AIBU to worry an all-boys school might not create the well-rounded person I want my DS to be?

[Hattieeagle]

I’m having a bit of a wobble about a decision that has already been made. My husband is very much against single sex schools, I attended an all girls school so did not have much experience in a coed environment till I got to university.

Our eldest DS is starting at Radley in September. He is genuinely so excited and I can see why. He is a very sporty, bright child and I think he will absolutely thrive there. He loves competition, enjoys being part of teams and the school seems like it will offer him so many opportunities.

DH went to Radley himself and has always hoped our children would go there. He had a very positive experience and feels strongly that it’s a fantastic environment for DS.
The thing is, now it’s getting closer, I’ve started questioning whether an all-boys school is actually what I want for him.
I’m not questioning the quality of the school. I know it has an excellent reputation and I’m sure DS will be supported academically and in sport.

My worry is more about the bigger picture.
I want DS to grow into a kind, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded adult. I wonder whether being surrounded by boys for the majority of his teenage years means he will miss out on the everyday friendships and interactions with girls that happen naturally in a co-ed environment.

I’ve read quite a lot recently about single-sex education and it has made me think about whether co-ed might have been better preparation for adult life. I don’t want him to just be successful academically and in sport; I want him to understand different personalities, communicate well and have a balanced view of relationships.

At the same time, I feel slightly ridiculous because DS himself is so happy about it. He isn’t worried at all. He’s excited about the houses, the sport, making friends and starting this next chapter.

DH thinks I’m overthinking it. He says DS is the exact type of child who will flourish there and that an all-boys environment doesn’t stop someone becoming a well-rounded person. He also says there will be plenty of opportunities to socialise outside school.
I can see his point. I just can’t shake the feeling that perhaps we have chosen what suits DS’s strengths rather than what might challenge him in other ways.

AIBU to still be questioning whether co-ed would have been the better option, even though DS is excited and likely to do really well?

Would you prioritise a school where your child is likely to excel, or choose one that exposes them to a wider range of experiences?

I would like to hear from parents who have sent their children to single sex schools. I’ve only had boys so it feels very counterproductive to send them all to an all boys school. Maybe I am doing them a disservice.

We let DS choose his own secondary school. He chose a single-sex over the co-ed he also had a place at. It’s not what I would have chosen for him, but I wasn’t the one attending.

My DS is at an all boys. He’s loving it and thriving. I see him becoming the well rounded young man you are talking about.

My DD on the other hand, we are about to move from all girls to co ed as I see the complete opposite in her behavior.

Lots depends on the child. I’d also say the schools are very aware of the single sex thing and try to provide opportunities - music, CCF and theatre shows happen with a linked girls school. Not sure if that’s a thing at Radley

My girls went to single sex schools as did I. I think single sex takes away the pressure to impress potential boyfriends / girlfriends or to date and lets kids develop in their own way.

the idea that an all boys school won’t let a boy learn to communicate with girls implies that there is something fundamentally different about how a boy talks to a boy versus how he talks to a girl. But if he is able to treat everyone as a sensible human being, then he will be able to communicate with girls just fine. Even after going to an all boys school.

Your second sentence says your husband is against single sex schools?

Radley starts at 13, effectively yr 9 so your boy will be old enough to know what he wants. I'm quite pro single sex schools (from a girl's perspective at least) but I do think it helps to have a thriving social life outside school, be it boarding or day so life isn't entirely single sex.
Does your boy have sports or hobbies that bring him into contact with girls?
Edited to say I taught in girls' boarding/day schools for quite a while.

I taught for years at an all boys school. They were, en masse, with very few exceptions, lovely lads who grew into fine young men. They stayed 'younger' for longer with no pressure to be cool and mature and be dating someone.

Someone will be along to say that by putting him in any type of private school you are not giving him a well rounded experience or diverse peers but this is disingenuous. Most state schools have fairly homogeneous catchment areas as dictated by postcode wealth. My kids go to a fee paying school with boarders from all over the world. The local states are 98% white British. All school are 'real world'.

I would encourage contact with girls through family, clubs etc but at my previous school, many of them did start dating garound y10/11 and had no.issues.

I prefer single sex schools (myself, DH, and our kids all went to them). It takes away the need to look or perform a certain way, and out of school activities give plenty of opportunities to mix with the opposite sex.

I don't think you need to worry!

Life is so much more relaxed nowadays than it was 60 years ago when all boys schools were perhaps much more restricted and narrow in their approach.

Both my children went to single-sex schools - not particularly by design - and each had a good experience.

One thing I did notice - neither my daughter nor my son stressed much over their appearance each day before setting off for school. I heard from friends who had children at co-ed schools that they spent a long time in front of the mirror with either hair gel (sons) or make-up and hair straighteners (daughters). OK, this will happen to some extent but I think co-ed puts pressures on young people too, in different ways.

I went to a single sex school, but we met boys out of school, at swimming club and other clubs/activities. However, that was a day school, not boarding, so there won't be those opportunities for out of school mixing.

It hugely depends on the child and the school. Some thrive, some don't. Some turn into sexist arseholes, some don't.

I think single sex lessons are a good thing. I'm not so sure about single sex everything. But it still comes down to the school and the child in the end.

I think the bigger concern would be rather an elite boarding school is a reflection of the real world... he will be mixing with only one tyoe of person.

Worrying about it just being privileged boys instead of privileged mixed sex seems rather redundant.

He’s against single sex schools but wants to send his child to one?

The reality is that the kind of education you can afford for your child is basically the best money can buy - they will have an incredibly wide range of experiences.

I would actually be less worried about the single sex element - and more concerned about spending their formative years among such extreme privilege. That has a greater risk of impacting the way they think and their attitudes to the world.

I know lots of people (myself included) who attended single sex schools and enjoyed it / certainly didn’t feel there was any harm.

Purely anecdotal but I know a lot of former Radley boys and their biggest flaw was typically their egos - they needed some corners knocking off when they left, but you could probably say that about a lot of young people / certainly the kinds of children coming out of the big public schools.

I think if he’s excited about it it’s most of the battle tbh. I wanted ds 1 to go to a mixed school but it was fairly imposing and both of us walked out fairly unsure. We went to visit the boys school and a mixture of the teachers, the pupils he met s as nd the art room and he was absolutely sold. I had really wanted a mixed school but went with it and in general he had a great experience

My husband is very much against single sex schools,

DH went to Radley himself and has always hoped our children would go there. He had a very positive experience and feels strongly that it’s a fantastic environment for DS.

These two statements contradict each other. Your husband is opposed to single sex education yet hoped to single sex educate his own kids.

My older son went to a (then) single sex school. He is a well rounded young man. My younger one is at a co-ed and is also growing into being a well rounded young man. Pick the school for the child and all will be fine.

Coed sorry

DH went to an all boys school and vowed to never send DS to one. Academically he did very well, he took his 4 A levels and had top results when he was 16 and he is good at cricket but it was just a bit too testosterone fuelled for him and he has always said he just didn’t mix enough with women.

Yes, this confused me as well.

He is against coeducational schools* Sorry it would not let me edit it once I posted.

Confused. Your DH is against single sex schools, but sending his son to one?

Unfortunately, I think independent single sex boys school to tend to breed one of the worst types of men, but that’s just my opinion/experience.

I think co-ed benefits girls more than boys but that doesn’t mean I think single sex is a bad idea

I’d be far more worried about the effects of growing up in a privileged environment than growing up in a single sex school tho. It’s the one biggest reason we chose against private school for our DCs

My husband is very much against single sex schools,

DH went to Radley himself and has always hoped our children would go there. He had a very positive experience and feels strongly that it’s a fantastic environment for DS.

These two statements contradict each other. Your husband is opposed to single sex education yet hoped to single sex educate his own kids.

My older son went to a (then) single sex school. He is a well rounded young man. My younger one is at a co-ed and is also growing into being a well rounded young man. Pick the school for the child and all will be fine.

I also recently came across a video of Jamie Laing from his Made in Chelsea days, and I have to admit it made me feel a bit uneasy because he attended Radley. I know that one person’s behaviour doesn’t represent an entire school, and there are obviously many men who went there who are nothing like that. However, seeing the way he behaved and some of his attitudes in his 20s did make me question the kind of environment and influences boys are exposed to during those formative years.

Sorry what do you mean privileged environment. That is the school he has chosen, he has just turned 13 I don’t think he’s to be blamed for the privileged environment. We would just like to give him a good education like any other parent would for their child. We are able to afford it so why not he will get a very good education out of it.

I agree there’s a different pressure at co-ed schools.

My DD boarded at a girls school and met boys from Harrow. Some were brothers of the girls. All were decent kind people. They had not become awful boys after the age of 13. I do agree with a mixed group of friends though.

Schools don’t change caring lovely boys into something you won’t recognise! Parents set the expectations for their dc. Schools don’t work against that. It’s certainly the case that parental influence trumps other boys. If he’s a good lad now, he will stay a good lad. Exciting times for him and I’d not burst his bubble.

DS is 31. He went to an all boys school. He is kind, rounded, morally astute. DD a little younger went to an all girls school and ditto. DH all boys. I was all girls and went to a mixed 6th form where there were distractions.

Future son in law went to the same school as DS. He is a senaitive and quirky soul and it didn't work for him. The boys school more geared to.sensitive quirky boys to which he moved did work.

It's about the right school for the right child and knowing your child.

DS, DD and I were privately educated. DH was not. Guess which one is less comfortable with dealing with all people, from anywhere.

It would not let me edit once posted.

I want our son to be happy, that’s the school he has chosen at the end of the day we just have to accept it. He’s a caring and loving boy and I hope that doesn’t change.