AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

Shame on you and shame on your husband. Knowingly having an affair with a married man. No respect for your fellow womanhood. Shame on you

I think context is everything. If you were in a miserable marriage and you were being controlled and you met someone lovely who cared about you and you therefore started having an affair , that' s forgivable and very different from being a person who is looking for a bit of fun on the side and deceives and lies to an innocent partner. Both scenarios could be labelled ' affair' but one is ok and the other isnt imo. Affairs are mostly bad but not in every case.

‘Fellow womanhood’ 😂

Why do threads like these make people so cross?

No, it depends on the people. Many people on Mumsnet would prefer that relationships that begin this way will fail. They have their reasons. But it varies. One could just as easily say all marriages that began right after graduation from uni are doomed because the couple are too young and don’t know anything about life. Once again, some of those marriages last and some don’t. Same with couples who come from different cultural and/or religious backgrounds. It’s honestly a bit of a mystery. And also honestly, it’s no one else’s business.

I don't think it's about fellow womanhood, just general human decency.

I imagine generally people are negative towards OPs on threads like this because affairs frequently cause a great deal of long-lasting pain and harm, often affect children very adversely, and generally are an unethical, unnecessary thing to do.

If someone came on Mumsnet and said they had defrauded a friend out of a large sum of money many years ago when they were in their mid-20s and 'delusional', but thanks to that money they're now rich and living happily and wouldn't change a thing - and it's okay, because their ex-friend eventually recouped the loss, and is now happily financially secure - I doubt they'd get a very warm reception!!

This is no different, in principle.

Of course some affairs work out. I do find that the majority of them tend to gloss over the start or romanticise it, as if someone else’s pain was just the price that needed to be paid for their great happiness.

My brother has been married to his AP for 20 years. On the surface it looks like a happy ending for them, although I know that the relationship he has ended up in (controlling, lots of debt, lots of kids) is not the one he thought he was signing up for (free and easy, financially comfortable, no more kids). And then there’s the previous wife of ten years and the toddler and newborn that he walked out on. Their lives didn’t change for the better.

Sometimes it can work out. He did sleep with you very quick so I doubt he has much restraint, you are both busy raising four children now, who knows what the future holds. I couldn’t trust a man who was married and so quick to cheat, it wasn’t like he fell in love immediately, he was happy to have a fling. If anything children put a strain on relationships.

What do you want from this post? You seem happy with your life and life decisions - have you come to gloat that - having an affair worked out well for you? Do you know how many women on MN have been cheated on by men like your husband? What’s wrong with you - read the room. You’re happy. We get it. Hooray for you - poster woman for affairs. What do you want us to say?

Yes it seems some affairs do work out. I’m genuinely interested though - do you/others in same situation think about the damage you caused/left behind by your choices? Do you feel justified because you have a good life together? Do you ever feel guilty or does it bother you? How do you feel when you think about the spouse that was cheated on or the children involved? Does it bother you at all that the lives of others have been smashed or diminished or is it a case of winner takes all? Genuinely interested to know.

She said that she likes the way her life turned out and that they’re happy. And that she wouldn’t change anything.Seems enthusiastic enough.

A post like yours, OP, brings on the Mumsnet sharks. They smell blood in the water. They can’t tolerate you saying you have a happy life. They believe you should be denied that. Moreover, they believe you must express opera level regret, remorse, shame, and guilt. But if you sincerely expressed those feelings, (which you haven’t because you don’t feel them) they’d probably not believe you. You will never achieve any level of redemption from them. Posters who had unfaithful partners and suffered betrayal and trauma cannot be expected to not find your post triggering. It opens wounds. You can’t blame them for their anger and heated responses. So, just a few things to keep in mind.

Well you are proof that it can work. What you can’t measure is the hurt caused to his wife.

I know my NDN got divorced in 2024 and married her current husband in 2025. Obviously desperate to move on ASAP and not be living in sin (since 2020 when they got together whenshe was still married to someone else with a 4yo, 6yo and 8yo). Who's got time to play away with three young DC?

People meet in all sorts of situations and given that most people are partnered at any one time of course some of them will be taken when that happens. I know of several very long term couples where the affair became their forever partner. I don't judge because it's none of my business. But to answer your actual question, no I do not think all affairs are doomed and in fact at least in my own small sample pool, they often become long term.

I know it's controversial but I very much agree. A good friend of mine was in this exact situation. I was ecstatic when I heard she had met someone else and that person did help her escape and I really believe saved her life. This is why I don't like to judge other people's life choices especially if I don't know them very well.

I read an article recently about millenials being in unhappy marriages but being unable to afford to split up. I feel as though it will become more common due to the cost of housing the couple separately and logistics around kids. That some people who know their marriage is dead will have an affair and keep it quiet until they have a solid new relationship to jump to. Not very ethical but I can see how it happens.

As to whether these new relationships endure, I don’t think any of us have a true and complete picture, because a lot of relationships probably have overlaps that people simply keep quiet about because of the judgement.

When it’s been people I know well, when I found out after the fact, they were deeply unhappy in their marriage for years, and the new couplings lasted, until old age and death in one case.

In France affairs seem more socially acceptable and I wonder why that is. Is anyone French who can comment on the thread?

I find it mind boggling. The foundation of the relationship is based on infidelity.
From the minute it starts a fundamental boundary is already blurred because you know that person is happy to cross that line.
I imagine one or both people must permanently be looking over their shoulder especially after the honeymoon period.

My mum was the OW (obviously my parents didn’t tell us that way but we have half siblings from his first family so we connected the dots). Happily married for 40+ years.

I REALLY don’t get these posts. Of COURSE some relationships that start as affairs are successful! I have one within my own extended family that I could pull out to justify this viewpoint.

But the simple fact of the matter is that research shows it’s highly unlikely to be successful after 5 years. The statistics are dire. And are easily found with a search, added to that the fact that if you’ve cheated your 3-4 times more likely to cheat in a subsequent relationship than someone who hasn’t and you can kind of see why.

It works for some couples. It doesn’t for the VAST majority. With those odds I’d stay away from married men, if looking for a life partner if you’re a pragmatic. If you have a moral compass I wouldn’t involve myself in the abuse of another woman.

@Annoyingsib "Of course some affairs work out. I do find that the majority of them tend to gloss over the start or romanticise it, as if someone else’s pain was just the price that needed to be paid for their great happiness."

^ I've seen a lot of this.

Basically it's a lack of empathy, coupled with entitlement issues.

Also it depends what your measurement of success is, when you say "work out". Longevity of a relationship is not a measure of happiness IMO.

This. It’s such a bizarre post. And then the op being incredulous when her position is challenged.

Fancy being asked to consider any damage or pain she might have caused others. Oh but this happened TO her. She was passive. 🙄

Glad you’re happy op but really, do try to understand that your experience and life joy isn’t the only perspective.

People will often say “If you’re unhappy you should just leave rather than have an affair” but to be honest, it makes zero difference.

I met DH at work and we became friends. He was married and I was single. And we were genuinely just friends, he was never flirty and I didn’t fancy him. But our friendship grew closer over time and one day we hugged and I knew something had changed, even though it would have just looked like a quick innocent hug to anyone else.

The next time I saw him he told me he’d gone home and told his wife that he’d fallen for me, and left. He wanted to be with me. I was actually really pissed off that he’d put me in the middle of all this drama even though I had strong feelings for him too. Absolutely nothing sexual had happened between us at this point.

I told him that if his marriage was definitely over, then leaving his wife was the right thing but he shouldn’t do it for me because I couldn’t give him any guarantees. But if he was in any doubt, he should try and work on his marriage and forget about me. He saw a therapist and got together as a couple a few months later.

We’ve been married for 20 years, but I’ve still always been labelled as the OW and his exW understandably hates me. I don’t think people are any more forgiving even when there technically hasn’t been an ‘affair’.

As an issue I wonder how many times the OW has started a thread that she was devastated when her man cheated again, I remember Anthea Turner being heart broken when she was cheated on by her ex Grant for example. The trouble seems to be it is a case of Once a cheater he will be more likelier to cheat again..

If someone cheated WITH you how can you be sure they wont cheat ON you, after all they've done it before!

Personally i value trust and openness the most in a relationship so it wouldnt work for me. If others have fair enough, the years together dont lie I guess, but I cant help wondering if they really can ever fully trust each other deep down

So your male friend hugged you, you both (I assume?) wordlessly indicated you felt chemistry, and then without even speaking to you, he went straight home and told his wife he'd fallen for you, so was leaving her?

I mean, you're not at fault here, but I'm amazed you ever gave him a chance after he deliberately threw you under the bus in order to try to make you the one to blame for him leaving his wife, and also made it seem very suspicious, as though you'd been having an affair. What a dick move.