AIBU to worry an all-boys school might not create the well-rounded person I want my DS to be?

[Hattieeagle]

I’m having a bit of a wobble about a decision that has already been made. My husband is very much against single sex schools, I attended an all girls school so did not have much experience in a coed environment till I got to university.

Our eldest DS is starting at Radley in September. He is genuinely so excited and I can see why. He is a very sporty, bright child and I think he will absolutely thrive there. He loves competition, enjoys being part of teams and the school seems like it will offer him so many opportunities.

DH went to Radley himself and has always hoped our children would go there. He had a very positive experience and feels strongly that it’s a fantastic environment for DS.
The thing is, now it’s getting closer, I’ve started questioning whether an all-boys school is actually what I want for him.
I’m not questioning the quality of the school. I know it has an excellent reputation and I’m sure DS will be supported academically and in sport.

My worry is more about the bigger picture.
I want DS to grow into a kind, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded adult. I wonder whether being surrounded by boys for the majority of his teenage years means he will miss out on the everyday friendships and interactions with girls that happen naturally in a co-ed environment.

I’ve read quite a lot recently about single-sex education and it has made me think about whether co-ed might have been better preparation for adult life. I don’t want him to just be successful academically and in sport; I want him to understand different personalities, communicate well and have a balanced view of relationships.

At the same time, I feel slightly ridiculous because DS himself is so happy about it. He isn’t worried at all. He’s excited about the houses, the sport, making friends and starting this next chapter.

DH thinks I’m overthinking it. He says DS is the exact type of child who will flourish there and that an all-boys environment doesn’t stop someone becoming a well-rounded person. He also says there will be plenty of opportunities to socialise outside school.
I can see his point. I just can’t shake the feeling that perhaps we have chosen what suits DS’s strengths rather than what might challenge him in other ways.

AIBU to still be questioning whether co-ed would have been the better option, even though DS is excited and likely to do really well?

Would you prioritise a school where your child is likely to excel, or choose one that exposes them to a wider range of experiences?

I would like to hear from parents who have sent their children to single sex schools. I’ve only had boys so it feels very counterproductive to send them all to an all boys school. Maybe I am doing them a disservice.

It’s not blame, it’s just a very particular experience you have socialising only with people who can afford to spend £65k a year on school fees.

I think it is far too late to be thinking this now. He is going in September.

If this was 2 years ago then this is a sensible discussion to have. But it isn’t. It is unlikely that any school that would be acceptable to you will have spaces now. So the decision is not “Radley vs the co-ed version of Radley”. It is “Radley vs an under subscribed sink comprehensive” or “Radley vs a co-ed private school that has places for unknown and slightly worrying reasons as will they be able to afford to keep going for the next 5 years!”

Much easier choice!

Your best bet know is to find summer holiday activities/experiences where he can mix with a wider range of people.

Presumably you can also reassess for Yr12/13.

That’s fine. Why are you posting then?

i’m surprised you don’t understand what I mean by privileged environment

I’m sure your son will get fabulous opportunities by going there. However he’s probably not old enough to understand that growing up surrounded by families who can afford such expensive school fees (and yearly trips skiing) isn’t normal!.Yes it can bring opportunities and probably connections that will put you in a good position for later life but we decided that it’s better for our DCs to grow up learning to muck along with everyone, not just wealthy families. Obviously most private school parents don’t agree with us. But I’m saying that only mixing with wealthy families should be more of a concern than only mixing with boys.

My DDs go to mixed sex but I think there are definitely advantages to single sex education. I don’t think either way is better than the other though, there are just different good and bad points.
I would also add that my DDs haven’t really been close friends with any of the boys since year 1 or primary- friendly yes but not friends. They also spend most of their school years thinking boys are childish and disgusting. So your DS may not necessarily have any friendships with girls anyway if he went mixed sex.
If your DS is excited about his new school I would stick with it and encourage social contact with girls outside of school.

Way too late for this. It's just a wobble, you will pack him off in 6 weeks.

Boarding will have far more impact on his emotional development than whether it's boys only or coed. But it's done, and he'll probably have a whale of a time.

You stared the thread to discuss whether this school will help your son to become a well-rounded adult, but you keep countering posters' thoughts by saying "it's where he wants to go". It may well be, but I don't really see how that's relevant in terms of what you're asking.

Ok, so I don’t think we can really be talking about single sex vs coed in a broad sense, because you’re talking about a full boarding school, which does have more limitations in terms of meeting the opposite sex than a day school.

My husband went to Radley and wouldn’t send his own son. He said that he was bussed to socials at the girls school and on the coach the teachers would try to egg them on to pull girls and make a big deal of the “heros” who did on the way home. He found it quite terrifying as a 14 year old and reflects now that it was quite dehumanising. As was the fagging system. And the communal showers where 13 year olds would shower in the same space (albeit curtained) as 18 year olds. I imagine all of these things have gone now.

When I went to university, the ex public school boys either tended to be quite quiet and low key or absolute nightmares who couldn’t be trusted around women. which might reflect the fact that the system was set up as I have described back then.

However, life is different now. I went to a co-ed school in the 90s, which I absolutely wouldn’t want to send my own child to either and was a hotbed of underage sex, smoking and low standards. I watched things on TV that would now have a warning about sexism. My husband would have had access to other influences, were he at Radley now, as there is a rich online world (for better or worse, but it would have been better for him!). There is more thought going into the pastoral side of schooling than there was.

My husband is a brilliant man. He is kind and gentle - I don’t think this is something he learned at school, in fact, it was a disadvantage and he was bullied for it - but school didn’t change who he was. I think that there is, or was, a lot of emphasis in these boarding schools about “turning out” a certain type of man - that’s certainly how my father in law would think about it. But I don’t think many people see this side of things as wholly delegated to school any more. I don’t know many people who go to full boarding school, only weekly boarding, so I can’t comment on that, but I imagine it’s much more of a shared enterprise now pupils can call or text parents every day.

(We wouldn’t send our children to board full stop, but that’s not what you have asked)

@Hattieeagle I'm assuming your DH is a well rounded kind person and that's why you chose to have kids with him?

So your DS will be fine.

You married and had children with H so presume he is the type of man you think is worthy and he went to Radley. So what’s the issue?

Like you say too late now son is going.

That is the crux of my dilemma.

It’s not where I would pick but he liked the school and wants to go. He has older cousins there who seem to love it. I just wish he’d chosen a different school but at the end of the day it is not my choice it’s how choice what school he’d like to attend and I’m just overthink it, he even had a pros and cons list and had lots of questions to ask when we visited. I just have to accept it and hope that he has a great time we are in Oxfordshire so it’s not far for us to go visit him or take him out for food etc

I see no difference at all between the men I know who went to mixed schools vs all boys schools .

My boys went to Dulwich. Single sex (nor private) wasn’t my first choice but they went there and had a great education and enjoyed their school days. They’ve got female friends at uni, but didn’t know many while at school mainly due to covid cutting opportunities to mix. They are lovely lads (not just me saying that!) and one former pupil doesn’t mean everyone else is the same. Nigel Farage having been a former Dulwich pupil… I doubt there are many of Reform voters there. The libdems won the last mock election when my boys were there.

DS has just left an all boys school (state). It was co-ed in the sixth form. I was a little worried for the same reasons as you OP - he has no sisters either, so its a pretty male environment all round. However he interacted with girls through some out of school activities - Scouts, music - and has now got some female friends. The school itself, after a mauling from Ofsted, is super on top of misogyny and I think has done a good job on that front, as much as a school can.

However, for me the mixed sex outside activities and home life were very important in countering the all-male environment and I am not sure you would get that at a boarding school.

I think so much of how children turn out is down to parenting and howbtheyvare raised, and less to do with school. I went to private school on a 100% scholarship. I was eligible for free school meals and my parents didn't have money. I was just good at music and they wanted me there. I was so different to the kids whose parents paid extortionate fees. I still am now, as are the other two scholarship girls who I am still in touch with now. Appreciate you will have less control with a boarding school though.

I assume you think your DH turned out ok if you married him and had kids?
I agree with others that it’s not the single sex element I’d be worried about, it’s the limited exposure to a diverse socio- economic group.

I went to single sex school, my dd didn’t want to. She’s at a co-ed grammar. She’s thriving and says she likes having boys in her class as they’re funny…. Her school is good in that it separates registration/ form class and sports by sex so she does get the best of both.

My nephew went to single sex grammar school and was bullied quite badly for the first 3 years as he was ‘nerdy’, likely ND, hates sports and gay. It did get better when classes were streamed for GCSE’s and he found more like minded boys.

I think you’ve left this conversation far too late in the day if he’s starting in September.

Dh and I were privately educated at day schools.
We know / socialise with Radley/ stowe / winchester boys /men

Dh and I personally would never sent either child to board (we couldnt easily afford it either 😅) but they are such damaged men.

I do think some children thrive but honeslty it wouldnt be my first choice.

Dd will be single sex and my DS will prob be co ed day schools

Everyone is different the horse has bolted for you so I think id be looking at coed day or boarding 6th forms

My DD didn’t really like most boys in her primary school and found the girls more mature. So very happy with single sex from 11. You just make sure they are discerning about boys and we found the brothers of her friends were pleasant snd still are. It’s family values that are important.

My Som has chosen to go to an all boys secondary school, I’m not concerned about it, they have links to the girl school and he has female friends from primary.
I possibly would have been concerned if he was girl and going to a girls school, I remember having a hard time at a similar age with the girls in my school and naturally hung out with a mixed group of a couple of girls but more boys and they weee just easier to get on with.
My eldest is in a mixed school and often tells us about the drama created by the girls, which then creates problems within the wider groups, he tries to avoid getting sucked into it. An all boys school does seem easier!

Where we live there's a big comprehensive school that's all-white except, I think, for one child. The parents are very affluent and competitive (the end-of-year proms are horror shows, with parents paying for helicopters to deliver their offspring). There's a generally smug mentality, I found.

I worked at a local independent with half south Asian-heritage boys, a quarter black, and the rest Chinese and British Jewish boys and what might be called White British. The parents were by no means all posh - many were taxi drivers (one was a bus driver) or ran very small businesses, such as small shops.

I would consider a single sex day school, as long as DS did lots of extracurricular with girls and spent time with his sisters and female cousins. I would not send DS to an all boys boarding school - I don’t know any men who went to an all boys boarding school who came out unscathed. They are all messed up by it one way or another.

One of my DDs went to a single sex school and the bitchiness was off the scale!

I think it depends on the school and who happens to be there at any one time.

Most single sex schools now have links with schools with children of the other gender for some subjects and socializing.

You’ve asked for the subjective opinions of parents.

If you want some further information and research, you might be interested in this:

https://nepc.colorado.edu/blog/heterogenius