To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Why were you involved in the pre nup discussions, to the point where you know what she disclosed? I'm not familiar with prenups, but I would have assumed it was something between him and her, not him, her and you?

I think you’ve been incredibly generous OP and absolutely wouldn’t change anything.

@practicalorparanoid do you think you are Logan Roy?

Is this another one of those pretend threads done by a young student for research reasons like the recent one about the woman who wanted to change to private school cos of over weight vaping mums at the school gates

I agree.
Buying them a flat ‘so they don’t need to worry about housing’ then telling them to save for their own place is not gifting them a joint asset.
I had a friend marry into such a family. Not for money.
The parents divorced and took the business and joint assets between them to buy a property each, ditched the business and the son was treated like any other salaried employee.
In the DIL’s position I would also be concerned about all income and property being tied to a single business too.

I'm a bit worried for your DIL. She is likely worried about the future and being pressured into being a SAHM ('you don't need much money, you don't have a mortgage to pay!), then finding herself absolutely screwed in the event of a divorce, not only walking away with nothing, but having no earning potential.

Buying them a flat ‘so they don’t need to worry about housing’ then telling them to save for their own place is not gifting them a joint asset
What planet are you on? Most young people have to pay rent AND save towards a deposit. These lucky young people only have to save. They should be able to save for a deposit three times quicker.

How is that not a gift?

A 3 bedroom rent free property in central London is an effective after tax salary of between 3 and 4 thousand pounds per month. So in addition to his £50000 salary he's getting £36-48000 per year. Plus whatever his wife earns. Suddenly not quite such a bad income for a 28 year old.

*I'm a bit worried for your DIL. She is likely worried about the future and being pressured into being a SAHM
Not from what she told OP's daughter.

She doesn't sound like a gold digger, she sounds rightfully wary about her set up and vunerability. Her current living arrangements are entirely based upon your goodwill - I would not want to start a family in these circumstances.

You haven't said what her salary is, but your son's salary of £50K does not go far in London. Perhaps she would like to save for a house deposit, but your son isn't interested given that they would not be able to afford to the same standard of living if they were paying a mortgage?

As other posters have said, if they were to split up, she would walk away with nothing, whilst your son's lifestyle remains unchanged.

Perhaps she would like to save for a house deposit, but your son isn't interested given that they would not be able to afford to the same standard of living if they were paying a mortgage?
Then she shouldn't have married him! Nobody forced her to!

I think in many ways you have been very fair. They are living rent free in your property so it’s unfair to say you bought them a flat when it isn’t theirs. I still think it’s an extremely generous thing to do because as you say, it allows them to save for a deposit on their own home if they so wish or they could just stay there for free forever by the sound of things. Many would dream of this, especially in London.

I also respect you for paying him the correct amount for his experience and role rather than inflating his wage purely because he’s your son. That’s also very fair.

I don’t think your DIL is a gold digger. I think perhaps she’s aware you think this though hence the prenup and the fact you’re their landlord rather than letting them own the home. It must be upsetting for her.

@practicalorparanoid did you force the pre-nup and what are the conditions?

So she saves up for a deposit with the son like we all have to do and is ten times easier for her as he pays zero rent.

She should be asking those questions of her husband not her MIL.
She doesnt have to accept to live in the flat rent free, her husband doesnt have to work for the company. They are adults capable of making their own decisions, if they are not happy with the arrangement on offer, sort yourself out with something different.

@Faceonthewrongfoot
I wasn’t involved in negotiating it, but of course I knew what was in it. The prenup primarily dealt with family assets, so it would have been impossible for me not to be aware of the broad terms. I’ve also got considerably more experience than my son when it comes to estate planning, asset protection and these sorts of legal arrangements, so naturally he asked for my advice. I’d have thought most parents in my position would. The actual negotiations and independent legal advice were between them and their respective solicitors.
It is customary to disclose salary in a pre nup and of course I have read theirs!

Why? The property and assets are the ops. She is giving them a rent free life, she doesn’t have to hand over her wealth to the next generation while she’s still about!

So she is married without any assets of a marriage and no financial security? I wouldn't be happy either why was the gift of a house not a gift to them ? Very odd

What happens if they pay for any improvements in the property, would DIL get any reflection for that if she and DH were to divorce

@sittingonabeach
I didn’t insist on a prenup. All 3 of my married children chose to have one with their spouses. In our family it’s simply regarded as sensible financial planning.
To me, it’s no different from making a will. If you don’t make a will, the law decides what happens to your estate. If you don’t make your own arrangements before marriage, the law provides a default framework for what happens in a divorce.

What family assets? They were clearly HIS assets. Why are you being so coy about it? And no, having more experience doesn't give you a right to breach her privacy.

OP - why not transfer the flat into their names? And why is your son on such a low salary at 28? All this makes no sense and it's odd.

@sittingonabeach
if the property ever needs work doing, I pay for it. When they first moved in they wanted to alter the layout of the living room, so I paid for the building work. If it needs a new roof in ten years, I’ll pay for that too.
Partly that’s because I can afford to and I want them to enjoy living there. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t also because I don’t want there to be any argument later that she’d acquired an interest in the property through paying for improvements. It’s cleaner for everyone if I simply cover those costs myself.

It’s a difficult one.

Compared to most people they are extremely well off and a 3 bed rent-free house in central London is an extremely generous gift.

But, relative wealth is a thing, and he is much wealthier than his wife. She really could not afford to be a SAHM, especially looking long term, with the current set up.

There’s a lot it depends on: what he has given up to work in the business (massive difference if he is unqualified or has a fantastic degree and huge earning power), what her qualifications are, family expectations around SAHPs and what lifestyle he has been brought up to expect.

Unless she has a very good job, I think it will be tough to live in London and save a lot, even without rent.

@practicalorparanoid you are obviously very wealthy, is there a reason you don’t give your DC the properties? What happens if your youngest doesn’t get married?