Mil stepping on my toes in small ways

[Itsablondebobkindaday]

I would really love some opinions here. I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable because I suspect I am being a little touchy and this is very much sweating the small stuff. There’s nothing big where I feel like I’d be justified in saying anything. It’s a lot of little things but it’s really getting me down. So it’s a mil one. Me and dp have a four month old. She’s dp’s only child and the only grandchild for his mother. Mil obviously dotes on dd but it is becoming overbearing and little things are adding up and making me quite annoyed. She’s very opinionated and believes her opinions are right. Truthfully I find her quite disrespectful of anyone else’s feelings or opinions.

She’s started asking to have dd for the day on her own. She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree. I’ve realised after seeing some pictures from the first time that she’s got a full set of clothes for her that she’s obviously keeping at hers and changing her into as soon as she gets to hers. The lovely outfits I put her in come back barely worn in the changing bag along with all the spares I’ve packed. I can’t help but feel like she’s been seen as a little doll to play dress up with.

My next niggle was regarding car seats. She lives not far off an hour away and it’s mostly motorway driving. Therefore I was extremely selective about what car seat I bought while pregnant and explained to dp that I wanted this car seat used until she’s outgrown it as it has an excellent safety record. Mil has bought her own which I wasn’t made aware of until she turned up with it. It’s not as safe as ours and I’m upset that something I put a lot of thought into and wanted my daughter to use is discarded without so much as a word about it to me. I get that eventually she would have had to get one for her car but I was hoping it would be when dd was a bit older and more solid and that maybe the choice was at least run by me first.

Dd has a dummy. I know many people don’t like them but I have several children who have all had one and no teeth issues. I also like that there’s research suggesting they may slightly protect against SIDS. Mil despises dummies and pretty much told us that dd wasn’t having one. This has led dp to hide the fact we use one until he accidentally posted a photo with it in sight. Mil was not happy about this. I’m concerned of her ever having dd overnight because I know she will let dd scream all night rather than just give her the dummy.

I’m prepared to hear I’m being precious first born about the previous issues (even though this is far from my first!) but this one has got to me. I really don’t like cold water sterilisers and Milton. I personally believe if we can sterilise a bottle without chemicals why would we want to use them. Mil is the total opposite and doesn’t believe things are clean unless there chemically sterilised. When she was a few days old I did use Milton to sterilise to appease her and dd exorcism style projectile vomited her whole feed up. A week later mil was down and we tried again and the same thing happened which led me to conclude that she was better with steam sterilised bottles. Anyway the last two times mil has had dd, the following day she’s been vomiting large quantities up which I’ve found strange. Then dp let slip that mil doesn’t use the bottles we provide. She has her own which knowing her have been sterilised in Milton. While it’s such a tiny thing it’s really bothering me. It’s the one thing I have actively stood up and said to her I don’t like and she’s decided my feelings on it do not matter and done it anyway.

I learnt this morning that she now has her own stroller for dd at her house for when she’s old enough to use it. Again, a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but why is she so adamant to not use anything that I’ve carefully chosen for my daughter. I’m actually starting to question if she thinks my things aren’t good enough.

Dd came back from the last trip bathed and with all her cradle cap scrubbed off. She was bathed the night before so didn’t need a bath but I accept that she could have vomited/had an explosive poo. Dd doesn’t have bad cradle cap to begin with but I wanted it to fall out naturally because when I used products on her sibling lots of her hair came out with it. I had explained this.

Sorry that was long! I’m just feeling really down about it and then I feel pathetic for feeling down about it. None of it is awful. None of it feels worth causing an argument over but I don’t like feeling upset about it. I’m also somewhat concerned what the future is going to look like and the potential for this to become a bigger problem.

The previous poster said you have 5 children because your “partner” is also one of them. He is acting like a teenager and you are accepting it for some reason? He doesn’t pay his way at all, spends his money on his hobby, doesn’t look after his own child nevermind helping you with yours. I’m guessing he is also not great (read useless) with domestic chores/pulling his weight with cooking, cleaning, food shop, organising admin? And you want to marry this prince amongst men do you? Why? He is making your life harder not easier. And he is always right is he? Like a hormonal teenager. So you cannot communicate with him effectively about any issue whatsoever. What made you think he was the one? What did you look at and think yep this guy is the perfect father and husband material.

Your DP is an ignorant selfish twat. If you are living together then he should be paying for half the rent, utilities, food etc.

He can only spend money on his hobby if he has spare money after paying for family life, not save his money to spend £350 on it.

He needs to grow up, stand up to his mother, and start pulling his weight properly.

You are doing the right thing by stopping MIL from having her for a day, 4 months old is far too young for that, especially as the woman ignores everything that you say.

You need a proper chat about finances, and he needs to face reality.

I would say kick him out, but the trouble is then, he would move back in with mummy and your DD would be there on a regular basis, assuming that he bothers to see her.

We have major communication difficulties. He won’t countenance an opinion that isn’t his. Any time I bring up issues it results in an argument where I get so angry and resentful that I’m not being heard that I end up saying something hurtful. Then I loose any higher ground I may have had because I said something ‘nasty’. So I then get told that I need to see a doctor and I need to change because I am vile.

For his good points I can say he does all the cooking for me and him. Mostly because he thinks he’s better at it but at least it’s one less job for me. I cook for my children because they eat earlier when he’s usually in work and they’re very fussy eaters. He will stay up and do the days bottle sterilising and make up a few for the night/morning. He’s very hands off with dd. I feel awful writing this but she often cries hysterically when he tries to do anything for her which has made him decide he will focus on hands off things like bottle making. He doesn’t complain if I ask him to pick stuff up on his way home from work which if I’m honest I’ve started to take advantage of to try and claw back some money. He will clean the cat litter trays. He will also watch the children for me to go to the gym. He genuinely loves food shopping and is more than happy to do it/drive to as many shops as I like time permitting (with me paying for it). He and ds share the same hobby and he will endlessly listen to ds go on about it and answers all his questions. He will also source hard to get items from said hobby for gifts for ds.

Writing this I realise that the majority of our issues come down to the unequal financial split and him not being able to stand up to his mother. He’s just not a very generous person and will find any excuse to not have to put his hand in his pocket.

You've got a cocklodger there, throw him back. Use the money you save subsidising him on driving lessons.

Cooking a few meals/shopping and sharing a hobby with your son are not reason enough to maintain a relationship with a manbaby.

£220 a month?? I should coco.

Oh my days @Itsablondebobkindaday do you want a lifetime of this?

Dump him. learn to drive.

He cooks for you.. a personal chef to meal prep and deliver a weekly set of meals for you would be cheaper for you at this rate. At least you know what you are paying for and wouldn’t have the chefs mother involved.

Agee with PP you don’t have a DP you have a useless cocklodger.

Pack his clothes and kick him out. He can go back to mummy and live there. He doesn’t have any rights just change the locks.

Yanbu. You have been very patient with her. She is overstepping the boundaries. You give some people an inch and they take a mile.
Tell DP to buy her a puppy to entertain her.

Jesus Christ OP. Forget about the mother, that's easy, just stop sending the baby.

Your real problem is that you've moved in a low earning, lazy, smoking, childish, cheap, loser mummy's boy of a cocklodger, and had a baby with him! WTF were you thinking? Have you no self esteem?

So he gaslights you, saying that you said something nasty and against his opinion? Jinkies. Get rid of this freeloader. I bet he only gave mummy-dearest a couple of hundred quid towards his keep too. I gave my parents £120 a month in the 80s. Prices have risen more than a hundred pounds since then! He spends more on his hobby, ciggies & junk food than he does on his family.
What a stingy person you have in your life. Your partner is a total loser, throw him back, learn to drive, keep the car.

I’m really upset and I can’t seem to shake it. I keep crying. Luckily he’s in work so he won’t know.

I get that of all the problems this is the least important one but him making out that he was gearing up to buy an engagement ring just to discover he hasn’t got a penny saved for one has really cut me. I’ve been so kind to him. He’s lived here for a pittance for over a year, I’ve been generous on his birthdays and Christmas, I’ve been pregnant and given him a child, he was upset about not having a car so I made that happen. In return I’ve got a man who forgot to buy me a Valentine’s Day card and who bought one from the shop he works at two days later. Who rolls over after sex or immediately gets his phone and starts scrolling. Who will hesitate at a Costa service station before paying in the hope I’ll offer. For a second I thought he does see everything I’ve done for him and to help him. He has been thinking about me this whole time. It’s not selfishness that he wants to go out with dd and have a nice time without me. I was so hopeful. I finally felt like I hadn’t been taken for granted this whole relationship… then the soul crushing discovery that was never the case. He’s no closer to buying a ring than he was when he was single.

His argument is he was going to look to start the process of finding one I might like. This seems hardly believable. He’s not the type to wonder in/around jewellers without any money. He’s turned it around to I have no patience. That it’s coming, he never said it was going to be imminent. It’s my fault I took him saying he was going to look at engagement rings to mean he was going to propose soon. That me being upset about this is taking the fun out of it for him.

I can’t put into words how hurt I am about this.

@Itsablondebobkindaday your daughter is 4 months old and who moved in a year ago - does that mean he moved in because you were pregnant? How long had you been together prior to him moving in? It sounds like this possibly all happened very quickly but perhaps that’s just my reading of what you’ve posted, how long ago was your divorce?

His relationship with his mother is extremely odd but be wary of kicking him out. You could easily end up with your daughter being in her care 50% of the time if he moved back in with her.

It’s never advisable for anyone to move straight from living with their parents to a partner without living independently/with roommates first. He hasn’t had to learn to be self sufficient and likely you’ve defaulted into doing all the things his mum used to do for him.

Thank your lucky stars he didn’t propose, because you’d have said Yes!
Read back what you’ve just written about him. You DO NOT want to marry this selfish, tight-fisted prick.
Reclaim your dignity and self-respect, and ditch him. Then learn to drive and use YOUR car for you and your little family.

Sweetheart, he lied to you to get himself out of 'trouble', that's all the engagement ring talk was.

Please don't tie yourself to this man; you deserve better. Would you want any of your children to end up with a man like this? xx

For Goodness Sake!!
Don’t marry him!!

The only thing going for this situation is you aren’t married.

He’s massively taking advantage of you. Massively. And he’s complaining about it!

Do Not EVER marry this man, or you’ll end up keeping him for life, while he potters about with his hobby.

You’ll never be able to retire. Honestly this crops up often on MN, men like him stop working and expect their partner to carry all the financial responsibility.

Oh OP your posts keep getting worse and worse and worse 😖 I am bemused that you’re hurt about the ring - honestly I’d be thanking my lucky stars that I’m not married to this person.

With kindness, this man cares about no one but himself and that is very very unlikely to change. I know you’ve got a child with him but I’d urge you to consider what he is really bringing to your life right now and either demand that he leaves and funds his own lifestyle choices rather than have you do it, or if you don’t feel able to do that demand some changes. For example, he should contribute half of everything at least.

It is very unequal.
Why would you want to marry a guy like this that doesn't put you first?
He is taking advantage of you financially.
If you divorce you could end up giving him half your assets.
I can see that you want the emotional security and love that a marriage can bring. The guy isn't doing that now so what makes you think he'll change by putting a ring on your finger? He won't. And you'll be left worse off paying for it all.

Dear OP
Staying with him is going to make you feel more much more hurt
Not less.
As well as poorer.
Time to face reality and act accordingly.

You've lost part of your own self being mixed up with this cocklodger extraordinaire and monster mother in law.
The energy and clarity will come flooding back once you get away from them. Both of them.
They are draining you.

All that boils down to is you give, he takes.

Don't marry him. If you own your home, it gives him a share in your biggest financial asset and doesn't it become marital property where you are?

Don't give his mom what amounts to a custody schedule. Do you have grandparent rights there?

You have kids to prioritize. Get rid of the car. He took you for a ride with you financing that. He's a cocklodger and out for what he can get from you.

I'd get advice on how to get him out of your home while your baby is still young and work a step up plan for custody. Yeah, his mom will be doing the care but she already is doing some. When he takes the baby out, you know he's going to hers.

He is telling you what you want to hear to shut you up and when you question it, turning it all back on you.
You should tell him to leave and apply for child support, he is a cocklodger , why put up with this, why let your kids put up with it, it wont get easier
Plus I reckon the hobby is pokemon cards, if so bloody expensive hobby to have

I don’t know how you could write your second paragraph there and still be distressed about a fictitious engagement ring!
You describe a man anyone would reject on the grounds of his utter inadequacy (and your own personal revulsion), yet you want an engagement ring above all.

Please OP, I think you are in great peril right now, very likely to continue to allow all this neglect and outright abuse from him just to cement a relationship which will effectively write off your next decade, at the very least.
He is not just pointless and exploitative, he is a lethal trap standing right in your path, and you are determined not to see it!
He and his mother have all the necessary foundations laid in order to ensure their own complete gratification through your being willing to provide the baby, the house, and the car, and by diminishing your influence or power so that they are effectively the parents here, and the house and cars theirs too.

Were you married, it’d be a fait accompli already, so you have a chance right now to halt the progress of your erasure and wrest back your own rights.
You really, really have a piece of good fortune in still not being married to him/them, and I cant help feeling that refusing to profit from that to extricate yourself and the infant from their demands will result in your finding precious little good fortune ever again.
KICK HIM OUT! A peppercorn rent isn’t worth the anguish he brings with it.

And seriously, if you have a bit of spare dosh, go into town and buy yourself a lovely ring, even a ‘diamond’ solitaire, and wear it as a secret promise to yourself and your child.
If he actually notices it (and MIL sure will!), I’d be tempted to say boldly that when DP blatantly lied about buying you one recently, you had suddenly realised that you only really wanted a ring anyway, and not an actual engagement.
Let her ponder the implications of that!

Bingo on the hobby! All this for pieces of cardboard. It’s beyond belief really. I think I said this earlier in the thread but he’s got unopened boxes that he has no interest in but are just there. He took one to be valued the other day and he was offered £225 for it. He paid £50 for it so he’d be making a decent profit. He wouldn’t sell it. At the time he owed me £200. I mentioned to him yesterday if he was really serious about getting engaged he’s got plenty of stuff upstairs he could sell to raise the money. He just kept saying ‘why should he have to sell his stuff when he works and can save’, ‘that I just want him to have nothing’, ‘that I just have to have patience’. To me it felt like those pieces of cardboard are more important to him than I am.

Also thank you for this. I know you and everyone else who’s said similar are right. The funny thing is I’ve been debating all day whether to just buy my own bloody ring. I’m not sure I could stoop to it but I’d love to see his reaction.

Why would you stoop to this when you could dump him and build your own life?
Why do you want to marry this waste of space? Stop making stupid decisions and put yourself and your children first before the needs of a man child.

"Him making out that he was gearing up to buy an engagement ring just to discover he hasn’t got a penny saved for one has really cut me."

OP, not being married to this waste of space may be your absolute saving grace.

Listen to yourself: you left home at 19, married, had three children, navigated the breakdown of that relationship well enough that you're still close to your ex MIL. You've clearly been working in that time, "never missed a household bill", are living in your own house and have managed to sort out a car for your family.

You are an absolute rock. You are the steadfast, unshakeable foundation that your kids and your own life needs.

This limp-dick lived with his mum to the age of 30, collects toys, and throws tantrums to get what he wants. He cooks, but not for the kids. The only thing he does that seems genuinely useful is cleaning the cat tray, however I would not house him for that meagre service.

I know that you are feeling hurt and upset, but for the love of God, please recognise that you are a legend, and he is a worm.

Send him back to his mum's house and thank your lucky stars that he cannot claim anything against your house, pension or spousal maintenance.