To think therapy is for the benefit of others

[Soggybogdog]

I've become increasingly suspicious that therapy and counselling is primarily for the benefit of the people around the bereaved or anxious or struggling person rather than the person themselves. It doesn't seem to help the person going to therapy, but it means they talk to the therapist more than the people around them. They don't intrinsically feel better about the situation.
I think the only way it helps is that it lessens people's perception that they are a "fun sponge". It's a way for everyone else to not have to listen to worries and upset. The person in therapy feels the same but has spoken into a therapy void rather than weighed everyone else down.

As someone who volunteers for a mental health charity, I couldn’t disagree more.

Harsh but probably correct.

Your family and friends may love you and care for you hugely, but they cannot absorb or handle everything, and it's not fair to expect them to do so.

If therapy isn't helping the patient, the therapist is not a good match (or they are not very good) and you should find one who is a good fit.

As someone whose believes in therapy and have had it myself, I couldn’t disagree more.

Dh has also had therapy due to an abusive childhood and it’s had a massively positive effect on his mental health.

No not at all, and it doesn't necessarily reduce the pressure on family. Sometimes the person in therapy speaks out for the first time and causes ructions.

I know lots of people who have done therapy, and have done it myself, and thats not my experience at all.
However its worth remember that personality, outlook, life experience and attitudes of people around them, all impact someone's experience of therapy.

That's a whole load of bullshit.

I'm not sure I agree.

But I do think it's a massive money making opportunity and it's become so popular, that lots of people were aghast when my husband died and I said I didn't need therapy.

His body was hardly cold when people were offering me contact details like it was par for the course.

You are being unreasonable.

I suffered depression for well over a decade and had a very poor quality of life. I had a year of therapy and I've mentally well since then despite some horrific things happening to me - including being widowed. I feel appropriately sad and feel grief but I'm not mentally unwell anymore.

Therapy isn't easy or an instant cure, but the right type of therapy for your personal issues can do wonders and turn your life around. But it's hard work and you may need to try a few types/therapists.

I do think counseling is utter bollocks though. Just venting about your problems to an untrained person doesn't help for actual mental illness. It might help if you are a mentally well person who is just having a rough time but not as an actual treatment.

I do think a lot of people get cousling and therapy mixed up though and assume it's all just crying about your childhood with a big box of tissues.

I disagree, OP.

After losing my beloved baby brother in a freak sporting accident, DH in particular was ace. However he does not have the toolkit of my grief therapist. It took the love of the one and the skill of the other to make me able to face life again.

Yabu.
people often feel very different after some therapy. They can unravel and process difficult experiences, see patterns of behaviour, set boundaries, and achieve goals.

Well, yes, to some extent. I go to therapy so that I have an outlet that is not my DH (or any other family/friends). It’s a safe space to talk over issues or concerns and means that I can focus on being a better version of myself with them. Would I go if I wasn’t in a relationship or had a child? Maybe not but, as someone with very tricky mental health issues, it’s important to me that I do everything I can to keep myself healthy for them.

I guess it benefited my family and friends because I didn't kill myself. But ultimately the biggest benefit was to me!

I have found therapy hugely helpful for myself. It has calmed obsessive thought patterns and taught me a lot about how my brain works and what can help and hinder.

That being said, it would also be a huge benefit to me if my mother would go.

This.

If you mean that family and friends should play the unpaid therapist role then YABU.

Or do you mean that family and friends benefit because therapy means you are expected to become mentally strong and shoulder more than your fair share of responsibility?

I'm gonna push back slightly and say, while I agree that therapy is positive and I'm not anti it at all, I'm slightly confused when you say that counselling isn't. Because counselling, in my mind, comes under the umbrella term for therapy. I think perhaps this is where I'm slightly confused, because there's some sorts of counselling which are therapy. For example, acceptance and commitment or psychodynamic, they're all counselling. And there's a lot of accredited counsellors.

It's more that without therapy, friends and family do end up being untrained therapists, and as time goes on are increasingly resentful of that role and start to distance themselves or get a bit short when emotive topics are repeated. But with therapy, all that changes is that the person talks to someone who knows after a set time period that person will leave so they have the energy to engage more. I'm not convinced it's the actual therapy that makes any difference - just that everyone around the person suffers from less emotional fatigue and that stability makes it seem like the therapy is working to the person who is going each week.

I think friends and family can be exhausted by things, that's fair and not a reflection of them, but also they aren't always best placed to help you professionally because emotionally they're invested. I think you're perhaps underestimating the training therapists/counsellors do too.

Therapy, and lots of it, improved my quality of life massively. A by-product of me being more happy and stable is improved relationships with my nearest and dearest. Most people aren't equipped to care for someone with severe MH problems, just like they aren't usually equipped to treat physical illness. And why should anyone be expected to absorb all the emotional and psychological impact of someone that ill?

I totally disagree. Therapy has completely change my understanding of the world around me and made it much easier for me to cope with.

Even at a basic level, it allows people to explore thoughts/situations/worries they don’t want to share with people they know and are close to.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk through something and understand it better with someone who is neutral. Not backing you up, not bringing you down, just disinterested.

I see. I think that therapy can feel pointless sometimes but it can have an effect without you even realising it.

I remember my CBT counselling many years ago after a relationship break down and the counsellor suggested that I write down in a letter everything I wanted to say to my ex that I hadn't felt able to say and then burn it. It sounded so silly but actually I do still remember that moment of walking to the park and burning the letter by the lake as a good moment. It didn't feel important at the time but it did help, in hindsight.

Similarly the counsellor saying my ex may be completely different with the next woman he was in a relationship with was sobering and not what I wanted to hear but did make me think.

Therapy can also validate abusive behaviour. I have seen an abuser present himself as the victim to his therapist, who was so manipulated by him that she essentially validated his abusive behaviour.

I disagree somewhat. I think a lot depends on the therapist.
had CBT twice for anxiety and depression following a physical health diagnosis via NHS IAPT. First experience was okay but not great.
More recently I had a great therapist I really gelled with and I found it extremely helpful.
I do think there are some poorly trained therapists out there, and some charlatans in private practice ( as well as some good ones!).

Having seen someone close to me lose years to depression, having therapy and thriving again, I couldn’t disagree more. He had to work very hard at it though, and he had to be something he really wanted to do and he had to believe in it. He also paid privately, NHS therapy was a sticking plaster on a cut when underneath the leg was broken.

This. 👍