AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

I agree, husband in senior role should come with rights for time off for sorting sickness, its the law. Refusing to take this hard won time off for no other reason than boss doesn't agree with men doing that (he can't stop him) sends the message out he could but he won't. OP going back after maternity, starting 2 businesses has to sort free unpaid days to accommodate children's future sickness, which her husband could do, possibly paid for ? bizarre!

I had a simular situation with my Mum recenltly. I asked her if she could look after my 2 year old as I needed to go to hospital for a iron infusion last minite as my original appointment was cancelled and I was feeing very unwell. She said she couldn'tas she had been thinking about going to aqua aroebics that day. It upset me becasue like you, I don't ask for much.

And what about the full day of childcare that the mother provides for both the OP and her sister, from 8 in the morning every week? And also the mother did go and help OP just not as soon as she wanted her to.
It sounds as though the mother already does a lot of childcare but she also has the right to her own life tand to keep the committments she has.

you are just beyond entitled. If you can't afford paid help then don't have kids. I've never had any help from any family ever and never expected it. Being sick sucks. Bubble is great. Get a sitter.

Do you have a full days childcare for two
children every week? That’s a fair amount, quite a commitment.

It isn't the same though because what people are forgetting is that OPs mother did go and help her just not immediately.

I haven't read all the comments. But I think its unfair to expect your mum to drop everything when you have your husband

When I am sick my husband takes the day off and vice versa. Your mum offered to come after her gym session, i think that was a fair compromise and kind of her. I think you need to appreciate her a bit more.

Okay, so you say in your culture grandparents help out so why haven't you asked your MIL or Fil for help?

I don’t think you are unreasonable to be upset.i would not have thought twice about coming immediately to look after you.

I think you’re talking absolute nonsense!

Im saying repeatedly that the DH should’ve stepped up!

But, the DGM should not get the anger of OP, that should be her DH!

So, not sure what you’re talking about? But please feel free to enlighten me?

It’s the people saying that OP wasn’t very ill but “peaky” that you need to address!

The swimming pool v a hospital appointment! Not surprised you were upset. Hope you got sorted .

I also agree that the father of the children needs to look after them if you are incapable. He must be able to take a day's annual leave at short notice or call in sick. Fair enough to ask your mum first but if she can't then he's on the hook and that anger directed at her is unawarranted.

She is already providing two full days of childcare to you and your sister per week and good on her for keeping herself healthy.

If you are going back to work in September and are building a business on the side you will need a wider network than your mum if your husband is unwilling to negotiate being able to look after his children in emergencies.

The kids will get ill A LOT in childcare settings. So you need a wider support system than your mum and then being angry at her.

I would never make a decision to have children based on grandparents availability to provide long term childcare. My mum helped a lot but then got ill with cancer and died when my kids were very little. I had never made her providing childcare a criteria for having kids - otherwise I would have had to resent her for getting ill, me providing care for her on top of my job and tiny children - and then having the audacity to die on me.

Cherish your mother while she is around and in good health.

'Just a gym session' is a bit dismissive. It has taken me many years, decades really, to finally have some semblance of an exercise routine. There are only two sessions a week at my gym that I can stand, and I attend them religiously. It's very easy for things to come up on those two days and for the routine to be broken so i have to be a bit ruthless about ring fencing those two mornings. Perhaps your mum feels like this? Like her, I'd gladly come to help after 12 noon, which I don't classify as the day nearly being over, and which I hope would be appreciated.

I am sorry you are unwell - it’s horrid when kids are young, and happened to me a few times. I never dreamt of asking my mum. I asked my husband to take a day off work, as they are his children as much as mine.

I dont like it when I’m asked to help with my nieces when their dad isn’t expected to reschedule his work plans for his own kids. I think it’s pretty epic your mum does a full day of childcare for you every week and you sound a bit ungrateful. Saying how you’ve done it alone isn’t really true when you get a whole day every single week! Good for you, I love it when people are onto a good thing, but I think in this day & age you’ll find the very vast majority are bringing their own kids up without help with childcare (other than paid)

I agree with this.
Years ago my close friend had a falling out with her older sister and her mother that really damaged relations.

She was a kind aunt and a good daughter.
One friday night her sister called saying she was very stuck and needed help with the kids as activities/parties were clashing.

My friend told her she couldn't help as she had a lunch with 5 buddies that was scheduled and would be a day into night affair.

Her sister was quite irritated, and to my mind at the time, far too used to calling on her.

She stuck to her guns, couldn't help and no discussion.
Her mother then called her and lectured her about being there for family.
Turns out her brother in law had a full day golf outing, not unusual, and had told his wife that he wasn't cancelling it for a party for a 6 year old.

My friend was very pissed off at being lectured. Her back was really put up and it took the shine off her lunch.

I met her for lunch the following week and she asked me what I thought honestly.
I told her both her sister and her mother had some cheek when she was so kind, and I felt she was being taken advantage of, and if she continued running around after them constantly, it could impact her meeting someone, as she was too available for them both.

She told them both that she had been reflecting and she wasn't happy with their expectations, she had her own life and she would be taking space from all commitments.

She had actually been doing a lot for both.
It was a bit eye opening for her, as they were more upset at her lack of availability to babysit and drive her mother here there and everywhere, than addressing her upset.

She stuck to her guns and she actually loved it. She took up hill walking with a friend and really got into it, going on weekend walks all over. 18 months later she told me she had met the nicest man. They were friends and then he asked her out.
She quietly married him without a word to anyone 6 months later.

Her family were stunned. Not altogether thrilled for her. She remained on good terms with them, but definitely to her schedule.

The truth is her mother and sister would have happily seen her never marry and simply be around for their bidding.

It's not uncommon, or it wasn't 25-30 years ago in my circle.

Your mum is already doing a LOT! Your children are your and your husband’s responsibility - she has raised her own kids and now deserves a free life. I understand your frustration but you need to let this go. Many a time I parented tiny kids alone when unwell. It’s grim, but it’s still no ones responsibility but yours and your husband’s.

This sounds like a really similar story with my sister! My brother in law is a bit old fashioned and sees childcare issues as my sisters problem, she is so stubborn she wont even ask him. Drives the rest of us mad! I try really hard to foster independent relationships between my children and the rest of the family that aren’t centred around only seeing them to offer childcare!

They’re yours and your husbands kids, not your mums. Your responsibility, not hers. Any helping she does is at her discretion. Ask your husband to take time off to look after his kids. Your mum doesn’t owe you help, he does.

But she's already put in decades raising her daughter. Does the time effort and sacrifices she made then not count?

Only grandchild care counts apparently

There's tons of this on here. A mother parents for over 25 years, sacrificing and putting her children first. Then beloved grandchildren arrive and it's like the slate is wiped clean and she has to start again, dropping everything at a moment's notice to help or be seen as selfish! And no expectation, at all, for the grandfather to provide childcare. Gross.

How are you unwell? And you don't mention nursery in op, but you do slip it in later on. When do they go to nursery?

Honestly, my husband has ‘one of those jobs’ too. Plus we have literally no one else to help with the kids. I eventually cracked after a few times being very ill left to look after babies on my own and told him I wasn’t standing for it and he had to have a sick day to look after the kids if I couldn’t do, otherwise I might as well be a single parent. Thankfully he sorted this out and guess what, when he says ‘I’m going to have to be off today because my wife is really ill and we have no one to look after the kids’ no one cares and he generally gets ‘oh no, I hope she feels better soon.’ That was after I had about 3 years of him saying ‘my wife is ill isn’t a reason to not go into work’ - well actually, it’s is when she’s the one looking after your kids.
youre so lucky to have a mum that wants to help you once a week, honestly, your anger is misplaced.
can he not stay home in the morning for her to come after the gym?

I agree. I can’t imagine choosing the gym over helping my very sick DD when I retire.

I don’t feel like MN is based on reality sometimes, as I can’t imagine anyone I know prioritising a gym visit over a very ill DD! But MN can be a bitter and mean-spirited place where people only look out for themselves.

It’s very easy to say that her DH should have just taken the day off, but depending on his job that not necessarily easy. Based on the double-standards on here, if a man had been in the same position, you can bet that the woman wouldn’t have asked his DW to stay off work but just ton”put his big boy pants on” and deal with it.

I'd have changed my plans if my daughter had said the same to me - that's what a close family is all about. If your mum's life is very busy, she could have said "I'll do the whole day as a swap for next Tuesday, I can go to the gym then".