To think therapy is for the benefit of others

[Soggybogdog]

I've become increasingly suspicious that therapy and counselling is primarily for the benefit of the people around the bereaved or anxious or struggling person rather than the person themselves. It doesn't seem to help the person going to therapy, but it means they talk to the therapist more than the people around them. They don't intrinsically feel better about the situation.
I think the only way it helps is that it lessens people's perception that they are a "fun sponge". It's a way for everyone else to not have to listen to worries and upset. The person in therapy feels the same but has spoken into a therapy void rather than weighed everyone else down.

You are suggesting people who have therapy are constantly laying their issues on people around them. Thats a bit of a weird take tbh.

Or the patient isn't doing the work

OP, I think your post is missing a few things.

1. Some people who have therapy have no one supportive in their life at all. They might have literally no one (in which case there is really no one to benefit, or not benefit, but themselves). They might have a spouse / partner / children / parents who don't get them at all; don't seem to care; don't have compassion or patience whatsoever to begin with. Sadly in my experience this is not a rare situation.

2. Many people who do have concerned, caring family or friends around them still find that those people can't give them what they need. Well-meaning concerned people don't just run out of energy and patience. They can also simply give poor advice, or advice at the wrong time, or too much advice in general, rather than helping someone to discover what they actually want and need for themselves. Obviously therapists differ in their training and approaches but most therapists do not try to tell you what to do and aim to genuinely explore and understand the client's wants and hopes. Loved ones can't usually do that. We're too close to it, too invested, too tangled up with our own wants and hopes. Sometimes the specialist training of a therapist might genuinely offer ideas and ways of working that someone untrained couldn't provide, too (although I get some level of scepticism about this as therapy varies so much in its quality and theoretical perspective).

3. Even if a therapist doesn't offer much beyond a supportive listening... some people can say things to a therapist that they could never say to family and friends in the first place, just by virtue of the distance and the professional role. I think this explains why some people pour their hearts out to ChatGPT or whatever - not because their loved ones couldn't handle it or wouldn't be supportive necessarily but because they have things to say that they don't feel they could share with a person that they have an actual personal relationship with.

4. Sometimes the family members and friends are a big part of what is leading someone to feel unhappy / anxious / distressed, so an outside perspective and a confidential space is particularly important.

All that said... I do think that therapy can sometimes be a way to shunt a sense of responsibility or blame for problems onto the individual when working with the family as a whole would actually be far more valuable, or when the difficulties are actually massively caused or perpetuated by an objectively shitty situation for the person.

And yes, sometimes family do get fed up, burnt out, compassion-fatigued, stressed, overwhelmed... even with the best will in the world. And maybe hoping a therapist would relieve some of the burden is ok in these situations as long as the expectations are realistic? People can't keep giving from empty cups and everyone needs a break sometimes. No amount of love and care for someone changes the fact that supporting someone with mental health difficulties can be really really tough (and I speak as someone who has both needed the support and done the supporting).

Yeah great point. Sometimes people who have therapy have never opened up or shared painful things with anyone before ever. OP's post seems to stereotype people who want to talk to a therapist as almost needy over-sharers. It is incredibly hard for lots of people to voice any difficulties or problems at all. Some people go to therapy sessions and are almost silent for ages until the trust has been built.

YABU to think that people consider friends and family who are ill 'a fun sponge'. When my husband was ill (depression and anxiety resulting from repressed childhood abuse) his friends, family and I would have listed to him until the end of time with nothing but love for him. What kind of ass hole thinks someone at the end of their self is 'a fun sponge'?

YABU to think that therapy is talking into a void. When my husband was seriously unwell therapy helped him precisely because it wasn't just talking into a void. His therapist had the skills to guide his talking and provide tools to help him in a way that an unskilled person could. He came home with exercises and tasks that slowly put him back together again despite that seeming impossible.

I don’t think you properly understand what therapy involves. It’s not just sitting there moaning about your life and offloading your problems whilst someone asks you how you feel!

I’m 6 weeks into Cognitive Analytical Therapy following a relationship breakup which made me confront some elements of my behaviour which I wanted to improve. It’s already been hugely beneficial. I’ve realised that parts of my upbringing have affected how I interact in romantic relationships, at work and with my children. I’m starting to recognise patterns of behaviour in myself and find the tools to change them for the better. Hopefully in future I’ll be a better mother, colleague or partner because I’ve put in the work to become a better person.

My friends have still listened to me cry about how broken-hearted I am though!

I was in therapy. Never got a chance to talk about what was REALLY bothering me. So yes, I do think it’s for other people. Plus my therapist looked exactly like the person who traumatised me, and they knew about it before hand….

Not to me. My life is so, so much better because of therapy. I’m bloody lucky to have had it.

Therapy is mainly about learning skills to handle situations better.

YABU

The main benefit of therapy is to be more able to say no and to say yes clearly and effectively That is a huge benefit for oneself.

I had to have therapy for some quite complicated PTSD that was making it a struggle to function most days, to go into work having constant flashbacks and being an emotional wreck on the inside, plus it made it very difficult for me to deal with traumatic things that happened afterwards.

I had the therapy, I've managed to move past it, I can go to work without having panic attacks or flashbacks and I realised that I was a much stronger person then I ever thought possible and I'm able to recognise and work through new traumas and know if/when I may potentially need professional help again to cope with it. I did that purely for me....because I was a shadow of the person I once was, before I had the therapy.

If that's what you think, you're doing therapy wrong.

Funnily enough, people around me did not like me learning about and setting boundaries.

My mum had psychotherapy in the 1980s she was 100% a better mother afterwards.

Have you ever tried therapy yourself, OP? Therapy (with a qualified experienced therapist) couldn’t ever be described as “a void”. Many things, not even all necessarily good, but not that.

I sort of get what you mean because I have suggested therapy to someone close to me. This is because they have vented to me for years and years about the same issue and there’s only so much I can say as a layperson. So yes it would probably help me because I won’t have to deal with it as much but mainly I think it would also help the person actually deal with the issue and process it and get to a different place with it and be in a better space mentally. I don’t think going over and over the same thing is healthy.

I dislike therapy, but I disagree with your particular criticism of it. I just find it ineffecyajd often a way for a therapist to exercise control/push their worldview on the patient.

That’s not my experience of it at all. I wasn’t talking other people about it. The therapist was very helpful and insightful and made a big difference to my life. Sorry you’ve not had that experience but it doesn’t devalue the entirety of therapy. You may need a better therapist to help you get past the cynicism and negativity.

In my totally non expert view the main problem with counselling is people expect that just turning up and being willing to talk is alll you need. A therapy isn’t going to be successful if that’s your mindset. You have up know what you want to get out of therapy (just talking about problems isn’t an outcome) and you need to do the work to improve your mindset, resilience and coping methods, and change unhelpful behaviour. The therapist just facilitates you to do this.

There is only so much people can cope with in a non company setting, how draining it must be to have someone contsantly speak at you in a one way situation where only person get anything out of the relationship

isnt being around people who are not your therapist meant to be a mutual thing?

Given the frequency of threads on here where a poster has a friend who keeps talking about their personal struggles and they are told by the majority of posters that they should ditch the ‘energy witch’ friend ( insert insult of choice) you are probably right.

i don’t treat my friends like that, but it seems I am in the minority. It seems other people only like their friends talking to them about their problems if it only happens once or twice, and after that they shut up about their problems as friends are for fun times mainly.

Well there’s lots of types of therapy so no not really. But yes an aspect of person centred therapy is having a non judgmental outlet which potentially has an added advantage that the person doesn’t need to off load to friends/family as much. But through talking to the therapist there should also be a shift in the impact that your issues are having less impact or you are beginning to accept them. If that’s not happening then you are stuck in your grief/anxiety and probably need to either change therapist or type of therapy.

It's not either/ or.

People can have therapy AND talk to their friends and family.

If therapy isn't working for someone individually then they are either not ready or may need to find a different therapist or a different therapy approach.

I’n sorry, but with many therapists it really could. And these are experienced qualified therapists. I can’t count the amount of people who have told me that therapy didn’t help as the therapist never really said anything. Lots and lots of therapists appear to believe they are there to listen and somehow magically the client will have a breakthrough.

Therapists who teach skills and techniques are great but rare.

I think that 'other people' often want people to be in therapy, because they see it as a magic wand that will bring their old person back to them when they themselves lack the ability to help. Expectations are often highly unrealistic, with a view that all pain, trauma, phobia, addiction and its inconvenient behaviour can be cured if the person 'gets help'.
So, I do see where you're coming from a little.
However, therapy can be extremely helpful to the person themselves, helping them process, understand the impact on them, and learn tools to manage emotions and behaviours so despite the cause of the problem, such as a bereavement, not being removed, they can live with and around it.