Mil stepping on my toes in small ways

[Itsablondebobkindaday]

I would really love some opinions here. I’m happy to be told I’m being unreasonable because I suspect I am being a little touchy and this is very much sweating the small stuff. There’s nothing big where I feel like I’d be justified in saying anything. It’s a lot of little things but it’s really getting me down. So it’s a mil one. Me and dp have a four month old. She’s dp’s only child and the only grandchild for his mother. Mil obviously dotes on dd but it is becoming overbearing and little things are adding up and making me quite annoyed. She’s very opinionated and believes her opinions are right. Truthfully I find her quite disrespectful of anyone else’s feelings or opinions.

She’s started asking to have dd for the day on her own. She has her alone for a good 9/10 hours. I was far from ready for this but dp clearly didn’t want to upset her so I felt like I had to agree. I’ve realised after seeing some pictures from the first time that she’s got a full set of clothes for her that she’s obviously keeping at hers and changing her into as soon as she gets to hers. The lovely outfits I put her in come back barely worn in the changing bag along with all the spares I’ve packed. I can’t help but feel like she’s been seen as a little doll to play dress up with.

My next niggle was regarding car seats. She lives not far off an hour away and it’s mostly motorway driving. Therefore I was extremely selective about what car seat I bought while pregnant and explained to dp that I wanted this car seat used until she’s outgrown it as it has an excellent safety record. Mil has bought her own which I wasn’t made aware of until she turned up with it. It’s not as safe as ours and I’m upset that something I put a lot of thought into and wanted my daughter to use is discarded without so much as a word about it to me. I get that eventually she would have had to get one for her car but I was hoping it would be when dd was a bit older and more solid and that maybe the choice was at least run by me first.

Dd has a dummy. I know many people don’t like them but I have several children who have all had one and no teeth issues. I also like that there’s research suggesting they may slightly protect against SIDS. Mil despises dummies and pretty much told us that dd wasn’t having one. This has led dp to hide the fact we use one until he accidentally posted a photo with it in sight. Mil was not happy about this. I’m concerned of her ever having dd overnight because I know she will let dd scream all night rather than just give her the dummy.

I’m prepared to hear I’m being precious first born about the previous issues (even though this is far from my first!) but this one has got to me. I really don’t like cold water sterilisers and Milton. I personally believe if we can sterilise a bottle without chemicals why would we want to use them. Mil is the total opposite and doesn’t believe things are clean unless there chemically sterilised. When she was a few days old I did use Milton to sterilise to appease her and dd exorcism style projectile vomited her whole feed up. A week later mil was down and we tried again and the same thing happened which led me to conclude that she was better with steam sterilised bottles. Anyway the last two times mil has had dd, the following day she’s been vomiting large quantities up which I’ve found strange. Then dp let slip that mil doesn’t use the bottles we provide. She has her own which knowing her have been sterilised in Milton. While it’s such a tiny thing it’s really bothering me. It’s the one thing I have actively stood up and said to her I don’t like and she’s decided my feelings on it do not matter and done it anyway.

I learnt this morning that she now has her own stroller for dd at her house for when she’s old enough to use it. Again, a very small thing in the grand scheme of things but why is she so adamant to not use anything that I’ve carefully chosen for my daughter. I’m actually starting to question if she thinks my things aren’t good enough.

Dd came back from the last trip bathed and with all her cradle cap scrubbed off. She was bathed the night before so didn’t need a bath but I accept that she could have vomited/had an explosive poo. Dd doesn’t have bad cradle cap to begin with but I wanted it to fall out naturally because when I used products on her sibling lots of her hair came out with it. I had explained this.

Sorry that was long! I’m just feeling really down about it and then I feel pathetic for feeling down about it. None of it is awful. None of it feels worth causing an argument over but I don’t like feeling upset about it. I’m also somewhat concerned what the future is going to look like and the potential for this to become a bigger problem.

Whyyyyyy would you do this? Why would you even want to marry this child

Please don't buy your own engagement ring OP. Saddest thing I have heard today. Have you told MIL she is not having your baby all day or overnight? Maybe talk to your health visitor about the Milton and vomiting issue it is not good for a baby then you will have back up when talkong to MIL. Most mums steam bottles in the microwave.

Just leave him sweetheart. He’s a waste of space and won’t get better. He’s not really bringing anything worth having and I’m fairly certain he will be even less interested going forward.

You will have a much better life without him.

@Itsablondebobkindaday even if you ever got a ring - he’d never be able to manage funding or helping with wedding prep.

youd have to pay for it all. His mum would have OPINIONS on it all. You’d organise it all. He’s basically swapped one mum for another.

he’d expect to roll up in the day in the suit you organised for him, at the time and location you sorted.

This will be the life for you and your children for the next 20/30/40 years.

Is it worth it for the odd meal he cooks you and shit sex?

To me it felt like those pieces of cardboard are more important to him than I am.
This is correct, his pokemon cards ARE more important to him than you!

For God's sake give your head a wobble. You have 4 children to think of as well as yourself. DO NOT marry this man (buy your own ring??!) Get rid of him and work on building your self esteem.

Do not buy your own ring! Where would the commitment and desire to marry you from him be in that?

These are NOT small things! I'd have gone mental if my MIL did any of these things! The milton use is horrible, obviously dd is having a reaction. Also, no WAY would my 4 month old be spending a whole day away from me every week with someone who does these things.

Your partner needs to sit her down, this is so not on.

Lovely

You need someone who cherishes you. All the time. Who can disagree in a civilized way and take responsibility for his own part in a disagreement.

Does that man do that?

I've never come across a situation where this song applies more

Please, look carefully at what he is. Look at his actions, rather than his words.

accidentally said yabu. Now I’ve read the full thread I think yabvu to stay with him. Kick the man child out! Your mil is the least of your problems.

you deserve much much better

Op, the whole point about buying yourself a gorgeous ring is that it should symbolise to you, who clearly yearns for one, a firm resolution to end this relationship!
An anti-engagement ring, indeed. A unilateral declaration of independence.
Saying to him that henceforth, this here sister is doing it for herself (and would he kindly move back to your mother’s house by Saturday)

Under NO bloody circs should you buy yourself a ring in order to shunt DP forwards into a declared engagement.
Marriage to this man is the last thing you should be aiming for, and it is very worrying that you cannot grasp the financial danger you are in, in terms of your own and your child’s future.

Please stop focussing on this matter as though it were the sole fly in your crystal jar of fragrant ointment. In fact it’s the very least of your worries, bar the clear dishonesty in his having said he was off to purchase a flipping ring.

And so they are. Bluntly, you are of no importance to him except in terms of what you provide for his ease and gratification.

this. all of this.

I’m concerned by how OP is not taking any notice of any points warning her off this man, and marriage to him.
A sparkly ring and a wedding dress have such power over some women, and they’ll turn themselves painfully inside out in order to ‘achieve’ them.
Next morning, the world is entirely grey and the terrible bargain exerts its demands.

pokemon cards are a “south sea bubble”
“tulip mania” which will burst and leave a lot of people with worthless pieces of cardboard.

at the moment their only value is an opportunity to find a bigger sucker who will pay more for it than you did!

i actually think it is immoral to trade them
and idiotic to think they are a long term investment- especially as they can be forged so easily

do many women collect them? I don’t think so!

Hi op I’m not surprised your crying you have a manchild living with you and is hardly paying any money to live you do realise if he lived away he couldn’t afford his hobby you are enabling him. As for the smoking your dd can’t be that important to him if he’s not willing to stop I hope it’s outside at least. I think you are being walked all over when you have a baby you go halves with everything you buy. I charge my dc more in rent than you charge him. He is laughing all the way to the bank. Are you going be paying all nursery fees school uniforms etc. because tight isn’t the word he’s entitled. I definitely wouldn’t marry a guy who is this entitled and you’re literally begging for a ring. If you’re desperate buy a ring for yourself but not for your engagement finger. Honestly you need to review your life asap. He’s more like a lodger -= cocklodger.

This.

If she is your final baby then you deserve to cherish her that much more. Tell your mil you need more time with your baby and she can visit but not steal her away. There is no way on this earth I would let my pil drive my baby on a motorway. Especially not in an inferior car seat. Just say no. She is stealing your last child against your will. Just say the circumstances have changed, you want her at home with you - or say there’s a swimming class or a baby yoga session where you can bond with other mums. Firm. Just no.

I've just read most of your thread. My god OP, this man is a dud!!

Doesn't have your back, Doesn't do much with your Dd, sulks when you want to use the car YOU bought because he has shit credit?!!

Ffs, don't marry him or you'll be handing over half your assets over in a few years!

Can you move back near your own family? Him and his mum sound like an absolute disaster!

OP, would you be happy if he proposed? Beautiful ring and everything, romantic proposal. You’d be happy and you’d say yes?

Please don’t marry this cocklodger. He’s a selfish waste of space. You are sorted in material terms but your low self esteem for putting up with this idiot perplexes me, given how sensible you are with everything else. Unfortunately there is no fairytale ending with this guy. It’s best to accept that now and move on before he clocks that it’s worthwhile to fork out for that ring after all so he can marry you and take half your assets.

Oh OP please do not marry this man child! You sound awesome and he does not respect you or treat you properly.

The financial implications of being legally tied to this feckless mummy’s boy could ruin you and your children’s future.

Pin her down on the car seat and the steriliser, as for the other stuff it’s not worth the stress.
I’m 62 and, I can say from experience, all this will soon be meaningless nonsense.

He sounds about 16. This is not good OP. If I were you I'd ask him to move out for a while until you consider things. Whatever you do do not marry him - unless you want to see your home and your savings go down the drain/into his wallet.

Of course if you split whatever time he spends with your baby will actually mean your MIL having your baby. What a mess. I still think you'd be better without him.

have you read all the thread? at least the OP's posts?

He won’t countenance an opinion that isn’t his. Any time I bring up issues it results in an argument where I get so angry and resentful that I’m not being heard that I end up saying something hurtful. Then I loose any higher ground I may have had because I said something ‘nasty’. So I then get told that I need to see a doctor and I need to change because I am vile.

Long term there is no future in this relationship unless you don't mind shutting up and going along with everythign he says, and funding him without complaint.