For feeling hurt?

[WhatIsntInAName]

Context - Eldest of 4 siblings (all girls). I'm the oldest by a few years, around a decade between me and the youngest. No falling out I'm aware of, speak regularly. We're all pretty spread out but I'm not the furthest away. I'm not the only one married but I am the only one with children.

Feeling pretty miserable in myself as I've just had a miscarriage so maybe I'm a bit more sensitive than usual but I've just seen a post on one siblings social media looking back on a year of fun.

It's all 3 of my other siblings. Over at least the past year they've been on holidays together (and currently away on a European city break), theatre trips, concerts. I wasn't invited to any of it. None of it mentioned when I've asked them what they've been up to or got any fun plans. I actually asked one sibling a month or two ago if they were free this weekend to go visit them and they said they were busy. Now I know why.

AIBU to just feel really hurt?

Well sure. Anyone can feel hurt about anything.

but the Op is asking whether unreasonable to feel very hurt. And our opinion as to that is surely rather dependent on context and history

Perhaps that is what the op already does
perhaps the relationship is such that if the op was to ask where her invite is… the three of them would be utterly perplexed given the history and context of their relationship

Thanks everyone. To answer some questions.

Yes, I only found out about all these things they've done in that 'throwback' social media post. I knew of none before today. They've intentionally not told me about them. I would have been interested in these things and I can't see how they wouldn't know that. One of them was even only half an hour from me. Had they told me I would have gone and offered to have them all stay at mine before/after.

I know not every sibling needs inviting all the time but its multiple events of all 3 excluding just me and the fact that they've intentionally avoided telling me about them that feels shit.

I thought we all got along well. No falling out, talk regularly. Some of the events include spouses, some just siblings.

Dynamics wise - I guess was different when younger. I'm the oldest my mum stayed home when they were small and went back when youngest was starting primary. From then I was holiday childcare. They were never put in camps etc. When I finished GCSE and was 'optionally' doing A levels I was responsible for school drop off and pick up. If one got sick at school I would get called by my parents to go pick them up. Was that way all the way through to when I left for uni as I went to one a couple of hours away so my parents couldn't continue using me in that way as I literally did nothing other than school and childcare which did cause a big argument between me and parents but I never stopped being around for my siblings. I've helped them move house, looked after them following medical procedures, planned events, driven them to and from uni when they reached that stage.

Is this a recent development. Or always been like this and suddenly you’re not being invited?

Clearly they see you as a parental figure

They don't know about the miscarriage. I can't see why it would be because I have children. I have left them with DH overnight before for work trips, my friends hen do etc.

They’re quite a bit younger than you, and quite possibly see you more as a parental figure than a sibling. It also sounds like you have quite different lives, so have less in common.

The age gap will have a part time to play. There's 10 years between me and my youngest sister and 4 between me and my younger sister. We rarely get together as a 3-some. It's either me and the middle sister or the middle sister and the youngest. It just seems to be the way the relationships work.

What will you do about this, OP? It's horribly hurtful and the sneakiness at the time is nasty, too. Every problem has more than one solution. Do you think you'd all fall out if you simply called them out on it?

I'm afraid I'd have to ask. I'd likely start a group WhatsApp chat and say you've seen that on Facebook and ask if you've upset them that you've never had an invite or even had mention of this stuff when chatting.....

It sounds like you took on a caring role rather than being an equal sibling. Not your fault at all and it doesn't change how hurtful it must be to feel excluded, but it could explain the reasons for it. Tell them how you feel in a non'-confrontational way and go from there.

From your second post setting out how your parents used you for childcare I suspect the root of this is that the younger 3 see you as a parental figure rather than a sibling as you didn’t do sibling type activities with them you were a substitute parent sorting out illness, babysitting etc. This in no way invalidates how you are feeling about being left out of their trips etc. which is hurtful but their behaviour is probably from a sub conscious thought of seeing you as a parental figure rather than sibling and by extension assuming you wouldn’t enjoy what they are doing.

I doubt I'll ask them about it, they've been doing this at least a year, probably longer, so I doubt will change.

I would get it if they were all low 20s going on a girls ibiza clubbing trip so 30yo older one won't want to but it isn't. Only one sibling is under 30 and it's things like a long weekend in Venice or London to go to West end. Very much things I would be into.

There are almost 4 years between me and sibling 2, just under a decade to youngest which I don't think is that extreme an age gap in the scheme of things and if anything I see second youngest the most. Though I can see the parenting may make that gap feel more pronounced. I remember picking up youngest from school when she must have been about 8 as she was ill and the reception asked who I was and she said "sister but she's basically my second mum".

I get people saying they're just a lot closer to eachother than to me, but I guess remembering all the times I held their hair when they had a vomiting bug, looking after them all summer, drop offs, pick ups, cooking, taking them to parks and the seaside once I could drive etc and remained in close contact ever since it feels wrong saying we're not close.

So something like 29, 31, 34 and 38? That’s not an age gap at all.

I would be so hurt by this I’d have a hard time not withdrawing from them all but I know that’s the ‘wrong’ thing to do.

Is there any point talking to them?

You aren’t close enough to tell them about something as profound and upsetting as this.
You are very hurt they’re not inviting you away, but maybe they’d be very hurt to think you don’t confide in them?

So prior to the year they’ve been doing this… you were invited?

Very very close on the ages!

I don't know. Atm if I tried it I'd just cry.

I think thats a bit unfair. My miscarriage is hardly same level as "Hi, who wants to go see wicked on the west end next month?". Lots of people keep fertility related things very private.

That’s appallingly hurtful on their part. I wouldn’t be able to continue in relationship with them without a very big conversation. I’m sorry @WhatIsntInAName

I'm wondering if you go into parental role when with them. Have you posted before? This sounds familiar. My eldest DD is ten years older than my middle DD. The younger one really had to put boundaries in place and push back against my eldest trying to be in charge. Are you able to have fun on their level? There's a reason why you aren't invited and you need to speak to the one who you are closest with. You should ask for honesty and be prepared to listen.

Not normally between sisters, who you are close enough to, to want to go away with.

This.

Do your parents favour these three?

Op this is awful, just so staggeringly horrible to exclude one sibling.

They are so thoughtless to then post about it, they obviously have no clue how shit is to leave you out like this .

Are your parents still around, do they not see it? What's it like when you do attend a family do, do you feel included or a spare part?

Here we go again, Mn melodama. Just because you all have the same parents doesn't mean you're all going to be equally close. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the OP or her sisters, just that they're closer to one another than to her, and everyone is an adult. It's not like one weeping, bewildered five year old being left ouf of the Reception whole class party.