wait....

Well exactly. So he is protecting his assets whilst being more than happy to take half of any future assets she has. And shes the gold digger?! What a joke
You're jumping a bit far here, we have no idea what the prenup states...

They are better off but they are not being gifted any property - the OP owns an extensive property portfolio - all in her/the businesses name - that she lets her children and partners live in for free or if they chose rent it out and keep the rent.
Ultimately though their free residence/rental income is only at the whim of mother in law and she can reclaim the property at any time she wishes.
Who's idea was the "pre-nup"?

The thing is, you are right, they could save and buy their own place where should would have equity and get some security but where is your son's incentive to do so? He'll presumably be allowed the flat rent ftw regardless of what happens with the marriage so he has nothing to gain by giving up lifestyle now in order to save. If they split she'll be left worse off than if they just rented and eventually bought a property together like normal couples.

I agree with your DIL - your 'gift' has robbed her of long term security

@practicalorparanoid ,

I don’t know what your son would command as a salary on the open market but, if he is educated and hard working, it seems low to me for Central London.

If he is, say, worth £80k or more, you are effectively giving with one hand and taking with the other. I know you probably think that leaving money in the business is building up family wealth, which he will inherit anyway, but that doesn’t help your DIL and goes against you saying that you are giving them an opportunity to save for their own security.

The property is likely worth £500k or more. A share of the business could be the same value. They just got married. Do you think the DIL should get to take 50% of £1m if they divorce in a couple of years?

Gifts of property and shares can be made at any point in the future. Time for DIL (and her DH) to get stuck into working hard to build up their own marital assets and show they have the right work ethic and financial acumen to be trusted with the high value assets they will one day be gifted / inherit.

No more of a jump than you've made, is it?

OP certainly isn't keen to tell us what it covered or why she's so involved that she breached her DiLs privacy and found out her salary.

Tbh I wouldn't marry into a situation like this but your DIL chose to, I think she is being a little gold digger-ish. You were up front about everything, she could have married any other bloke but she chose your son.

I think your son might need to carve out his own future and maybe come back to the business when he's older and has more real world experience, i dont think the boss' child should receive above market salary just because, if he/they want more money they need to bulldog it together

I would be uncomfortable as the DIL in this situation.

For anyone who doesn’t live in/around London and who thinks £50k is a decent wage:

I was 28 years old, 25 YEARS ago and earned £60k living in London. And I was only able to buy a shithole of a flat after a couple of years of saving, and house prices were a third (or less) of what they are now.

Whilst living rent free is very lucky, if OP had gifted a deposit for the couple instead as a wedding gift, they could have potentially got on the housing ladder themselves and pay a £2-3k mortgage a month, instead of trying to save a similar amount and it still taking them years to get anywhere near deposit level money (& house prices potentially going up in the meantime).

I think you offered the wrong type of support; what you “gave” left the couple dependant on you, rather than enabling them to begin an independent life together.

It’s all quite controlling, keeping your son on a low salary but supplementing by free rent to ensure you’re still the one in charge.

If I was him I would be looking for a job on the open market!

I don’t know why you think she’s a gold digger when he has no assets as only earns slightly over the median London salary. It sounds like they’re just considering how they can build a life for themselves.
If I was her I wouldn’t be planning children or to live long term in a property owned by my MIL.

I agree with your DIL - your 'gift' has robbed her of long term security
This is hilarious 😂 😂 Her hands are tight now, and she is doomed in her 20s without children yet, to never own anything!

Why she can't build her own security seems a bit of a mystery? Can you enlight us?

Saying all this OP, why was there a prenup if he has no assets at this point? What did the prenup state?

But its really an investment for you?

I'm sure that OP would be OK with that because she has a similar situation with her own daughter. Her daughter was given the same arrangement as her son and DIL, i.e. a house, owned by OP, who charged her no rent. The daughter and her husband then bought their own house and OP's daughter now rents out the original house and uses the money to fund her being a SAHM.

They don’t pay any housing costs - so they can buy a property elsewhere. I think your set up makes sense especially when you consider most relationships fail! Don’t change it and encourage them to use the money they are saving to buy another property.

Out of curiosity OP, if they were to remain married for say 25 years, would you consider transferring the deeds to him or them both?

Why should he have shares in the business? I disagree- it’s a nice to have, but it’s not his right.

I think you have been incredibly fair and very generous OP! I know when I left home my mortgage virtually crippled us!.

I just don't understand why they are saying they can't afford to hire more help if needed. The DIL is obv working as she has said she wants to be a SAHM so she can't be already, but if he earns £50k and she earns less, let's say half, that is a household income of £75k a year. They are only having to pay out household bills as no mortgage or rent to cover, so how can they be short to make the cleaner twice a week or whatever she is thinking?? I mean unless she is hoping for a full time Butler then in which case she should give her head a wobble and come back down to earth!!