For feeling hurt?

[WhatIsntInAName]

Context - Eldest of 4 siblings (all girls). I'm the oldest by a few years, around a decade between me and the youngest. No falling out I'm aware of, speak regularly. We're all pretty spread out but I'm not the furthest away. I'm not the only one married but I am the only one with children.

Feeling pretty miserable in myself as I've just had a miscarriage so maybe I'm a bit more sensitive than usual but I've just seen a post on one siblings social media looking back on a year of fun.

It's all 3 of my other siblings. Over at least the past year they've been on holidays together (and currently away on a European city break), theatre trips, concerts. I wasn't invited to any of it. None of it mentioned when I've asked them what they've been up to or got any fun plans. I actually asked one sibling a month or two ago if they were free this weekend to go visit them and they said they were busy. Now I know why.

AIBU to just feel really hurt?

And they could comment back “huh? We have never ever holidayed together, we don’t spend Christmas or birthdays together and we aren’t at all close”

So this isn’t something that has just happened over the past year.

You have never ever been on holiday with them
and the last time you socialised them all was 4 years ago at the theatre

No wonder you didn’t tell them very personal news regarding your miscarriage. And no wonder they didn’t invite you on holidays this year

Have you posted before about
your sisters?

'They all go to our parents house on christmas day. Even the ones who are married go to my parents and their spouse goes to their own parents. My parents 'want all their family on christmas' but that only includes themselves and their children. No spouses or other relatives allowed.'

I mean, that's odd in itself. No spouses on Christmas day?!

Your parents have obviously indoctrinated the whole weird dynamic where close rels are excluded and no one bats an eye. Not sure there's much to be done really. All seems v strange.

Had they told me I would have gone and offered to have them all stay at mine before/after.

If you are hosting these twats at your home for dinner and nights then I would put a stop to that right away.

Don’t fall out with them but do ask them diplomatically why you aren’t invited and see if that changes things.

Erm ... I do see all of them regularly, just not all together. I saw 2 of them within the past month, another I asked to go see this weekend but were 'busy' - turns out on this sibling trip I wasn't invited on! We've all settled in different areas of the UK. It's very much not a 'pop over'. Geographically me and youngest are closest. Others live further away and in opposite directions.

I do see them around christmas, just not on the actual day. Birthdays are all pretty close (within 2 months), so we tend to have a whole family meet up and celebrate everyone's birthday at the same time.

True I haven't been on a holiday with them since the family holidays stopped in my 20s but as far as I knew they werent going on any trips together just siblings. Turns out they did but just didn't invite me.

My parents batshittery is a whole other thread. If I bump into anyone from school whether my parents are still that nuts is usually one of the first questions they ask.

I agree with this. Your parents sound, sorry to say this OP, a bit shit. I'd guess that they still hold resentment for you refusing to keep doing their childcare (when your own life got in the way!) and they probably put you down when your siblings and they are all together.

I've no solutions for you, but if it was me I'd not be nearly so ready to help out. I'd be too busy. Do any of them ever offer to help you with anything, or are you still their default go-to person? I think you all have these long-entrenched roles, the three of them are the "fun girls" and you're the "sensible mummy" person.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, be kind to yourself 💐

So this isn’t because they live closer or are very close in age while you are significantly older. It also isn’t because you’re out of sight, out of mind. You have suggested meeting up on these specific weekends and still weren’t told. You’re also not welcome at your parents on Christmas Day with everyone else.

I’d have a huge problem coming back from this. What do you get out of them? Do any of them add anything to your life that they give you? I know you get their friendship etc, but that’s not something they specifically give you, that’s just a by-product. What do any of them specifically do for you?

All correct bar I am welcome on christmas day but DH isn't and I refused to engage in that stupidity even before having kids. Plus my parents despise eachother so christmas is pretty miserable with everyone on egg shells waiting for them to erupt at eachother.

They're my sisters and I love them. And they are good Aunties. Kids always ask to face time them and chat. Have they ever 'done' anything? No, but equally I haven't asked them to. I've been somewhat pathologically independent since I left home at 18 😂.

All correct bar I am welcome on christmas day but DH isn't and I refused to engage in that stupidity

I was definitely counting this as not being welcomed.

And yet you didn’t tell any of them that you were pregnant
and you didn’t tell any of them you had miscarried

How often do they go away together?

Absolutely. DB and zI are close but I did not tell him snd SIL about any of my mcs. After the first one we decided not to tell anyone at all.

Woah… now that is a drip

your dh isn’t welcome??

None of the husbands are though.

They are all still cleerly very close to your parents
and you are clearly not very close at all to your parents

It sounds a lot like your siblings see you in a parental role. I can see it would be hurtful but it doesn’t sound malicious. Just that their relationship with you is different to their relationship with each other. From what you have said your parents were a bit rubbish and you stepped in to be a parent despite not being much older.

so none of these women ever celebrate Christmas with their husbands?

Well, so what, then? You see them all individually, so you have a relationship with each — why not be happy with that rather than trying to push for soneth8ng no else wants?

Where does the Op say none of the sisters husbands are welcome?

At 19.10

They all go to our parents house on christmas day. Even the ones who are married go to my parents and their spouse goes to their own parents. My parents 'want all their family on christmas' but that only includes themselves and their children. No spouses or other relatives allowed

So these sisters aren’t just close, they are incredibly close. They prioritise spending Christmas together and with their parents over their own husbands.

That is very very unusual and indicates they are exceptionally close

Her parents don't let any of their adult children's spouses/partners attend.

OP has said that her parents are batshit. They obviously treated her as a skivvy and live-in nanny/child minder for all her siblings.

My parents are incredibly generous to those who 'follow their rules' and have tantrums that make a toddler look mature when you step out of line. I used to get disowned for a couple months after Christmas when I stopped going. Now they can't do that as they want access to their grandkids. I've asked them before why they still go and don't spend with their husbands and get responses along lines of 'you know how they are', 'its easier to keep the peace', 'they'll cut my phone off'.