Mil stepping on my toes in small ways

[Itsablondebobkindaday]

I would really love some opinions here. I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable because I suspect I am being a little touchy and this is very much sweating the small stuff. There’s nothing big where I feel like I’d be justified in saying anything. It’s a lot of little things but it’s really getting me down. So it’s a mil one. Me and dp have a four month old. She’s dp’s only child and the only grandchild for his mother. Mil obviously dotes on dd but it is becoming overbearing and little things are adding up and making me quite annoyed. She’s very opinionated and believes her opinions are right. Truthfully I find her quite disrespectful of anyone else’s feelings or opinions.

She’s started asking to have dd for the day on her own. She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree. I’ve realised after seeing some pictures from the first time that she’s got a full set of clothes for her that she’s obviously keeping at hers and changing her into as soon as she gets to hers. The lovely outfits I put her in come back barely worn in the changing bag along with all the spares I’ve packed. I can’t help but feel like she’s been seen as a little doll to play dress up with.

My next niggle was regarding car seats. She lives not far off an hour away and it’s mostly motorway driving. Therefore I was extremely selective about what car seat I bought while pregnant and explained to dp that I wanted this car seat used until she’s outgrown it as it has an excellent safety record. Mil has bought her own which I wasn’t made aware of until she turned up with it. It’s not as safe as ours and I’m upset that something I put a lot of thought into and wanted my daughter to use is discarded without so much as a word about it to me. I get that eventually she would have had to get one for her car but I was hoping it would be when dd was a bit older and more solid and that maybe the choice was at least run by me first.

Dd has a dummy. I know many people don’t like them but I have several children who have all had one and no teeth issues. I also like that there’s research suggesting they may slightly protect against SIDS. Mil despises dummies and pretty much told us that dd wasn’t having one. This has led dp to hide the fact we use one until he accidentally posted a photo with it in sight. Mil was not happy about this. I’m concerned of her ever having dd overnight because I know she will let dd scream all night rather than just give her the dummy.

I’m prepared to hear I’m being precious first born about the previous issues (even though this is far from my first!) but this one has got to me. I really don’t like cold water sterilisers and Milton. I personally believe if we can sterilise a bottle without chemicals why would we want to use them. Mil is the total opposite and doesn’t believe things are clean unless there chemically sterilised. When she was a few days old I did use Milton to sterilise to appease her and dd exorcism style projectile vomited her whole feed up. A week later mil was down and we tried again and the same thing happened which led me to conclude that she was better with steam sterilised bottles. Anyway the last two times mil has had dd, the following day she’s been vomiting large quantities up which I’ve found strange. Then dp let slip that mil doesn’t use the bottles we provide. She has her own which knowing her have been sterilised in Milton. While it’s such a tiny thing it’s really bothering me. It’s the one thing I have actively stood up and said to her I don’t like and she’s decided my feelings on it do not matter and done it anyway.

I learnt this morning that she now has her own stroller for dd at her house for when she’s old enough to use it. Again, a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but why is she so adamant to not use anything that I’ve carefully chosen for my daughter. I’m actually starting to question if she thinks my things aren’t good enough.

Dd came back from the last trip bathed and with all her cradle cap scrubbed off. She was bathed the night before so didn’t need a bath but I accept that she could have vomited/had an explosive poo. Dd doesn’t have bad cradle cap to begin with but I wanted it to fall out naturally because when I used products on her sibling lots of her hair came out with it. I had explained this.

Sorry that was long! I’m just feeling really down about it and then I feel pathetic for feeling down about it. None of it is awful. None of it feels worth causing an argument over but I don’t like feeling upset about it. I’m also somewhat concerned what the future is going to look like and the potential for this to become a bigger problem.

If it were me I'd explain that I've my own way of caring for baby and things aren't what they used to be
And she has to stop undermining you
Because the car seat incident especially was both uncalled for and highly dangerous
And if she doesn't like it
Then tough; no lookey-see for her until she learns restraint
And as for the doedoe
My eldest lived with one clamped firmly in her mouth
And has the straightest teeth in the family

This!

Get rid of the car and then it's much harder for him to take baby away.

Its clear he's not going to be willing to learn how to be a good parent then.

And you asked him to leave but he refused on the basis that you needed to give him YOUR car! Well done for saying you'll report it stolen if it leaves with him - make sure you follow through on this. It sounds like you're doing a great job of starting to stand up to them both.

He sounds like a complete user who's as bad as his mother. Hold your nerve and absolutely do not marry this idiot. What are your other children learning about families and romantic relationships from all his & MIL's dysfunction?

None of those things in isolation is awful but together they paint a picture of a disrespectful MIL TBH if she was mine shed stop going round

Yabu to send a 4 month old away for 10 hours if you don’t want or need to. The clothes, pram etc not an issue but if you suspect Milton makes her I’ll tell mil she’s not to use it at all. Better yet don’t send your tiny baby away.

You need to have confidence in your choices and be clear what you're comfortable with and not comfortable with. Not in a big argument just calmly say things like "I'm not ready for overnights yet." Hiding the dummies like it's wrong is completely the wrong approach.

Absolutely not!

At 4 months old my husband didn’t even have my son alone for that long! You can just say no. With no need for an explanation.

Set boundaries. If they are ignored, unsupervised visits will not continue. You are the parent!

I am so angry on your behalf! So sorry that you are being put in this position, but do not allow it.

Once again, thank you everyone.

He hasn’t replied to any of her messages. Last I heard was she had text him along the lines of ‘I’ll take that as a no then????!!!!!’. I have asked him to call or text her back like I ask him to do most weeks. He mostly ignores her existence. It’s a strange dynamic. He doesn’t seem to like her much and he’s adamant she feels the same about him but he’s also terrified of upsetting her. He does agree with me that dd is way too young to be away overnight. He said it’s not happening before I had to open my mouth so that’s something.

We ended up having a really bad argument yesterday where I was in tears for most of it. I was probably too over emotional and knew I was overreacting but couldn’t stop myself. It was mostly about how I feel duped about the marriage stuff and how his hobby takes most of his money. I explained that when he said about going to look at rings I felt like a proposal was imminent. I’ve felt taken for granted and taken advantage of for a while and when he said that I felt like maybe he does ‘see’ me and the effort I put into this relationship. Then when it dawned on me that he has no money and no way of buying this ring I felt a little bit heartbroken. Also the hobby. Not to be too outing but it’s collecting a certain thing. Most of the time he doesn’t open these things as they go up in value. He’s got several that he has no interest in so I suggested that if he’d really meant it he could have sold these things for a ring. This went down like a lead balloon although I admit I shouldn’t have made a point suggesting he sell his stuff.

Anyway to answer some questions. He moved into my home and it’s completely in my name. He doesn’t pay towards the rent but I’ve never minded that. He pays half of the three main bills, so his contribution to the house has been £220 a month up to now but I’ve told him he needs to pay half of the car costs as well. I pay for all the main food shops but he will pick things up I’ve forgotten from the shop. We have had many conversations about him being tight with money. For instance, he’s been short on the council tax twice because he’s overspent on his hobby. All big baby costs were left for me to cover, etc, the travel system, her bed. Day to day if we go out it would usually be me left covering any treats like eating out or a coffee. He had been a bit better with that since I pointed it out and told him how unhappy I was with it. It just all feels a bit unequal.

I really don’t think the plan was to take dd to see mil on beach day. She has a very full on job and she was definitely working until late that day. There’s only one day where she’s available and it’s the day when she’s been having dd over.

Also when mil heard about dp taking the baby out by himself after work and leaving me with the stress of bath time on my own she was very much on my side. She pointed out that she would have been furious if his dad had done that to her when he was little.

well its up to you but NOTHING you have said makes me feel that, in your position, I wouldn't get rid of the car and the bloke. Hobbies ABSOLUTELY come second to family responsibilities and to your (reasonable) wish for an engagement ring......but honestly what does he bring to the party?

Oh lovely. He is seriously taking severe advantage of you.

Write down the pluses and the minuses of your relationship with rigorous honesty. Then try to look at them as if they were about a friend's relationship.

I know you love him, but please consider the possibility that he is using your love for him.

He pays £220 a month 😱 what am I reading here
I was going to ask why you are putting up with this but dont want you to feel worse, you sound depressed, have you seen your GP at all?
It sounds like this post partum time has been a bit crap compared to your others

You have described your partner as a cocklodger!!

£200 a month contribution and you pay for everything including the car you can't even drive?!?!??

You need a sanity check here!

Wait so if he works full time on minimum wage he’ll take home around £1800 a month, so he’s spending £1500 and more on his hobby every month? Is he collecting gold?

He really did miss a fundamental development stage living with his mum and then moving straight in with you. He is utterly oblivious to his immaturity and the expense of life and parenthood.

Where is his dad? Is he still around, or is that part of the guilt he seems to feel, that he left his mum alone to live with you?

Being generous for a moment, is he her victim as well? Would he go to therapy to unpick his inability to stand up to her and support you?

It might be worth a read of out of the fog and see whether it resonates with how she has treated him. You are now on the receiving end, so it may resonate for you too.

Only you can say if he is common or garden variety cocklodger or whether there is anything here to be salvaged. Either way, I would be reluctant to kick him to the kerb immediately as he will be off back to live with her and insisting on your daughter visiting them there.

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

This!

The thing is you can’t argue with him about the money situation. I’ve tried. Over and over. He’s very resentful that I have more money a month than he does but he doesn’t take into consideration that my outgoings are so much higher too.

He works between 30/35 hours a week so I’d say on average he earns around £1300. His only outgoings are the £220 he gives me, the car starting from next month and £80 for a debt recovery plan. With the rest he buys a lot of snack food for himself, he smokes so spends money on that and picks up bits I’ve forgotten from the food shop. Then he saves money for his hobby. There’s usually a release every 4-6 weeks and depending on how interested he is in that release he could spend between £100-£350.

All big baby costs - he is indeed a big baby who's spending family money on toys. Ask him if he genuinely thinks it's fair that your baby can't have X, Y or Z because he's spending it on (e.g.) Lego.

You may have a MIL problem, but you definitely have a DP problem.

Jesus Christ.

Your child is vomiting after Milton exposure. This surely makes you wonder if she has an allergy??? Yet your MIL continuing to use it is just one ‘little thing’ amongst many.

You read research about dummies ‘protecting’ against SIDS but your partner SMOKES, by far the biggest risk factor.

You’ve taken on finance for your boyfriend, with all the risk that entails, whilst you have FIVE children depending on you to make sensible financial choices.

I am so so tired of reading posts like this in which people absolutely fucking up their children claim their kids are ‘my whole life’ etc..

You were mad to bring this man into your children’s lives. Step up and get rid of him.

Oh dear it doesn’t get any better. Poor you.

What a pathetic excuse of a man. God fling him out. Why are you wasting your time with him? He just ignores his mother. Doesn't even cover his own costs at your house. He's a teenager. And I bet his hobby is trainers, typical teenage boy that thinks he's all that hobby.

Fling him out, send the car back, honestly just foolish to buy him a car, just get ton with your life. He is literally contributing nothing but upset to your life. Your baby is too young to be away from you or even know who he is, so do not worry yourself about contact, it isn't affecting her at all, he can take you to court for contact. Put in a child maintenance claim.

Please say she has your last name?

I would think very carefully about wanting to marry this man - at least in the current setup you could walk away with your house and financial security in the future if you need to, but once you’re married he’s entitled to half and that risks your child’s future.

Of course you can argue with him about the money situation! He is paying £220 per month for all his living expenses, i.e. for a roof over his head, all bills and food and you have just bought his a car and he won't even give you a lift.

He is massively taking the piss and you are letting him get away with it. You need to make him contribute his fair share of living expenses and if he won't do that, you need to tell him to leave.

He is selfish and immature and he comes with the baggage of his overbearing mother. Honestly, I can't see any positives of you staying in a relationship with him.

You are obviously an experienced mother and you will be able to manage perfectly well without him.

This seems a bit unfair. Also I have four children.

I will explain why I was so willing to finance the car. My major reason is concern about emergencies, in particular the speed of getting my children to a&e or the doctors should they ever need it. The nearest a&e is two 40 minute bus rides away and that is without considering the 20 minute walk to the bus station. The other reason is I wanted to be able to take them on days out without the hassle of busses. Not every nice place around here is on a bus route and I didn’t want them missing out. I was very adamant that the car needed to be affordable and only allowed cars up to a third of the finance I was actually offered. I would learn to drive in the event this goes south.

My children have everything. Holidays abroad every year, me and their dad are there every parents evening/event/sports day, etc. They don’t go without anything. They also really love dp. My eldest has actually asked me in the past if ‘we can keep him’. The phrasing as if he’s some kind of pet did amuse me.

I wholeheartedly agree with you on the smoking. He had promised me he’d quit when the baby was born and that obviously didn’t happen.

Your initial post was all about your DP's mother. Subsequent posts reveal that you don't have a 'MIL' issue as much as a partner issue! Each post reveals even worse things about him and your relationship! Maybe it's baby brain but you really don't appear to be seeing things clearly. What does he actually bring to your life?? Nevermind the fact that you have 3 other children! I absolutely echo others saying get rid of him, this is not a good relationship for you or your family.