AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

YABVU!

At the age your mother will be, she doesn’t need to be around nasty bugs if she can avoid it - yet she’s still willing to come in the afternoon because she cares. She helps out massively each week because she cares. The other parent can take time off work, or they can organise the other extended family. Be angry at your DH if you must.

So unfair on Grannies that are at least trying, when their children act entitled because of the decency shown to them.

Your mum is probably going to the gym to keep fit enough to do a long stint with two very young children once a week. Also, so she doesn't become a burden to you in old age. She may also feel taken for granted by you or wonder why your OH isn't stepping up a bit more so is laying down some boundaries now. I, personally, always volunteer to help my daughter when she's ill but a] my husband is usually there, too and b] she never takes me for granted. (See the word volunteer in there).

I really don’t get everyone that says your mum is selfish! She’s already raised her own children, it’s not her job to be at your beck and call too!
You and your husband had the kids, it’s no one else’s responsibility than yours to look after them!
if people can help out from time to time then great and you’re lucky but it is not their responsibility to help you!!
You’re so entitled!!

I mean, my mother refused to help me when I went into labour with my second child, so it’s all relative. I would have killed for a day a week of help. I agree with PP that your husband needs to step up here, not your mum.

Completely disagree - although I didn't read many that said her Mum was selfish, including myself. I just know that my Mum would have hated that I was so ill and not felt able to ask her - mind you she would have offered anyway.

You're right, it's not her job, but that's the relationship I had with my Mum and I guess we're all different.

Your Mum is selfish.
My Mum would absolutely help me. My SIL in on maternity now, second child too. She’s been unwell several times and my mum is always up there helping. She frequently sleeps over to help with the night shift too.

Try ask up your MIL too - she might feel she doesn’t want to impose but would love to help out.

But are you saying you're off on maternity leave just now and your mum is still there 1 day a week while you're off? Why?

In that scenario I'd be giving your mum a break as well and only asking to help on days when ill etc. She's saying she'll come in the afternoon, if I was ill and during my mat leave (I had a terrible bout of COVID where I was almost hospitalised for example and there was noone coming running to help, I had a breastfed baby and a toddler and my husband was really ill too and we juggled them so we could both just about survive) and someone said they'd come give me 3/4 hours to rest I'd have cried with gratitude.

That’s a really good point. No one wants to be seen solely as a provider of childcare.

I agree with the grandma. I have no support but my goodness those replies are awful.

I think your mum should have given up a gym session to help, it's a one off. You're not asking her to cancel the whole membership.

It's sad, we should all have a village.

Agree that “sad” is what these replies have made me feel.

All the “she raised her own children, so why should she?!” Errrr simply to demonstrate to her daughter that she loves her and doesn’t want her to suffer needlessly. When did love and support for the most important people in our lives become capped at one day a week?

I’m sure the OP does plenty for her mother too, and if she doesn’t yet, she will as she ages.

I’m not going to tell my mum I’m not coming round to help her with her internet problems because I already help her with her shopping each week. But with the way most posters here view familial relationships, maybe I should tell her that?!

She’s not “mean”! As for you and your “heroic” time spent when your 16yr old child was in hospital-that’s what the majority of parents would do for their child/teenager. You’d hardly expect the same level of care as a fully grown adult would you! OP has a husband /partner. He should be the first one expected to help.

She’s not “mean”! As for you and your “heroic” time spent when your 16yr old child was in hospital-that’s what the majority of parents would do for their child/teenager. You’d hardly expect the same level of care as a fully grown adult would you! OP has a husband /partner. He should be the first one expected to help.

Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. This doesn't actually make any sense, but the entitled sentiment comes through clearly.

You repeatedly say you 'have no help', but it's entirely normal for a SAHP to look after their own kids and it's not even true in your case.

I thi k help would be nice but not obligatory

You are being unreasonable yes.

You want someone else to disrupt their routine to attend to your needs when you have a partner who is supposed to be that person.

Your mum and mil did not have children, you and your partner did and I now the age old trope of a support network being grandparents etc but that should not be an expectation.

You should be asking your partner.

Are you a single parent? Why is your husband not taking carers leave?

You’re a two parent household and you have free childcare one full day a week. You’re cross at the wrong person, I get that it’s difficult for your husband to take time off but you’re framing it wrong. He wouldn’t be taking the time to look after his ill wife, he would be taking the time to provide emergency childcare for his children (as you were unable to effectively provide it whilst ill). As you said yourself, you hardly ever ask for help, and wouldn’t unless it was desperate, therefore it’s a huge one off to him too. Your mum does enough, your husband needs step up on the odd occasion when his children need him, regardless of whether works frowns upon it or not.

Your later posts are now sounding much more balanced than your first. Your first post did sound pretty entitled tbh - that might be why everyone pounced on you.

You began saying you were on maternity leave, but had your mum providing a full day of childcare each week. Many of us couldn’t understand why your mum was committed to this as you were on maternity leave. But you suggested she wasn’t helping as promised. Has her help always been one day per week, even when you had newborns ?

But then you told us that you worked on Tuesdays, (launching two businesses!) so this explains why your mum does such a long day for you.

Your comment about having to get through maternity without support seems a bit ungrateful. We see that you have been supported by your lovely mum and your husband too. You indicate your older child goes to nursery, which will give you some periods of respite. Baby groups etc could help too.

Did your husband choose not to take his paternity leave? If he is a senior member of staff, much needed change to the company’s attitude needs to come from your husband and other seniors.

I also note that despite working full time and you being on maternity leave, your husband does the nursery run? So he is home at a reasonable time too?

It is 100% okay to admit you are struggling. It seems your mum judged that you’d be okay ‘til after her gym session. I don’t know why she did that. Perhaps you’d been poorly for a few days already and she thought you were resilient enough for a few more hours? It is a fair comment that if you were so poorly that your children couldn’t be left with you until your mum was available, you should have asked your husband or another family member who didn’t have prior commitments. Your husband also deemed that you were okay enough to look after the children for those extra few hours. Perhaps you outwardly appeared that you were coping, but inside felt desperate. You are so right, please make it clear to your husband what you need from him or he’ll think you are coping.

I'm sorry you felt let down by your mum. I honestly believe that if your question had simply been AIBU to feel upset my mum didn’t cancel her gym to look after me as I was feeling sick, you would have received more support. But instead you claimed you had received little help and support from your mum, when compared to many others, this is simply not true. The fact that you indicated asking for more help was more trouble than it was worth suggested you had asked for more in the past. Your mum also helps other family members. She retired to offer help and this is exactly what she is doing. She’s just managing that help within her boundaries. Many of us have grandparents who still work full time so the option of help is not there.

We’re ending this convo now, but when they are retired, the parents are often tired, slowed down, in a way that they don't even like confessing to themselves. They don’t intend to become creaky, old people.

And because they are at the gym and going on long walks and meeting up with friends their children often seem to fail to notice the small physical declines, possibly because they don’t want to see it, particularly if they are desperate for help with childcare.

I know of a woman in her 70s who has helped out with twins since their birth, and is now taking on their new sibling at the same time. This seems to be expected of her, and being a normal woman who longs to help her daughter, she’s stepping up.

But in this whole debate please remember that your parents (usually the mother) might not say anything, but spending a day tending small children takes it out of them in a major way. They would rather die than miss out on being able to help, but it would be kind to remember that they simply don't have the backs and the knees that you do, nor the energy.

I feel like most of these comments are by white privaleged women who are martyrs to the cause and in perfect health. She has said she is very ill. She has said her mum basically promised the world in childcare and I suspect she feels also told the world she has retired to look after the grandchildren. Once a week is great but to not step up when needed desperately to go the gym is selfish. Its not like she was meeting friends for a special meal. The gym is there all the time. I'd be annoyed and disappointed too.

The reality is that in some cultures the women are still expected to largely raise the children. Hence the reliance on the grandma's. Maybe the dad is more modern and should help but some jobs are very tricky to be off from.

We are very lucky in that we have 3 grandparents in 15mins drive away. Ive recently gone through a period of ill health and not been 'under the weather'. Just really ill. My husband did have time off here and there and went in late but its not always realistic. Sometimes he is the only senior staff member on site. So the grandparents stepped up. Of course they did.

I think you have good cause to be annoyed. I think you also need to talk to your husband about time off if your illness continues.
Exploring nursery for the older child might help longer term. Could be worth checking in your mum is still ok with the arrangement of one long day a week. My mum is now 75 and still has my son (7) for a day. She'd be less keen on having his cousin who is 4 for the same amount of time. 2 half days might work better. 2 can be a handful!

You seem to be suggesting that, depending on your ethnicity, it's OK to expect your mother to be 'martyr to the cause' (what 'cause'?) and devote her retirement to free childcare?

Is it wrong that DGM and DH have kinda questioned how serious the OP’s serious illness is?

DH didn’t think she was so ill that she couldn’t look after the children that morning and DGM seemed to think she’d manage too. Perhaps OP hasn’t communicated just how ill she really is, if neither DGM nor DH are stepping up.

It’s horrible being poorly when you are looking after your children. I have recently spent time with several mothers who are trying to care for young children whilst undergoing chemotherapy, which has made them very poorly. They have needed support and grandparents, friends and other family members have stepped up when they can. The primary responsibility for looking after their children when the mums have been unable to has fallen on the dads though.

Moving forward, you need to have a plan with DH for when you go back to work. Keeping a few emergency days might not be enough for the relentless sick days young children inevitably have when they start nursery/preschool etc. You and your husband may need to share these between you. It will be a good opportunity for him to demonstrate how his employer values and recognises how important fathers are and how it respects the laws in place to enable them to fulfil their role. Have you also made plans for childcare during school holidays, as depending on where you are, you may need to consider booking a place soon?

OP, unless your mum has explicitly stated she will provide childcare when your children are even just slightly ill and won’t be allowed to attend normal childcare and will look after them for 13 week holiday a year, please don’t expect that she will.

My mum did the exact same to me, said she couldn’t help out as she had a Pilates session. Meanwhile I’m in bed with tonsillitis. I would have rather she gave an excuse that was a lie than say that to me. It tells me what matters more to her

If I was your neighbour and you asked for help because you were sick, I would come over. I haven’t looked after babies for decades, but absolutely I would come over and help in anyway I could. I can’t imagine managing to look after two children, a baby and a toddler, while I was sick.

Your anger is directed at your mother but it’s probably built up frustration with being the mum of two young kids whose husband ‘supports’ you by going to the office every day and doing little when he gets back. She isn’t the problem - a setup designed to suck the life and soul out of you is.