Am stunned by the comments about nannies and OP’d DH managing alone.
[Disclaimer - am bored my DH is away on business and I could be doing the ironing, but I am whiling away the last 10mins fathoming out the income/debt issue. I have AuDHD so fell down the rabbit hole].
Basing this back-of-the-envelope calculation on friends and local property market in the London/Surrey&Hants borders/commuter belt and local private schools.
If net pay is £10kpcm, then gross salary is around £200k pa. Am going to assume it is.
On that basis I am going to assume they have a london/SE 3-4 bed property, probably worth £1.2-1.5m, on which there is likely a significant mortgage. As both are in their 30s, and no inheritance has been mentioned, I am going to guess that an outstanding mortgage debt is likely in the region on £800k. Repayments will be approx £4000pcm at present rates.
On DH’s salary, nursery place funding would not have been available, and the likelihood is that DC1 attended the nursery linked to the school as this is the norm where I live. Local to me this is around £75 per day. Full time, fees would have been £13.5k pa; will assume only part time, so maybe only £6k (£500 pcm). Y1 private school fees near me range from 14-16000pa, before school uniform, day trips, theatre visits and extra curriculars, etc, so this will increase on average by an additional £1000pcm, from the current £500. Assuming DC2 isn’t about to start nursery also? If so, then potentially a another £1500 pcm to find from September (not fees paid termly and usually in advance however].
They probably run two cars - so even if one is a paid off old banger there is still likely to be £500pcm in car finance. If not more. Add fuel poss another £200pcm
Council tax in commuter belt for a 4bed exec house is around £3500pcm, so £325pcm
Add £400 pcm for water, electric, gas
Commuting to London: from most towns near me an annual pass to London is £4500, so £375 pcm.
So we are at £6000pcm outgoings currently, rising to £7000 or £7500 when school fees replace or get added on top of nursery fees.
And this is before: food, clothing, credit card debts, landline/broadband, netflix subscriptions, toiletries, children's clothes/shoes, adult clothes/shoes, hair cuts, dentist, prescription charges, insurance (car and household), any car servicing/MOT - easily another £2000, taking this up to £9000-9500pcm.
I have no idea, looking at this, why OP thinks they could ever have afforded private school at all, unless there are bonuses, and OP’s DH certainly cannot afford a nanny in her place - a young nanny for 40hrs per week on national minimum wage costs £26,000 (plus you are required to pay NI stamps, and in fact they earn more than this obviously). There is no way OP’s husband can find the additional £2500 pcm to cover that given those figures should anything happen to OP.
And it is absolutely totally explainable how his debt has wracked up - personal spending, meals at work, family holidays for 2 weeks a year, Christmas, meals out. Times that by 3-4 years, on a card charging 29.9% interest and it is easy to see where debt built up.
Essentially, DH could not afford to have a SAH wife long term given where they likely live in the SE.
I posit that both OP and her DH have been living in cloud cuckoo land. OP has had no idea what his income covers because she cannot see outgoings, and DH for some unfathomable reason has never sat down and shown her the outgoings v his income. Whether he’s been embarrassed to explain that, good though his salary is on paper, it goes nowhere in the SE. He should have made it clear that private school was not viable, that she would need to start planning to return to work in some capacity at some point.
The fact that OP’s response was, if he quits AIBU to divorce him would suggest that he knows or feels that she is only interested in what he brings to the table financially - not him or his well-being. I think he’s been too scared to level with her precisely because he feared she would leave - only they now are on the the point where he cannot cope with the stress of his job on top of the financial commitments he cannot meet. I think he feels like an abject failure because je cannot give her the luxury life and private school educations she hankers for. They are both in a mess of their own making - but, essentially, private school cannot happen. And I’d suggest that, actually, downsizing to a 2 bed flat may be their only option. Plus some marriage counselling where they learn to speak openly and honestly.
So… going to go and do that ironing now. Maybe get myself a kitkat and put netflix on.