For feeling hurt?

[WhatIsntInAName]

Context - Eldest of 4 siblings (all girls). I'm the oldest by a few years, around a decade between me and the youngest. No falling out I'm aware of, speak regularly. We're all pretty spread out but I'm not the furthest away. I'm not the only one married but I am the only one with children.

Feeling pretty miserable in myself as I've just had a miscarriage so maybe I'm a bit more sensitive than usual but I've just seen a post on one siblings social media looking back on a year of fun.

It's all 3 of my other siblings. Over at least the past year they've been on holidays together (and currently away on a European city break), theatre trips, concerts. I wasn't invited to any of it. None of it mentioned when I've asked them what they've been up to or got any fun plans. I actually asked one sibling a month or two ago if they were free this weekend to go visit them and they said they were busy. Now I know why.

AIBU to just feel really hurt?

I agree with this post. Google 'parentification' as that's clearly what happened to you OP!

I'm an oldest child too and was parentified. I'm only 18 months older than my DSis and yet I was given responsibility for her education as a child.

Parentification happens in dysfunctional families, and it leads to dysfunctional sibling relationships (my sister actually cut me off completely in adulthood, and I'm sure it relates to our psychologically damaging childhood).

The main thing I would say is that you're doing brilliantly. You're 100 percent right not to pander to your parents' demand of Christmas with no spouses. That's a toxic demand.

I like the idea of being honest with your sisters about how you feel about being excluded by them, but be prepared for them to respond unhelpfully (because your whole family dynamic is so fucked up). If one or more of them do choose to acknowledge the fucked up family dynamic and respond to you sympathetically, that's brilliant. But it's also a real possibility that your family dynamic is too toxic and your sisters are too enmeshed in the dysfunction for them to respond well to your concerns.

Whatever you choose to do, just know that it's not you and you have nothing to feel bad about!

You've broken out of your toxic family dynamic (as far as your parents are concerned) and you should be proud.

Apologies, I meant to quote this post in my reply, because I agree with it, but I accidentally posted without quoting.

Honestly, I would be so disappointed in your siblings if I were you. Surely they remember how you looked after them all before you left home at 18. You completely sacrificed having any sort of social life until you left for University and I bet you tried to shielf your siblings from the worst behaviours from your batshit and abusive parents.

The fact that they didn't mention the meet ups in conversations with you means that they were deliberately hiding them, so they obviously knew that you would be upset.

I think that you are the only child of your parents who has inherited no personality traits from your parents. I think that with your sisters, the apple hasn't fallen very far from the tree. They obviously aren't as crazy and as thoroughly unpleasant as your parents but they are definitely selfish and will throw you under the bus in order to keep receiving the lavish presents and financial help from your parents.

It would definitely make me re-examine the relationship you have with your sisters and the help and support that you still give them.

We don't know that. We know only that they've chosen, or indeed, not chosen, a different relationship with parents who sound manipulative and vicious. They may well be stuck in a different part of the FOG cycle, or have decided, consciously or unconsciously, that appeasement is easier for now. The OP herself suggests they 'don't want the fallout.'

I don't think it's fair to view them as just mercenary. We don't know what any of it looks like from their POV. One of the 'punishments' the OP mentions took place when she was 25 and had her own house to retreat to. Her youngest sister would only have been fifteen at this point, and was presumably still living at home and entirely financially dependent on her parents, including an unhinged father who cut off water to the house till she and her sisters did what he wanted. Siblings do not all have the same parents, even when they grow up in the same household, or the same power.

My next sister and I were both victims of CSA. Our parents knew and didn't act to stop it or bring the perpetrator to justice. She no longer sees them apart from maybe twice a year. I see them regularly. Obviously, we respect one another's very different choices, but it would be fair to say that it complicates our relationship.

OP should be extremely proud of herself and try not to get sucked into the toxic dynamics of the rest of her family.

@WhatIsntInAName you are doing the right thing focus on your dc and husband and see your siblings one on one. Ignore the rest, protect yourself. You never know why the post was made and if your parents are behind it to make you feel left out. They will not change keep your distance and don't get sucked in. Do nurture your relationship with your siblings but on your term, be careful they don't back stab you or your dc and dh.

I'm not suggesting otherwise! It's blindingly clear that all four siblings were damaged by an appalling home environment. I'm simply saying that I don't think it's fair, with the information we have, to paint the other three sisters as motivated purely by money in continuing to see their parents.

I think your sisters see you as their Mum (2nd Mum) with children of her own who is way more mature than they are

I'd start a sister whatsapp group (if you don't already have one), explain what you've seen and tell them that it makes you so sad and you feel left out

Ask if it can change

Your parents have done a number on all 4 of you. You’ve been scapegoated by your parents and your sisters’ shame (and arguably their greed) unites them. I would tell your sisters how you feel, in a message, but then focus on friendships and deprioritise family.

I'd accept you're being the only well balanced member of your family and embrace your dh and dc..
Not quite sure why your dc see them though...
My aunt disowned me for turning down her kind offer of me doing Christmas day at her home.

Dd was due Christmas eve. .that wasn't a good excuse apparently..
Her loss.

That’s a fairly unpleasant response actually.

How would you feel if someone said that to you about one of your posts?

Depends whether I’d posted an accurate reflection of what happened or not, wouldn’t it.

You can argue that on every comment that gives a personal example or story. Do you query whether they are ‘reflecting accurately’ too?

If you think she’s lying just report or move on to something else.

Why on earth would I report a poster (not an op) posting what I think probably sounds like a rather exaggerated version of reality. So I ask further. No big deal really.

Awful behaviour. I’d go very low contact, and block them on all platforms. You don’t have to put up with such poor behaviour from anyone.

You organised one of their hen dos this year, but the four of you haven’t been together of 4 years?

God, that IS hurtful. Sorry, OP 😔