For feeling hurt?

[WhatIsntInAName]

Context - Eldest of 4 siblings (all girls). I'm the oldest by a few years, around a decade between me and the youngest. No falling out I'm aware of, speak regularly. We're all pretty spread out but I'm not the furthest away. I'm not the only one married but I am the only one with children.

Feeling pretty miserable in myself as I've just had a miscarriage so maybe I'm a bit more sensitive than usual but I've just seen a post on one siblings social media looking back on a year of fun.

It's all 3 of my other siblings. Over at least the past year they've been on holidays together (and currently away on a European city break), theatre trips, concerts. I wasn't invited to any of it. None of it mentioned when I've asked them what they've been up to or got any fun plans. I actually asked one sibling a month or two ago if they were free this weekend to go visit them and they said they were busy. Now I know why.

AIBU to just feel really hurt?

What happens over Christmas? And on birthdays?

Ah op thats hurtful. Actually I call them out on it years ago it was a charity run. She said oh other sister booked it online.. She is as bad. I havent really trusted them since. I was very hurt though.

Staggeringly horrible, when OP is ten years older, and she’s married with children anyway? Jeez, there are so many drama llamas around.

But you sound as if you feel that means they 'owe' you inclusion, when that's not how it works. I practically raised most of my younger siblings, but I'm close to some and not to others, regardless of my input.

I think it's significant that you didn't tell them about your miscarriage. That suggests a certain level of distance. Which is fine, obviously, but doesn't suggest a level of real warts and all relationship.

Are you close to these sisters?

Yes, 'staggeringly horrible' is paedophile rings or genocide.

From what you have said, this is thoughtlessness because as a group they see you as a parent rather than a sister.

Obviously that is wrong, but it seems to have been the pattern since childhood, due to your parents.

Do you relate to them as a parent figure - give (unasked for) advice, take charge of social situations, etc? Or do you try hard to be more of a peer?

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Maybe when you are feeling up to it, I would speak to them. Not in an accusatory way, but maybe ask the one you are closest to explain. Say you feel hurt. That you don't expect to always be invited, but never invited tells it's own story. All the best.

There are 4 of them. Ten years from eldest to youngest, we aren't talking about a 50yr old with very young siblings. Ok staggeringly horrible is a bit drama llama i do apologise, how about really unpleasant and a bit shit, that do you?

Yes weekend we are. One tends to be the ringleader though. My friend had a similar thing lately photos up. Had been excluded.

Oh, interesting that you say on this thread that you’re close

I feel like you could get your answer really easily with just a single text…just ask them.

That’s just damn bitchy by my standards. No excuses as far as I’m concerned.

I’d feel very hurt too. You can’t make them want to spend time with you but I would remember and next time they wanted help to move or similar, I’d tell them to ask one of the others they invite to the fun stuff because I don’t like feeling used.

I am sorry that you are experiencing this.

It maybe a combination of your being a parent to them, and that you are a parent to your own.

There are many threads on MN where there are friendship groups that have difficulties when one does/does not have children

Not even

We have never holidayed as a 4, we don’t see our big sister on Christmas or birthdays, she doesn’t confide personal stuff to us and we don’t to her - so to suddenly start going on holiday together would be weird?

@Weekendnaughtiness are you talking about your personal situation or in relation to the OPs situation?

Show them this thread or just ask them - just why? Tell them you’re hurt. At least get an answer for yourself.

I am very close to my siblings

my point is… you said no excuse. Surely there’s loads of reasons why they might not invite the op

But who has suggested the sisters rely on the OP for helping with moving, or for any help? She talks about babysitting them etc in childhood, but that wasn't something they asked for! I practically raised my younger siblings, and I certainly don't see it as them owing me friendship in adulthood. I'm close to some but not others, as in most group situations. It's not everyone or no one.

She did say sorry about it. At work we include the group for coffees (school bus). My colleague said leave nobody out of it. In my friends case photos up on fbook. Left her quite hurt

I think @Weekendnaughtiness is responding to the idea that there's 'no excuse' by imagining what the three sisters would likely say.

Do you have someone to watch your children to go to these places or do you bring your kids everywhere with you. If you are available without kids and husband to go on these holidays then speak up and say you would like to come along and have a break from the kids

Thank you for those with constructive comments.

My DH can watch kids no problem. Neither have any issue with the other going on holiday or out somewhere as long as we check with eachother for clashes first.

I have no idea how long its been going on for. I did go to the theatre once with them all 4 years ago but I organised it. I tend to see one or two of them at a time, sometimes if there's a whole family thing then we all get together. Kids are usually involved but sisters ask to see them. If they're staying I offer to drop them at nursery so we can go out and do something and they say no and want to take them out to zoo or whatever.

They all go to our parents house on christmas day. Even the ones who are married go to my parents and their spouse goes to their own parents. My parents 'want all their family on christmas' but that only includes themselves and their children. No spouses or other relatives allowed. I've not been in years but I do make sure I see them all, just not on the day. I do have a relationship with my parents but there are clear boundaries and we're definitely not as close.

I don't think I'm 'owed' a relationship. It was more in response to those asking if they've always been closer to eachother than me. I would say we were and are close, I just had a different role. They do very regularly ask me for help now. Within the past year I've taken time off to take them for medical procedures, I've helped move house, I've planned one of their hen parties, helped them organise an event for one of their spouses, checked CVs, they've asked me to help them prep for interviews. I try to be a peer and only offer advice and help when it's asked for, but it is very much asked for.

Honestly you have nothing to lose by posting a comment that you are hurt about being excluded from every trip and them deliberately concealing them from you.

My girls do things in pairs or all 4 rarely in a 3.

From OPs 2nd post:
I've helped them move house, looked after them following medical procedures, planned events, driven them to and from uni when they reached that stage.