For feeling hurt?

[WhatIsntInAName]

Context - Eldest of 4 siblings (all girls). I'm the oldest by a few years, around a decade between me and the youngest. No falling out I'm aware of, speak regularly. We're all pretty spread out but I'm not the furthest away. I'm not the only one married but I am the only one with children.

Feeling pretty miserable in myself as I've just had a miscarriage so maybe I'm a bit more sensitive than usual but I've just seen a post on one siblings social media looking back on a year of fun.

It's all 3 of my other siblings. Over at least the past year they've been on holidays together (and currently away on a European city break), theatre trips, concerts. I wasn't invited to any of it. None of it mentioned when I've asked them what they've been up to or got any fun plans. I actually asked one sibling a month or two ago if they were free this weekend to go visit them and they said they were busy. Now I know why.

AIBU to just feel really hurt?

Your tone and responses to OP are really mean and condescending.

OP has obviously been a lovely older sister to her younger siblings and pretty much played a parental role for them from a very young age, meaning that she had no life apart from school and childcare for her sisters until she went to University.

It isn't as though she has a very distant relationship with them so she was just shocked to realise that all of her siblings have holidays and trips out together which all have completely excluded her. It's perfectly reasonable of her to feel hurt.

Do you think that your mother encourages your siblings to take these trips and holidays that exclude you? Despite (or probably because of) the fact that you actually did their job of parenting your sisters, they obviously bitterly resent the fact that you don't follow their ridiculous rules and therefore could be encouraging your exclusion out of revenge?

This comment makes me wonder if your parents have been paying for their trips. Incredibly generous to those who follow their rules, could that include a weekend in Venice for the three who tow the line? Would they enjoy the added bonus of the one who doesn't tow the line being excluded?
You really should let them know how you feel. You may get excuses or you may get an apology, explanation and changes.

When I got to ‘they’ll cut my phone off’ this is exactly the thing I thought too.

How utterly pathetic of them if this is the case.

(sorry OP, you said you love them but I’m struggling to see any reciprocation here to be honest)

Now they can't do that as they want access to their grandkids
And they are good Aunties. Kids always ask to face time them and chat

But how does anyone express their love to you?

Yup. Not nice.

I could be wrong, but I doubt it is as direct of here is money for you 3 to do something but you must exclude me. But they definitely pay for stuff that would give them extra disposable income to pay for this stuff.

OP it does sound very hurtful, would you consider speaking to any of them about it? Mentioning you have seen the pictures on their social media and straight up asking if there is a reason you weren't invited as you would have loved to join them?

It does sound very much like you were pushed into a parental role for the other three though and I do wonder if this has something to do with it and they maybe see you more in that role even though you are only a few years older.

I do think you should mention it as it will eat away at you. But I would be prepared to step back on all the ongoing support they seem to ask for if they haven't got a reasonable explanation for leaving you out so often.

And sorry about your miscarriage, take care of yourself 💐

So you’re saying all three sisters spend every Christmas together with their parents and not their husband just for financial reasons?

Op, you’re avoiding explaining why you can’t just ask them/ confront them about it.

This is heartbreaking, im so sorry op. I think you should speak to them about it,because it's not going to be worse is it

I said before, I doubt it will change anything. They've clearly been doing this a long time.

If they don't want me there I don't want to try force my way in where I'm not wanted. It just hurts that I'm not wanted there.

But it would let them know how you feel, though. It would open the door to a conversation. You're allowed to feel hurt by this, even if you aren't asking for anything to change. Are you worried they would react badly to you bringing it up?

Apologies, I've only read your responses but not the full thread.

Given your upbringing it sounds like your relationship with your sisters has been parentified. There is only 3 years between my sister and I, our relationship is irrevocably changed by it.

Your sisters love you and value you in their lives by the sounds of it but more like a parent. They wouldn't invite your mum on these trips either. Your relationship with them has likely been impacted too whether you realise it or not. Perhaps not sharing your recent miscarriage and seeking support is a symptom too.

I don't know what you should do, I didn't do the 'right' thing as my sister and I are no contact now. However, if it's hurting you and you want to know why - they're the only people that can tell you.

My suggestion, if you have a group chat with just them, is to share the post, explain that you're sad and that you'd love to be more involved in the future. That would take a level of vulnerability that I know is difficult but I think resentment will build otherwise.

I wish you luck OP.

Well they probably discuss it at Christmas!

You didn’t do the job of bringing your sisters up very well because you seemed to think going to university was more important. Then you don’t bother doing Christmas properly because you seemed to think to think spending that day with your husband, and then your husband and children was more important. How better to express their displeasure than by excluding you?

Hi mum, how you doing? 😂

It's pretty obvious you grew up in a hugely disfunctional family, and this new discovery is just another thread of that. Of course you are hurt, but I'd try to focus on the fact that you have largely escaped unscathed by the sound of it. You need to put all your family members into a box labelled "people who hurt me but who I love regardless" and carry on building your own lovely life outside of them.

First of all I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. 💐

You are entirely within your rights to feel hurt that you’ve been left out like this. It sounds as though your sibs have a very unhealthily enmeshed relationship with your parents, understandably given what you have said about how batshit, controlling, and manipulative with money your parents seem to be. If an adult child is saying they can’t go low contact with a parent because their phone will be cut off, that’s a pretty fundamental inability to be independent.

That enmeshment is bound to extend to the way they see you including if your parents regard you as the scapegoat for asserting your independence. It seems very likely that your parents are behind the trips in the sense of contributing financially, doubtless for their own twisted reasons of “putting you in your place”.

If your siblings accept the money and go on the trips it doesn’t necessarily mean they agree with your parents or don’t love and care for you. It sounds like they are so hopelessly deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that they can’t really see clearly, or break away. That’s not their fault as such. It’s a consequence of how your parents are,
and the dysfunctional relationship they are all in. It can be incredibly hard to break free of that.

You have done, which is an
amazing and brave achievement for you, your husband and kids. But sometimes the consequences of others not having done so can get to you. That’s what this is. It’s not you and it’s not really even your siblings. I hope you find peace however you decide to deal with this.

Nooo, that’s my possible interpretation of how your parents see it!

Sometimes people aren’t even aware of how they see it particularly, it just comes out in their actions - the money and discussions are possibly at Christmas, ‘not to exclude you of course’, but the fact is all this could happen at any time, but it doesn’t. Your sisters are very aware of it, otherwise they would have told you. The one who you wanted to see on one of these weekends would have said ‘oh that sounds great but I can’t because I’m going to Paris with Anna and Beatrice’. Isn’t that a natural thing to say?

Hi, I'm sorry, that IS very hurtful. I can relate. My husband is the eldest of 4 and his parents were often ill when they were children and then his mum died when the two youngest were still at school and his dad kind of checked out. So my husband was their parental figure.

And they do things together and they don't invite us.

We always had everyone over for Christmas. They never invited us, though tbf they don't have the room or the wherewithall to host.

So we do accept that we are seen as quasi parents and they just don't want to hang out with us.

When our nephew, who lives abroad, came over for a few days last year they all met with him and no one told us.

I feel it's very unfair on my husband, who is upset but won't upset the apple cart.

Hugs xx

@WhatIsntInAName

@NoCommentingFromNowOn was being somewhat facetious but supportive, was my take on it tbf.

and your post WhatIsntInAName · Today 20:34, is also totally illuminating and explains a hell of a lot about the dynamics between the three and your parents.

It seems you may well just be the unicorn of the family then @WhatIsntInAName and whilst that is not a salve for your hurt, to my mind, is one to cherish. 🦄

You are clearly upset about their behaviour and this will only keep festering and getting worse if you don't address it. Your sisters sound selfish and immature, bending to your parents rules rather than growing a backbone.

You don't have to make a huge issue of it, a simple comment underneath their post such as 'you all seem.to.have had a lovely time'. That let's them know you are aware of your exclusion. Their responses will be interesting if there are any.
They are also not great Aunty's. How long before your children start to.notice how they treat you? They use you and disrespect you. Good and useful.to.have around when they need help and support. They remember you and who you are when it suits but not for the fun and nice things. The sneaking behind your back and secrecy tells it's own tale. No respect and not a care that their actions may be hurtful. Withdraw your support, don't be so readily available. Concentrate and prioritise your own family unit.