To think therapy is for the benefit of others

[Soggybogdog]

I've become increasingly suspicious that therapy and counselling is primarily for the benefit of the people around the bereaved or anxious or struggling person rather than the person themselves. It doesn't seem to help the person going to therapy, but it means they talk to the therapist more than the people around them. They don't intrinsically feel better about the situation.
I think the only way it helps is that it lessens people's perception that they are a "fun sponge". It's a way for everyone else to not have to listen to worries and upset. The person in therapy feels the same but has spoken into a therapy void rather than weighed everyone else down.

When my mum died I was told by the world and it's dog that I should see a therapist as I wasn't "grieving properly", so I went to get them off my back...absolute waste of time and £. Still it made everyone else feel better.

So IME YANBU OP

What are you basing this on?

If you feel that way about therapy you are receiving, you need to change therapists!

I could not disagree more.

The underlying premise of your idea is that your friends and family should carry your emotional burdens. What do they do with their own emotional burdens at these times?

People can have to carry a lot in life, the loads may not be even but adults cannot be expected to take over another adult’s emotional burdens on top of their own. That would lead to a lot of overloading.

I am a very empathetic person and also I had a horrendous period of pain and grief in my life. I am willing to support other people but like everyone else my capacity is limited. I found therapy a godsend but also a lot of hard work and I would definitely recommend therapy to others who were struggling.

Not all therapy is privately funded. I am receiving EMDR trauma based therapy via talking therapies on the NHS. I might be easier to live with as a result but the focus is on my well being and recovery rather than the benefit of others.

Therapy is with a physiotherapist, a licenced and trained person who is there to help you learn techniques to deal with your mental health.

Counselling is not a protected title and the person you are talking to isn't a trained professional. Anyone can just start offering counselling services. It's usually used more as a place to vent and get basic advice (which can be helpful if you are in a stressful situation or bereaved) but it's not a treatment for mental illness.

There is some cross-over with some therapists offering counselling services but I've seen some real harm done to people who were very mentally unwell and needed real help (and thought they were getting it) but it was just the random thoughts of joe bloggs down the street.

You'd be surprised OP. It's often the opposite. Family and friends often end up unhappy that the person has gone to therapy. If they've been getting certain benefits from them for years, perhaps they're a people pleaser that always does stuff for them or lets things slide to keep the peace, therapy can mean somebody finds their backbone and start advocating for themselves. Which people in their circle might not like.

It's something people are often warned about when they begin therapy. That therapy can have a range of impacts on the person's life, and to be aware of that.

Ultimately certain modalities are in the NICE guidance for a reason, because they're proven to work for a lot of people. Does therapy help everyone? No. Does any treatment work 100% of the time? No. Is every therapist good at their job? No. Are most of them decent enough to effect positive change? Probably. But when therapy is done well, the right therapy at the right time with the right client, it can be life changing.

I don’t agree with you, but sometimes it can take a while to find a therapist that is the right fit for you. Then it can work wonders.

@Soggybogdog could it be that the positive effect in family members is a result of being pleased someone is trying to help themselves rather than just relief that they’re not going to have to listen anymore?

I always ask people what their goal is (what they want, not what they want to stop doing). If they say they’re attending because others have told them to or to please others then that’s a problem and if, after a conversation it was clear it’s not their choice or their goal then I wouldn’t see them.

Often when I see clients for problems such as OCD their families are involved anyway, at a psycho-educational level, because often the family’s understandable attempts to soothe anxiety contribute to keeping it going and so there is some training for them about responding differently. So therapy with me may not offer families total respite from the client’s problems.

Therapy shouldn’t just be just another audience for repeating the same things and staying in the same tangle. I’d be frequently reviewing progress with the client and challenging them on their perspective and approach to their difficulties.

it sounds like you’re speaking from a very personal perspective? I think you’re right that it can be really difficult for loved ones to manage someone who has MH struggles. It can feel relentless and if the person is someone you love and care about it’s upsetting and impossible to have the neutral role a therapist can have. I think you are also right that there are other factors at play. It isn’t just the type of therapy or the skills and competence of the therapist (though that’s obviously very important) but also the therapeutic relationship, the collaborative understanding and much more besides.

If therapy is just an audience to repeat the same thinking, beliefs, attitudes without actually changing anything then it’s a waste of time, therapy is only working if the client can report some tangible improvements in their life over the course of sessions (not just insight). Having more helpful communication with their family might be one worthwhile improvement, it wouldn’t necessarily be a false positive.

Therapy certainly isn’t a magic bullet and it’s a minefield finding the right therapist in private practice but I’m not sure your generalisation about what’s going on in therapy sessions actually holds up.

Family and friends are untrained and possibly not best placed to provide guidance, but family / friends who are getting tired of you because you've had a bereavement are not worthwhile. Real friends (and family worth having) are there for the rough times and the smooth. Anyone who expects you to be "fun" or "over it" in a prescribed period of time is lucky enough never to have encountered real grief.

Have you had therapy OP?
I dunno, I mean I stopped feeling suicidal because of therapy, I suppose it wasn't much benefit to me...

But if the end effect is positive and the person having therapy thinks it's working does it matter if the therapist is really just enabling the friends are family to just be friends and family ? I don't see what your issue is here.

Totally disagree
Therapy helped me massively
It’s good that the knock on effect of it helping me helped my family and relationships. It can do the opposite.

As a therapist I would agree that the people around you will benefit if you are happier, calmer, less anxious or free from fear. That's a secondary gain.

Interesting post. I've unfortunately met some therapists who genuinely believe that as long as they are present, empathetic, and listening, that is all that is needed for therapy to be effective and beneficial. It's a lazy approach as it requires very little from the therapist. And as you say, it can end up with the client simply repeating the same stuff to another audience. Unless it leads to tangible change, then although that one hour may leave someone feeling heard and supported, it's not really going to lead to any other improvements for them. And any benefit will cease once the therapy comes to an end.

There are many therapists that are unethical, happy to take people's money so they attend each week to vent while the therapist sits and does nothing but listen.

Good therapy imo is proactive, the therapist plays just as much of a part as the client. There are agreed, shared goals, often a treatment plan, tangible ways of measuring whether things are getting better or worse. People often knock the therapy the NHS offers but at least it actually prioritises forward momentum and change.

Decent therapists want to make themselves not needed any longer, rather than building a dependence on them.

All therapies?

It sounds like you have had a hard time and I’m sorry if you feel unsupported.
Personally, CBT and EMDR saved my life. I wouldn’t be here today without it.

Disagree.
Helpful for me.
Life changing for my DD.

I agree with the title of your post, but not the content.

Good therapy is not a black pit where you spew all your sadness so you don't whine about it to your friends and family. If that's what you think therapy is, you (or your loved one) has a piss poor therapist. There are lots of barely qualified people claiming to be mental health professionals who lack appropriate training, experience, their own therapy and any ongoing supervision. These people just aren't competent.

Good therapy helps the person with the mental health difficulty. It also helps everyone around them have a slightly easier life because they don't have to bend themselves around one person's illness. Either through supporting them or conforming to the restrictions, expectations and rules the illness engenders. The most important "other" that therapy helps is the ill person's (future) children. The impact on a child being raised by a mentally ill parent is huge. More so, if that illness isn't recognised as being an illness - a person with EUPD thinking everyone else is the problem is awful to live with. Then you have older teenage and adult children still feeling forced to accommodate the illness, all the guilt and resentment they feel. These boards are full of people coping with the fallout of parents - mostly mothers and MILs with anxiety, personality disorders, narcissistism. If those people had therapy before they had kids, imagine the benefits to the next generation.

Strong disagree but you have to have the right therapist and the right therapy.

It’s a case of picking the best tool for a job. Friends and family might be a okay tool - but they aren’t necessarily the right one. They do the best job they can, but it’s not going to get the job done as well as the proper tool would.

If you need to tighten a screw, and you use a kitchen knife because that’s what’s to hand - yes, you’ll be able to tighten the screw a bit, but it doesn’t last because it’s not designed for the job, and you might even break the knife because you’re asking something of it that it’s not designed for. Go get a decent screwdriver that’s the right size? Yep, that will do the job. the screw will stay tight, and the screwdriver is just fine.

Counsellors offer a safe, predictable and judgement free space to talk.

Families always have an agenda (for good and sometimes bad reasons).

If it's a good therapist, no. It's true therapy can do more harm than good sometimes, but it shouldn't. It should benefit the person and ultimately those around them.

YABU
Therapy saved my life (I did DBT).

Completely disagree. Families rarely have the ability or the knowledge to help. They can only really be a sounding board and can often make your situation worse as they’re dealing with their own feelings on your situation.
A good therapist will help you unpick your challenges and give you the tools to work through them yourself. They can be time limited or they can be long term, depending on what you want or need.
I suspect you’ve either not had therapy or have had a poor quality therapist, of which there are plenty just like any profession.

This wasn’t my experience of it. Having suffered extensive mental, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my father and his friends between the ages of 7 and 14, I found the combination of therapy and antidepressants very useful, and actually life-saving. Thank you, NHS x

Therapy comes in many forms for different mental health situations, it’s very helpful, life changing in some circumstances. You need the right form of therapy and the right therapist match

The therapy I had as a teenager gave me perspectives and coping strategies that have stayed with me well into adulthood. It massively changed my life for the better. No doubt it also improved my family's lives a lot too as I was less difficult to be around.

There are some absolute charlatans acting as therapists though, and the person seeking the help has to be willing to do the work.