For feeling hurt?

[WhatIsntInAName]

Context - Eldest of 4 siblings (all girls). I'm the oldest by a few years, around a decade between me and the youngest. No falling out I'm aware of, speak regularly. We're all pretty spread out but I'm not the furthest away. I'm not the only one married but I am the only one with children.

Feeling pretty miserable in myself as I've just had a miscarriage so maybe I'm a bit more sensitive than usual but I've just seen a post on one siblings social media looking back on a year of fun.

It's all 3 of my other siblings. Over at least the past year they've been on holidays together (and currently away on a European city break), theatre trips, concerts. I wasn't invited to any of it. None of it mentioned when I've asked them what they've been up to or got any fun plans. I actually asked one sibling a month or two ago if they were free this weekend to go visit them and they said they were busy. Now I know why.

AIBU to just feel really hurt?

ETA I now realise that you weren't being serious but expressing OP's parents fucked-up reasoning.

I think you need to read that poster’s follow up post

Edit you did.

TBH what have you got to lose by actually asking the 3 of them why you weren’t invited? I never understand the pussy footing around issues like these? Just ask them

I’d sit with it a bit and get use to it. Then I’d ask (either one or all) my guess is they see you as the grown up and slightly separate from themselves . Or maybe you still parent them now and that’s not the vibe they want when away. But it’s still not kind to leave one out.

It seems like maybe they’ve subconsciously put you into a mum role still, hence not inviting you. Maybe they don’t see you as a peer due to your childhood. Very upsetting though.

'My parents batshittery is a whole other thread'

It's this op. The parents have set the scene with what they think is normal social behaviour. I bet the Christmas day spouse exclusion is just a snap shot of their weird ways. As your siblings have had them as an example then they will think what they do is normal. It won't be malicious, it just won't have occurred to them.

You have to either clearly say 'I'd like to come next time' or just accept it and shrug it off. Hurtful though.

By the sounds of it, they would be perplexed why the op was even asking

Given your update, your parents have caused them to see you as a parent figure instead of a sister. You might as well have a go at communicating this to them.

They go because they want lots of expensive christmas gifts, random cash gifts, many of their bills paid etc and don't want the fall out. Lots of emotional manipulation, disowned, told they're awful children, they're not the kids they raised, don't understand why they're doing this 'when we're a close family', we never want to see you again, can't believe you're leaving me alone with other parent (they despise eachother and have as long as I remember but refuse to seperate). I'm very much used to the script now and don't give a shit.

Batshittery examples include my mum turning up at a friend's 18th houseparty. We're all in the garden having a BBQ when she turns up screaming I have to come home right now as her new exercise bike just arrived and she must go on it now so I have to come home build it for her as my dad is useless and wouldn't do it right. Tried to refuse but was told to go since making that much of a scene. That bike is still sat where it was built unused 20 years later.

Went to my parents house for dads milestone birthday. Arrived day before to stay overnight for plans next day. He opens up the random shit walk in cupboard and orders us to pull everything out and clean it all out and reorganise it as he's sick of it being a mess. Told not happening, he has a tantrum cumulating in several 'punishments' including grounding, and turning the water off at the stop cock until its done. I'm 25. No thanks, left, went to my own house where I pay for absolutely everything myself (and had since 18). I get disowned for missing my dads birthday, others get treated to a multi hundred pound shopping spree the next day.

But given this, why then are you so surprised and hurt that your sisters don't invite you to things? You've chosen very different paths in relation to your parents, which is obviously going to create a barrier. You seem to be focusing on the 'rewards' aspect of their relationship with your parents, but you say yourself there's also considerable emotional manipulation and 'punishments'. You grew up in a fucked-up family, and you and your sisters are (at least currently) dealing with it in different ways -- that may change, obviously. But surely this is a very obvious reason why they don't invite you to things, so it's not remotely puzzling?

Could your parents have threatened to cut your sisters off if they invite you?

I think some of the replies are a little unfair, op, in asking you why you're surprised they don't invite you etc.

And I would have thought the reason you haven't asked them yet is to spare yourself from further hurt and drama.

If it were a case of them simply not thinking of you, then why would they hide their trips from you? I still think you should speak to them about your hurt but appreciate this is likely to be complex than any of us are aware.

Just look after yourself, do what you need to to protect your emotional wellbeing

There's nothing at all 'unfair' about asking the OP why, in view of her updates about the godawful toxic mess of their family dynamics, she's at all surprised her sisters group together and don't invite her to things, when she and they have taken very different routes to coming to terms with their unpleasantly domineering parents. It means the sisters will have completely different relationships with one another from the one they have with the OP, if they're all taking the same position and she isn't. It's one hell of a drip feed.

'You grew up in a fucked-up family, and you and your sisters are (at least currently) dealing with it in different ways -- that may change, obviously. But surely this is a very obvious reason why they don't invite you to things, so it's not remotely puzzling?''

Yes, the batshit <and possibly emotionally abusive> parents have clearly had a greater influence on the 3 younger dc.

Just be pleased you kept your distance op and focus on others relationships. You'll never get the one you want with your weird sibs, sorry .

I guess I don't see having a different relationship with parents as a reason to not invite me. I don't put them in the middle or ask them to back me up. I never asked them to hide anything from them, I never ask them to exclude parents from anything for my benefit.

I'm not estranged from my siblings. In 2026 all have stayed at my house at least twice, just not together. I've visited them. We've all gotten together for wider family events like birthdays, anniversary, wedding etc. We talk/message.

I don't see why its so crazy that if two of them are having a convo and go "hey let's go to London and see X show" and they think ooo let's invite sibling 3 - why can't they invite me as well? Even once!

If its oh we didn't think to invite you then why when you were at my house 2 weeks ago and I asked you if you had any summer plans or trips coming up you said no? Then 2 weeks later I see you're on a European city break with the other 2 siblings?

Sure, but it's not what you think, it's what they think.

OP, I have 4 sisters (I'm in the middle) and we do stuff together, separate, some are closer to others etc. We do get on well but of course we annoy eachother too. I would be very hurt if I was consistently lied too, left out. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but I would message my sis who posted the photos and say something like, I loved all your pics but I feel a bit sad to have missed out on all the fun. DH is always happy to have the kids so it would be great if we can all get together and do something fun soon. See what she replies.

@WhatIsntInAName you are going to have to deal with this, the only question is how. Do you ask them directly why they are excluding you or do you start withdrawing from meeting up with them together and separately. You deserve better as does your husband and your children.

They are disrespecting you and your family as they collude and plan behind your back. As your children get older they will become aware of how you are being excluded, lied to and treated by your siblings. Hardly good role models.
You have come here as it is clearly bothering and upsetting for you. This will not get any better, only intensify. Please don't ignore their behaviour and exclusion. Deal with it.

It’s really hurtful.

However, the family dynamic is clearly weird. You’ve escaped and adopted a ‘normal’ approach. They are still enmeshed.

At a guess, they avoid talking about you in front of each other, because your parents will start winding up about what a bad daughter you are.

I never mention my siblings to my mum, as it just starts a rant. I find it hard remembering what I can and can’t say, who knows what, and occasionally find myself in trouble when I’ve said the wrong thing.

Maybe they feel they each have a separate ’grown up’ relationship with you.

Plan something. Message around, let’s all do XYZ. Who wants to do ABC. Start doing things as a group, even if it’s you organising it. That may shift the dynamic a bit
💐

This reminds of the thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5557873-my-son-is-treated-like-an-outsider-by-his-own-siblings-and-its-breaking-my-heart?page=1

with 4 siblings and one being left out.

But in your case, it's' clear your parents exploited you, I am so sorry. Activities could be because you have dc and they don't.

read your other posts.

Your parents are fucking mental abusive cunts.