AIBU in thinking that this is an unfair expectation on parents

[GumballWaterson]

DD12 goes to a weekly Musical Theatre class which costs us £200 per term.

This summer they are doing a performance, two weeks of rehearsals followed by a dress rehearsal and three performances across two days. It costs £150 per child to take part and tickets for the show are £16 each. We have to provide a costume. Driving her to and from rehearsals and performances (an hour round trip) has taken some juggling with work, younger DC etc but all fine, that's what we agreed to.

A couple of weeks back they sent out an email stating "we expect all parents to chaperone or help out backstage for at least one performance or the dress rehearsal. You must let us know which performance/s you will be volunteering for by completing this form by X date". No "please" or "if you are able to" or "we would be grateful if", just a straight up demand.

When I dropped DD off this morning I spoke to one of the managers and politely told her that DH and I are unable to help. I explained that DH will be at work during the dress rehearsal and first performance and I will be looking after DD's younger brother, then for the other two performances one of us will be in the audience and the other will be at home with DS as he would not be able to sit through the show due to SEND. She responded with what I can only describe as a lecture, about how they "do expect all families to make arrangements" because "it really isn't fair on the parents that make the effort" and if they don't have enough chaperones the performances can't legally go ahead and "it's the children who will suffer if parents don't support the show". This was all delivered unnecessarily loudly, I got the impression she wanted me to feel embarrassed by other parents and staff hearing.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be berated for not supporting a business that I pay £600 a year in class fees to, in addition to the nearly £200 it's costing us for DD to do this show + tickets? Not to mention DD has given up several days of her summer holiday to help out at their under 5's dance workshops, for which they also charge parents a small fortune!
I don't want to stop DD taking part in future because it's good for her confidence, but I don't feel it should be my responsibility as the customer of a profit-making business to ensure their events are appropriately staffed. The only way we could make this work is if one of us doesn't watch the show, and helps out backstage instead but DD would be disappointed that we hadn't both seen her perform, plus we've already bought the tickets.

Look, id be as hacked off as you for all the same reasons, but the rub of it is that if you want DD to take part, you'll have to dance to their tune or she will face the blowback of wither her part being cut and you being refunded or she won't be permitted to sign up again.

It's shit, and like I said, I'm fully Team OP, but that's basically the short and long of it, fair or not, they're a private company and can and will do what they want.

I totally agree @GumballWaterson. I think some of the parents might be quite surprised if they knew.

Yes discuss it with them.

On the one hand yes you’re right that this is a commitment to help them. On the other hand through if they don’t have enough chaperones for the shows your DD helping out at other times isn’t really going to solve anything so you need to talk it through with them. The chaperone rota is a very specific thing that they obviously are a bit hard line about so if you really can’t manage it ever, and don’t see that changing, better to be really clear about that now.

Don’t forgot she also has to pay for the costume for the kid to perform in the show they’ve paid for her to perform in. Total racket.

£200 ? for tickets ? Wow I could go to the West End for that . And the key word is Volunteer. Very poor form of her to give you a hard time , especially publicly . You had very valid reasons and it was polite of you to even explain. I would love to be able to say that you couldn't do it because you couldn't be arsed .
These clubs are taking the piss. They have a captive membership as everyone is invested in trying to do the best for their kids . Nobody wants their child to be disappointed so selling tickets and charging to be in a show is forced upon them . We used to have dance recitals where it was the teachers chance to showcase what the parents were actually paying for . Never charged for tickets . Some mothers volunteered to manage a drinks table of squash etc for kids . It's gotten so mercenary and rather distasteful now . The costs are ridiculously high . No child no matter how talented can join if their family can't afford it . So glad I don't have to deal with this .
OP do you think your DD would be OK if after this you join a different club . They don't sound very nice but hope your DD enjoys it on the night .

I was one of that group of mums. We always made sure that we saw at least one show by buying tickets for different nights or sneaking out to just see our kids dance

I loved it, I loved helping to make the costumes - just a bit of hand sewing, doing the makeup, getting the kids dressed, done some really quick changes which were quite hilarious at times, sewn people into outfits etc etc.

Watching all these kids who I got to know quite well going out on stage nervous as hell and killing it - a real privilege. If every parent had wanted to do it I wouldn't have had so much fun so thanks to the parents who didn't want to do it

I think it should be made clear when joining.

I've started this thread specifically to ascertain whether the schools stance is reasonable or not, so that's what the focus of my posts has been. You're clearly projecting since you're having a go at me for failing to express gratitude for something that hasn't even happened yet.
I'm also well aware no one is forcing me to send my DD, but I agreed for her to do the show and paid the fee before I knew what I was apparently signing up for, hence the thread. I'm not going to pull her out now that rehearsals are already underway.

Been there and got the T shirt. Shelling out loadsa noney for what will probably be a shit show and about 30 seconds of stage time.

If they try to pressurise again, point this factor out.

You could also reasonably point out that their policy is discriminatory, given that it prejudices people with caring responsibilities for disabled family members like you, and indeed it doesn't seem to take into account that parents themselves may have disabilities.

Look them up on Companies House and see how much they are making.

We did this out of pure nosiness for a local theatre group who puts on performances and it was really interesting. Showed they take a lot of money in at Christmas, but that they spend nearly all of it on new costumes/scripts/sets.

I bet in your case it's just profit. Volunteering at activities run by volunteers is one thing, but not when you've paid £150!

Is it profit-making or just cost-covering?

If it's priced on the basis of requiring parents to act as unpaid chaperones and a certain number of parents can't do that, then they may need to increase their prices accordingly to compensate and hire in enough DBS checked helpers to replace the chaperones.

Don't get me wrong, it's a big ask of you and you're not set up to be able to do so (at least as easily as some other families may be able to) but the likely outcome is increased costs or reduced opportunities.

It is very common for sports and other organisations to rely on parents. It’s a legal requirement in my DD’s sport that there is always a named parent at the side. Often it’s the same small cohort of parents covering the sessions as people can’t be arsed. I get it can be tricky but if every parent pulled their weight it would work out 1-2 hours across the season. Instead because the session can’t go ahead without a parent , it’s often the same parents doing 1-2 hours per week. I’m one of those parents and it’s very frustrating. So no I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect parents to chip in.

You only need licensed chaperones if the show requires a license. Most dance school shows of one or two performances don’t require one as they’re exempt. Whether then you need a DBS or not then depends on regulated activity and supervision etc. (However they are making changes to volunteers, DBSes and regulated activity from 1st September.)

I think most people would be shocked at the costs of putting on a show. Theatre hire costs have gone through the roof, and most dance school shows will barely break even.

However, there are some people who genuinely can’t chaperone or volunteer. I have no problem volunteering knowing that it can’t happen without volunteers and because there are some parents who can’t and their children would miss out and I can. I get resentful at those that go, I can’t possibly volunteer because I need to go out to lunch with X or y, or I just want to watch all the shows and then worst have a go a you when something runs late or child loses a ballet shoe that isn’t named. The dance teacher should have handled it more sensitively in your case and whilst I appreciate ‘mandatory’ volunteering is easier, not everyone for very genuine reasons can volunteer.

This is odd, I chaperone dd's dance show every year, but realistically they can't possibly need a chaperone from every family?! I know the dance school is pretty reliant on the same parents volunteering for repeat years as otherwise the logistics for the DBS checks become too time consuming. I'd say it's about 25-30% of the mums in total over the dress rehearsal and two shows and that covers what they need. Sounds like the theatre school is being excessive.

I can't honestly say she shouted at me. She was speaking unnecessarily loudly, but this felt like an attempt to embarass me. She wasn't being aggressive.

It felt as if we left it a bit unresolved I suppose. After she lectured me at length about their "expectations" I explained that I wouldn't feel comfortable bringing DS and she said "oh no, we can't have additional children backstage and we would need you completely focused". She asked if grandparents could help so I told her DH's parents are elderly and in poor health and mine will be out of the country. She said "what about Aunts and Uncles?" so I explained that my children only have one Aunt and she's not in a position to help unfortunately- I didn't go into details as it's not her business frankly, but DH's sister is sadly not someone we could ever leave our children with, if anything we have caring responsibilities for SIL. She then made the comment about how if they don't have enough chaperones the performance can't go ahead. At that point I said "I'm really sorry but I need to leave to get to a meeting" (which was true) and she sort of sighed exaggeratedly, shook her head then walked away, so that was that.

She has been doing the weekly classes and various holiday workshops for a couple of years. This is the first show she's done with them.

@Gemilo You are not comparing the same things though . It's one thing if the event is a non profit event like a school play or Brownies or sports team . This is a business . That are charging big money and then asking and trying to shame parents into volunteering their time as well ? They got some nerve .

A totally different circumstances but same principle. I used to help run a Guide group we didn't have enough volunteers to consistently do any of end of term outings and weekly activities, we used to have to send letters explaining that we couldn't continue with the current situation without parents support but we'd never force or demand anything. We did get complaints when we had weeks where we couldn't run but if people can't spare time they can't spare time. Just ignore.

A lot of the examples given - expected to help out once a term, or on a rota - aren't the same as demanding all parents help on one of two dates, that they did not know about when they signed up.

I volunteer somewhere and we're always needing people to help out and I get a bit annoyed at the reluctance - but this is NOT how you go about it.

OP I'd maybe ask what provision they will make for you to bring your SEN child. Will they provide an appropriate helper for him while you're volunteering?

She asked if grandparents could help so I told her DH's parents are elderly and in poor health and mine will be out of the country. She said "what about Aunts and Uncles?"

Ah so actually, it sounds like they don't have a clue. I'd ignore - if they were serious they wouldn't be banking their entire production on aunts and uncles existing!?!

I think it's also the assumption that people can simply drop everything. My own childcare issues aside, the dress rehearsal and two out of the three performances start within core office hours for most people, and chaperones are required to be there an hour before. For the dress rehearsal they want parents there for 3.5 hours right in the middle of the working day. Obviously people have varying degrees of flexibility in their jobs, I've had jobs where I could probably swing it if I made the time up elsewhere. I've also jobs where it would be impossible without a considerable amount of notice.

Surely that’s because whilst your girls might be comfortable getting changed in front of you other girls are likely not (and even if they were it wouldn’t be appropriate)

I danced well into my teens as did both my DDs. Back stage tends to be a chaotic mix of dressing / undressing and babysitting.

This gets more chaotic and demanding as girls get older and although there are changing spots there’s a lot of barely bothering to conceal.