To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

I’m curious about

• is 50K a fair salary for your son’s work?
• whats the plan for the business in future? Do you intend to hand it over to him (other kids?).
• who pays running and maintenance costs for the flat? I’d hope the wife isn’t expected to pay for plumbers, painters, etc as she won’t have any equity at all so it’s just sunk costs
• did you put effort and time into the business or did you inherit it from your husband? You seem so possessive over it

Money is complicated (luckily my family doesn’t have any so we didn’t have to worry about all this!) and I don’t think you’re necessarily wrong to be cautious. But I am struggling to see what your end game is here. If it’s to have a thriving family owned business with your son in charge and his children after him, this is an odd way to achieve that. You are not making either your son or his wife part of it in a real way and treating them both with an awful lot of distrust and I don’t know why from your posts.

My husband will potentially inherit a decent amount from his parents (no promises of course as who knows what the future holds). But as his wife and mother of his children, it’s all just part of the family. Their will leaves it to my son and our kids - if he dies first, it comes to me then the kids. If the kids are still little he’s the executor, then me, then their part goes to them. It’s not protected from me like I’m some sort of hanger on in the family - we are all one group.

It's amazing how so many mners sees marriage as the path to family money and how the man should already be supporting his wife financially even when they are not children yet.

How about she becomes self sufficient on her own accord? Living rent free in a beautiful home that can be decorated as one wish and not having to worry about being evicted from is a massive privilege. Who is she to think she should have her name on this house?
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OP has to respect her as her DIL. She doesn't owe her to be supported for the rest of her life. Considering 50% of marriage end up in divorce, good on OP to ensure she doesn't decide to make an exit the moment she decides he isn't worth her any longer and scupper OPs money.

Yes, she does come across that she sees OP' money as hers by marriage already. Continue to protect your assets OP.

I'm not ready to call her a gold digger. But I'm wondering if she is now realising the situation. The housing thing is generous and understandably very attractive to them. You say that they can buy their own house, he can get a new job etc. But he proobaly doesn't want to and also let's not pretend that leaving a family busienss is the same as leaving any job. He is propably very comfortable and he has zero risks. She is realising that she won't own anything and in case of divorce she will be fucked. She should be encouraged to see a financial planner so she can take full advantage of the free housing and build her own investment portfolio or buy a rental property etc. So she will be set and not have to worry about the future. From personal projections I feel like she didn't really think this though before marriage.

How do you know what’s been says between your son and daughter in law? How do you know about her concerns?

I'm on your side, OP.

I assume £50K is what you'd pay anyone else doing that job. At that salary nobody would expect shares as well. It's your business, not his.

It's clear you're not too keen on his wife - that's not unusual. Why would you, if that's the case, give him anything permanent which would be split if they divorced?

They are living rent-free in a place they've chosen. That's an amazing gift. They have both salaries now to save and get onto the housing ladder. I don't understand how she can't see that.

Why should it be your job to enable her to be a SAHM? That's up to her husband and he doesn't earn enough for that.

It sounds to me as though she had £££ in her eyes when she got together with him and thought she'd never have to worry about money again. Well, real life isn't like that!

50k in London WITH housing costs isn’t a great salary but with no housing costs it’s plenty!!

They could actually invest all of her money and live off the £50,000 given there's no rent or mortgage to pay.

I am confused by the 50k isn’t a comfortable salary comments because when a family posts they have 100k income and it doesn’t go far they are usually lambasted. This couple don’t have any housing costs!

If she gives up her career, independence, time etc for your grandchildren, she should have more than a key to a flat you own
Why oh why? Considering someone family doesn't mean sharing your money with them! Should millionaires fund all their nieces nephews and their partners housing? Where does it end.

Most importantly, why assume that rich parents will find your lifestyle? He didn't own a property when she married him so why thinking now that they should?

They need to stop relying on mum and dad and get on their own two feet. They are free to move out and say they'll house themselves....oh wait, they love to be staying in a beautiful home rent free.

So your husband, not you, built the business? How does that make you any more the bloodline than the DIL?

She wants to be able to plan a life for herself where they own property and assets as a couple and she can comfortably raise her kids at home without feeling like MIL may ripthe rug out from under her if she pisses her off.

My in laws bought us our property and I signed a prenup. Everything is in my husbands name. And I get 30% in the event of a split. Because I am his wife not some woman birthing his children and supporting his life as a favour.

Why even get her to sign a prenup when he doesn’t own anything in his name?

She should be encouraged to see a financial planner so she can take full advantage of the free housing and build her own investment portfolio or buy a rental property etc
Exactly that but it sounds age wants her cake and eat it, the beautiful house, being a sahm, the nice lifestyle AND some ownership of the family money....

And if you wrote a post expressing disappointment with how little childcare your parents/inlaws have helped with you are entitled. But on this thread the OP should be facilitating her DIL to be a SAHM!

My in laws bought us our property and I signed a prenup
And you could have said no thank you, we'll buy our house from our own funds just like OPs son and wife can do, but of course, that's not an option for women who marry where money was a motivator for the marriage.

Perhaps because the OP said the business could pay him more.

Well yes… she’s his WIFE. What’s the point of marriage if you want to remain separate entities and families? Might as well not bother

I could. And I didn’t because the prenup was fair. Sounds like DILs might not be.

Perhaps because the OP said the business could pay him more
My boss could pay me more too but he doesn't think my experience and skills are worth more. Why should it be different because the boss is family?

Not a single chance I'd have kids in this situation - why should all the risks be on her? You clearly expect her to produce grandchildren for you whilst not treating her like a member of your family, just the broodmare is she? What does that make you? A DNA digger?

I could. And I didn’t because the prenup was fair. Sounds like DILs might not be
Haha, fair is in the eye of the beholder!

YANBU OP. They have no mortgage so can afford to save up a deposit on a property that they can own themselves while having a secure home and a job.

Presumably your DIL works so as DINKs they should have a very nice lifestyle.

I don’t think it helps young people to have loads of unearned wealth, it creates ennui.

Highlighting this, in the hope OP answers it.

why should all the risks be on her?
What risk? The risk not to get money she's never earned?

What if OP died tomorrow and left all her fortune to the car charity? Or the business collapsed and OP ends up they end up in debts?

Why assuming that the moment you marry in wealth, you should be expected to be financially looked after?

It IS gold digger attitude!

A few people have asked whether I’ve done the same for my other children. Yes, I have. I’ve got four children altogether and this has always been my approach, it isn’t something I’ve suddenly come up with because of this DIL.

My DD (whom I have mentioned here, the one who is DIL’s friend) was also given a property. It’s still legally in my name, but she and her DH later bought a home together in both their names and now live there - they chose to move closer to me so that I could help with childcare. The property I bought is rented out and every penny of the rental income goes to DD’s bank account. She’s now a SAHM, which is what she wanted.

My other DS actually started his career elsewhere and only joined the family business later when a role came up that he was genuinely interested in. He and his DW still live in the property I bought for them, but instead of buying another house they’ve invested their money elsewhere, which was entirely their choice.

Youngest DD isn’t married yet, so we’ll see what happens when the time comes, but my intention has always been to treat all of my children broadly the same. Help them get a huge head start in life, but keep the underlying family assets protected. That’s been the plan for years, regardless of who they married.

This is all actually quite sinister, made more so by the OP’s apparent lack of awareness of the mess she is creating.
How sad.

They could afford to pay more but it doesn’t mean that he’s worthy of the salary. She has also said he’s paid fairly for what he does.