To think therapy is for the benefit of others

[Soggybogdog]

I've become increasingly suspicious that therapy and counselling is primarily for the benefit of the people around the bereaved or anxious or struggling person rather than the person themselves. It doesn't seem to help the person going to therapy, but it means they talk to the therapist more than the people around them. They don't intrinsically feel better about the situation.
I think the only way it helps is that it lessens people's perception that they are a "fun sponge". It's a way for everyone else to not have to listen to worries and upset. The person in therapy feels the same but has spoken into a therapy void rather than weighed everyone else down.

lots of research points towards the quality of the therapeutic relationship being the critical factor in what makes therapy successful. So the idea of magic bullet therapies or the really directive therapies like CBT or EMDR being better than “just talking” isn’t accurate. The therapeutic alliance and the clients desire to change are the top two factors to making counselling successful.

more reading on it here: https://www.bacp.co.uk/bacp-journals/therapy-today/2026/articles-march/research/

Not something I have direct experience of. But I do recall a study that was carried out on groups of people following a traumatic event.
Those who were told they needed therapy and were waiting for it did worse than those who weren’t told they needed it and weren’t waiting. They didn’t return to work and reported themselves as being depressed and anxious far more.

It does feel a bit of a tick box sometimes. In work we must signpost sources of support and the in house dial a person service every time there is an attendance management meeting. So we can discharge our duty.

So when it becomes an expectation and people are told they have been traumatised and should not expect to get better I think it can be counterproductive.

Plus in my experience a lot of very troubled and low resilience people go into delivering therapy as it’s a world they know.

I am sounding like an old and outdated generation I know and that’s true too. I’m not sure when we all started the adulation of trauma and victim mentality. I don’t see it as a good thing.

Gosh, this is a narrow view.

How about it also offers an objective view, one that isn’t bogged down in family dynamics and biased?

Perhaps someone doesn’t have any family to talk to?

Perhaps someone wants professional advice because their family support is useless?

I did some CBT over the phone once. I would never have got that specific advice from my family and I’ve never forgotten it.

You sound impossibly uneducated

I don't think therapy can help with physical symptoms. Either it is somatising, in which case you would need many years of deep work (probably psychodynamic) to completely restructure your personality organisation or it is not and you need to see a pain specialist to help you cope with the pain. The problem is not all therapy is the same and you need to find the right therapy for the presenting issue. But it's not always easy to nail down what the issue is (that also needs the right person doing the assessment) and most therapists will take on any client and won't advise you to go elsewhere. So it's hit and miss. But I agree with you that therapy can be for the benefit of others and that's a good thing. Some people really do need to deal with their own stuff rather than making the lives of those around them hell with their poor behaviour (I don't mean you here, just a generalised comment about some disturbed personality types).

I think therapy isn’t right for some people but that doesn’t mean that on the whole, therapy is a waste of time. It depends on the person and the therapist and also whether it’s counselling or actual therapy.

I’ve had counselling 3 or 4 times. The first counsellor was brilliant and she helped me enormously through a very difficult time. She eventually retired and the other 2 or 3 I tried after that were just a waste of time. They kept trying to uncover some deep rooted trauma which just wasn’t there - I just needed a neutral space to unpack my anxieties around this one very difficult phase in my life.

I’m sorry therapy has not helped you OP.

I do think that therapy is brilliant for some, but does not work for others.

@OtterlyAstounding my older son is autistic and it affects him quite seriously, although he functions well ... on the very surface. He's going for therapy now (recommended by his outstanding support worker, who ought to be paid the same salary as Elon Musk in my view) but the therapist is trained in autism and his support worker said that non-specialized training would be useless and possibly damaging for him (as it was for my ex-H).

You mentioned you were AuADHD. Could it be possible that if therapy didn't work for you, it's because the people were simply not right for you.

Although as I say, for some people any therapy just doesn't work. And for others, the real deal is honestly very challenging and often unpleasant, even if you do learn a huge amount about yourself, others and how to handle situations and life from it.

One thing that concerns me is that therapy usually concentrates on the person in therapy, and some sorts are more navel-gazing than anything else. I do wonder if all therapists focus on getting people to really take responsibility for themselves and the impact of their actions on others as well as otehrs' actions impacting on themselves.

(I personally can’t imagine something like CBT is suitable for trauma)

Going by my own experiences, you're right, it isn't. CBT actually did me a fair bit of damage in that regard and set my recovery from depression back quite a bit. Looking back, the practitioner was probably not adhering to best practice, though, to be fair.

I don't think therapy can help with physical symptoms

Yes, it can. I've successfully worked with pain and tinnitus. Once someone has been signed off for no further medical treatment but are still feeling pain then therapy can deal with the emotional triggers.

I'm glad your son is well supported, and I hope that the therapy is helpful for him! It's really interesting that you've been told therapists need specialised training for autism – I've read that certain modalities work better, but not that. It does make a lot of sense, though.

It's interesting you mention the navel-gazing aspect – that was how I ended up feeling in therapy at times, and it just wasn't helpful, or what I was looking for.

I think both things can be true. Therapy can genuinely help some people, but it's also okay to say it didn't help you. We shouldn't dismiss either experience.