AIBU to worry an all-boys school might not create the well-rounded person I want my DS to be?

[Hattieeagle]

I’m having a bit of a wobble about a decision that has already been made. My husband is very much against single sex schools, I attended an all girls school so did not have much experience in a coed environment till I got to university.

Our eldest DS is starting at Radley in September. He is genuinely so excited and I can see why. He is a very sporty, bright child and I think he will absolutely thrive there. He loves competition, enjoys being part of teams and the school seems like it will offer him so many opportunities.

DH went to Radley himself and has always hoped our children would go there. He had a very positive experience and feels strongly that it’s a fantastic environment for DS.
The thing is, now it’s getting closer, I’ve started questioning whether an all-boys school is actually what I want for him.
I’m not questioning the quality of the school. I know it has an excellent reputation and I’m sure DS will be supported academically and in sport.

My worry is more about the bigger picture.
I want DS to grow into a kind, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded adult. I wonder whether being surrounded by boys for the majority of his teenage years means he will miss out on the everyday friendships and interactions with girls that happen naturally in a co-ed environment.

I’ve read quite a lot recently about single-sex education and it has made me think about whether co-ed might have been better preparation for adult life. I don’t want him to just be successful academically and in sport; I want him to understand different personalities, communicate well and have a balanced view of relationships.

At the same time, I feel slightly ridiculous because DS himself is so happy about it. He isn’t worried at all. He’s excited about the houses, the sport, making friends and starting this next chapter.

DH thinks I’m overthinking it. He says DS is the exact type of child who will flourish there and that an all-boys environment doesn’t stop someone becoming a well-rounded person. He also says there will be plenty of opportunities to socialise outside school.
I can see his point. I just can’t shake the feeling that perhaps we have chosen what suits DS’s strengths rather than what might challenge him in other ways.

AIBU to still be questioning whether co-ed would have been the better option, even though DS is excited and likely to do really well?

Would you prioritise a school where your child is likely to excel, or choose one that exposes them to a wider range of experiences?

I would like to hear from parents who have sent their children to single sex schools. I’ve only had boys so it feels very counterproductive to send them all to an all boys school. Maybe I am doing them a disservice.

I think it would be reasonable to ask the school if they have any provisions for this ? It must be somthat has occured to otger parents ?

My husband went to an all boys boarding school and I went to a girls day school. He is adamant our children go to coed day schools.

A lot of his school friends are very normal, well adjusted men. They all have really awful stories of the teaching staff though. My husband was also very much raised with the idea he would never be concerned with household chores and he admits not understanding VAWAG and feminism as issues until he left school.

I am actually very pro sending dds to all girls for prep age as I think it builds a wonderful confidence, but we’ll have to see what they think of our local options.

I read that Prince George chose Eton .As a boys only School, Kate may have had similar worries! who knows .I think your DS wants to go there so a bit unfair to change course now!

Bit weird that he's 'against' mixed schools, given that he never went to one and has no idea what they're like.

Sounds like he just wants to mould his son into a carbon copy of himself, to be honest.

It's quite clear that this is going to be the right environment for your child.

I wouldn't worry too much but make a concerted effort to have him socialise with girls often as he grows up - all-boys schools can definitely breed the kind of behaviours you are worried about, but it can be mitigated if you make sure your DS isn't completely shut off from girls and women as he grows up.

We can’t change his school now. I’m just a bit nervous whereas he’s very excited and I will just need to get over and be happy for him it’s a new chapter and I hope he’ll thrive.

What do you mean by well rounded adult? It sounds like your focus is only about sex.

If you mean he can grow up to be a healthy well balanced adult, of course he can.

If you mean becoming an adult who fully understand all aspects of life, developing empathy towards different people/backgrounds and behaving accordingly, that's a big debate. Some would say yes, others not.

Ultimately, your son wants to go there because it's been sold to him as the best place for him. He is much too young to truly know what is best for him. You and your OH are deciding for him.

My advice - to counter balance your concerns - would be to encourage him into reading fiction for pleasure. Multiple studies show what a powerful empathy builder it is, in allowing you to walk in someone else’s shoes - and see things from the perspective of different kinds of people, including people you might not meet in day to day life. Studies also show that vanishingly few teenage boys read for pleasure. So, I don’t mean point him towards books you think he’ll be educated by, I mean take him shopping before he heads off to school & let him choose books he’s going to fall in love with that’ll give him the reading bug.

Have 3 boys and for that reason wanted co-ed for them. I know what you mean but if it’s all organised for this September you are unreasonable to say something now.

your son is lucky enough to be going to one of the best schools in the world. reflect on that

he will be fine.

here's plenty of adult tosspots that didn't go to Radley!

I went to single sex and preferred it for my dds but didn't have the option. Now I've completely changed my mind and am glad they went to mixed. They've always had friends of both sexes and are relaxed and confident around both sexes, whereas we were not. They did well academically too.

Both my children went to single sex private schools.

Both have grown into well rounded successful adults with plenty of friends of both sexes.

Im confused. Your husband is against single sex schools but is sending his son to one?

@mrsneville The idea that model men are churned out of co Ed schools is frankly ridiculous. You could argue the girls in these schools are there to modify the behaviour of the boys. Certainly many boys schools are now co Ed but its parents who set the tone for their boys. At least at Radley they don’t have girls to score out of 10 and upskirt.

I always think it's wrong of parents to want a child's experiences to be a re-enactment of their own. Imagine if your son is unhappy there, and DH counters with "oh but Daddy had such a wonderful time there, why can't you just be happy, Timothy?" etc etc.
I'd go coed if I were you.

DS went to a private boys school and he and his friends turned into well rounded young men who are now great husbands and fathers.dont forget that you have already laid the foundations for the type of man he will be.

I loved going to a mixed sex school - having crushes made school much more worthwhile lol....and I still did really well academically. I imagine all girls schools could be really bitchy??...but what would I know having never gone to one!

I have worked at both mixed sex and an all boys school.
Had I had boys, I would hands down have sent them single sex.

As it is, I had girls and both went to mixed sex schools. The eldest would have gone single sex if there was one close by, the younger was vehemently against it.

Don't worry. It will be fine. Radley is a great school.
And he can always move at 6th form if he wants a change.

A boy is influenced by more than his school. I’m sure he will thrive in such an environment especially if he is excited to attend. He’s very lucky.

My doy would eat a massive plate of grapes and chocolate until he exploded. Im his parent and I know better than he does, So I dont feed him grapes and chocolate...

Do you think an 11 year old can really make a proper informed decision?

Respectfully, by 'doy', are you talking about a male child or a dog? You seem a bit confused. I'm sure you realise chocolate aren't good for dogs, and your child would not actually explode, but it's not entirely clear.

Schools are all much of a muchness, unless you're of one of those terrifically anxious UK parents obsessed with their child somehow missing out, or who thinks the right school will do their parenting. DS was choosing between 'fine' and 'fine', and he was the one who was going to have to get up an hour earlier in the morning to get to the more distant school. He chose proximity. It's as valid a reason as any.

Is your husband a kind, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded adult?

My son and daughter both went to single sex secondary schools. They were both happy and started to mix with the opposite sex in sixth form. It wasn't an issue for either one.

Thanks for this.
Interesting idea and one I hadn’t thought of.
My boys attend a single sex school too, though not a fee-paying one.

Do you have any suggestions at all for a good place to start with books? They are more interested in their devices now unfortunately, although they had lots of books as younger children. I’m not sure how to guide them back to reading for pleasure.

To add…they enjoy their single-sex school. There is less pressure re romantic relationships etc which I think is good at this age…it’s easier to be themselves I think. They did attend a mixed sex primary until age 13.