AIBU to worry an all-boys school might not create the well-rounded person I want my DS to be?

[Hattieeagle]

I’m having a bit of a wobble about a decision that has already been made. My husband is very much against single sex schools, I attended an all girls school so did not have much experience in a coed environment till I got to university.

Our eldest DS is starting at Radley in September. He is genuinely so excited and I can see why. He is a very sporty, bright child and I think he will absolutely thrive there. He loves competition, enjoys being part of teams and the school seems like it will offer him so many opportunities.

DH went to Radley himself and has always hoped our children would go there. He had a very positive experience and feels strongly that it’s a fantastic environment for DS.
The thing is, now it’s getting closer, I’ve started questioning whether an all-boys school is actually what I want for him.
I’m not questioning the quality of the school. I know it has an excellent reputation and I’m sure DS will be supported academically and in sport.

My worry is more about the bigger picture.
I want DS to grow into a kind, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded adult. I wonder whether being surrounded by boys for the majority of his teenage years means he will miss out on the everyday friendships and interactions with girls that happen naturally in a co-ed environment.

I’ve read quite a lot recently about single-sex education and it has made me think about whether co-ed might have been better preparation for adult life. I don’t want him to just be successful academically and in sport; I want him to understand different personalities, communicate well and have a balanced view of relationships.

At the same time, I feel slightly ridiculous because DS himself is so happy about it. He isn’t worried at all. He’s excited about the houses, the sport, making friends and starting this next chapter.

DH thinks I’m overthinking it. He says DS is the exact type of child who will flourish there and that an all-boys environment doesn’t stop someone becoming a well-rounded person. He also says there will be plenty of opportunities to socialise outside school.
I can see his point. I just can’t shake the feeling that perhaps we have chosen what suits DS’s strengths rather than what might challenge him in other ways.

AIBU to still be questioning whether co-ed would have been the better option, even though DS is excited and likely to do really well?

Would you prioritise a school where your child is likely to excel, or choose one that exposes them to a wider range of experiences?

I would like to hear from parents who have sent their children to single sex schools. I’ve only had boys so it feels very counterproductive to send them all to an all boys school. Maybe I am doing them a disservice.

I would talk with the pastoral care person / house parent / PSHE teacher when term starts about how they help the boys understand how to interact with girls and what opportunities they have over the year to do joint activities with girls' schools. You won't be the first parent to have this concern.

You can keep sixth form options open - if he's not enjoying it there, he could move elsewhere for A levels.

Had I had boys, I would hands down have sent them single sex.

May I ask why, @QuirkyHorse?
As someone whose boys attend a single-sex school it is reassuring to hear, but I am curious about the reasoning behind it.

I went to an all girls grammar and my brother to an all boys independent school.
I think I’m reasonably well rounded and my brother definitely isn’t, but my mum anyways said that if she had her time again she should never have sent us to single sex schools.
Neither of us had much contact with the opposite sex and I definitely went a bit wild when I joined my brother’s school for sixth form.
My brother developed the attitude that he was better than us and has been NC with the family for 25 years. obviously that might have happened anyway.. we’ll never know.

If it’s any consolation dd is at the mixed 6th form of an all boys (state) school and with the exception of a group of dreadful rugby “lads” the boys school boys are lovely. She helps out with the younger boys and says they are much politer and nicer than the girls at her all girl comp.

Single-sex schools for secondary education is beneficial for both boys and girls I believe, but especially for boys. They can get through the awkward phases of adolescence without the pressure of being seen to be “cool” to impress girls.

If it’s a good school I would send him, but you HAVE to make sure he’s around girls outside of school, so in clubs etc. Otherwise he’ll be off to uni at 18 with no experience of the opposite sex. I know a few people I met at university who were in this position, and it was difficult for them to find a girlfriend, lose their virginity etc as they just had no clue how to treat women. Men in this position are breeding grounds for incel culture…

I'd be worried about the incel culture. It's prevalent everywhere and without normalising girls as classmates and competitors, it makes for a very narrow view.
Single sex day school to GCSE, not a problem. Single sex boarding school to 18 is much harder to untangle.

This is interesting,

i went to an all girls school and it was awful, my dh went to an all boys and it was brilliant. I now have two dds and am absolutely against sending them to the single sex girls school, but if I had sons I would happily send them to the all boys.

i don’t know wether it’s that girls school in particular or all/ most single sex girls school have this toxic dynamic

One of my friends is an English teacher in an all boys school, and she’s really passionate and inspiring about this.

Which books really depends what they’re into - I’d let them loose in a book shop and see what they’re drawn to.

DH and I both went to single sex schools. We chose a coed for DT’s (b/g). We wanted them in a mixed school and the same school.

@ScrimMNGirls schools can be great. They don’t all have faults. Not really sure what toxic means. My DDs were not subjected to comments from boys or judged by boys. They could be themselves and develop at their pace. They boarded at a school with good academics, but not stellar. Both have lifelong friends from school and enjoyed their school time. People worry way too
much about the idea of what a school
might be. Most dc are happy and thrive.

As an Asian man I was sent to all all boys because apparently talking to girls and socialising with girls was bad. If I went to a mixed school I might gf and that was bad because I'd study less. People at my all boys grammar has numerous relationships with girls at the sister school. Come sixth form I was super shy and I had to work up courage to take to the girls (who I learnt were all normal).

There's always some joy and that magic feeling when you get a crush in school. It's a nice feeling to have

No school is perfect and hopefully the bitchy girls are dealt with. What I liked about the school was that the girls were safe, not judged by boys, at least in school. Girls of all sizes and abilities played sports without worrying about physical appearance, they studied the subjects they liked and no one commented if it was Physics not Art. They gained self confidence.
My own DD really enjoyed the a mixed 6th form college after an all girls education to GCSE.
Obviously you have to match the school and the student.

A life outside school helps enormously. Visits, trips, lectures, challenge days, socials, choirs, drama can all enhance the life experience of boarders and bring them into contact with a wide variety of people (of the opposite sex).

friends and family are so over the boasting she had nowhere else to go?

Op asked, people responded thoughtfully I might add- she then shut us down!

Having a crush is so exciting! Even though she didn't like me back. She was still friendly and my heart would go all mushy

@EvieBBSo no bitchy girls exist in a co Ed school? None? How is that possible? It’s total rubbish isn’t it?! Of course unpleasant dc exist everywhere. What matters is school ethos and expectations, parenting and making sure dc are robust as well as being pleasant people. Mixed schools don’t have a monopoly on non bitchy girls! Plus most girls are supportive and kind. Why we keep putting down girls and labelling them mystifies me. Most dc in most schools are totally good people.

Interesting take - academically speaking co-ed benefts boys more than girls is my understanding - girls do better in single sex schools than in co-ed though I am sure there are mitigating factors across the board (I wonder if it's similar to the women are happier/healthier/live longer when single than when married to a man...)

Wouldn't you worry about DDs getting SAed and SHed at coeds?

It's not one size fits all and it's honestly disturbing to see so many parents make generalisations about how either single-sex or co-ed education is better for all girls or all boys. It completely depends on the child's personality, and also on the character of the school itself.

Mixed-sex socialising is imperative for teenagers (unless you want them to grow into weird adults who can only socialise with their own sex, and see the opposite sex as an alien species). But this doesn't have to happen at school, if parents have access to mixed-sex social networks outside it. Oddly, every woman I know who went to an all-girls school seems to have had ample opportunity to socialise with boys as a teenager, but not the men who went to all-boys schools (and many of the latter were definitely hampered by that).

Some girls and boys will thrive in the company of the opposite sex, some will feel additional pressure or anxiety from it. Some girls and boys are gay, and that has a huge impact on whether single-sex schools are good for them. I have a gay male friend who says an all-boys school was a complete nightmare for him, and he thrived when his parents sent him to a co-ed sixth form where he gravitated towards female friends - I was one of those. I also have a lesbian friend who says she thoroughly enjoyed being at an all-girls school (she didn't elaborate on why).

When they did research into what factors lead to high achievement academically, the result was whether children ate with their parents. Borne out maybe by the high academic achievement of Chinese, Indian and Jewish children in the UK, where eating together is important culturally, ( but difficult when your child doesn't even live with you for much of the year?)

Incidentally A Levels' results for students of similar ability vary very little ( maybe half a grade at most according to whether students go to Private, Selective or Comprehensive schools. ( Research done by University College London and Sutton Trust).

But, with similar grades at A level Comprehensive School students consistently perform better at graduate and post graduate level than private school students.

Incidentally, surely education is not just academic results but part of a life experience. For many careers it is important surely to be able to draw on a lived experience of how life is for people from different backgrounds / poorer families etc viz Law, Medicine, Social Work etc.

Your husband is against co-ed schools? That is actually disturbing to me. I think same sex schools are beyond weird. And especially nowadays with social media and online influencers, I dread to think what your son will be exposed to especially as hes staying there. Actually breaks my heart, how can you send your child away from you.

@Peonies12Im not a fan of co Ed either. Especially for girls. They meet the opposite sex away from school but don’t need the fun and games in school. These are dc and are absolutely fine being separated for a few hours a day!