AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

It’s fine. That’s obviously your answer to the OPs question.

They’ll keep fit and healthy, by going to the gym? Not only their physical health but their mental health as well.

Maybe OP will repay the nine hours (plus the offered afternoon) looking after her two children a week, plus the parent of the other DGC can do the same?

Oh hang on, DM couldn’t do four hours of childcare, then cut her loose!

Maybe go NC?

My mum would have come to help me, unasked, as would MIL if asked. I would definitely change plans if DS or DD were ill and needed help. They are my priority. So in my family, YANBU.

Yes and that child is allegedly a grown up now…. As is her DH.

Mine too, or df or mil or fil, or an aunt/uncle. Anyone would pitch in.

Feel sorry for those who live with the 'you chose to have kids!' mentality. Must be why so many on here are NC.

I feel sorry for sick children being given to “anyone”, even friends.

Yes and OP is now supposedly an adult.

It’s not for your mum to step in - it’s your husband!!! He sounds crap

I feel sorry that a DH and DF doesn’t support his wife, when she says she’s very ill. Presumably he didn’t accept or believe that?

Or a DGM who enjoys the gym, but has to drop everything and her DD is very angry.

It was just the morning, the DH could’ve gone in late, worked his lunch hour, or stayed later.

But no, it’s the DGM the only one that actually helps on a regular basis, that gets OPs wrath.

How anyone can blame the DGM for the fact that the DH didn’t step up is beyond me.

I think you are just having a go at OP for daring to need help at all.

You have no idea how much her husband does for his family overall.

And surely if you’ve ever had a job you know that it’s not always easy to take off for an illness that is not life-threatening and sometimes we all just suck it up and get on with it.

I agree! My mom always helped when mine were little and I will do the same when they have children. It wasn’t always possible for my husband to have time off at short notice with the work he did, and we couldn’t afford for him to take unpaid leave. I can’t imagine any mother leaving her daughter to struggle.

I don't think you should expect your Mum to do it ,if she helps out once a week

I think I'm in the minority here, but if my daughter was ill and she needed help I would drop everything and anything to give her that help, regardless of what other help I was already giving her. I know for sure my own mother would have done, and did do, exactly the same. I also know that my daughter would do exactly the same for me and my husband. It's not a question of whether the son-in-law should be taking a day off work, (it's not always possible or that easy) you do what you can to make life easier for your family and those you love.

I also would have asked my mum before my husband as she does not work and he does. I also would be put out by her response. I would then expect my husband to take the day off.

However your comment that you’ve managed maternity leave pretty much by yourself as your husband is in the office 5 days a week is an odd one. Surely you are supposed to manage it by yourself? I don’t understand the point you’re trying to make here.

But her mum hasn't outrightly refused to help she's just said she would come later once she's done with her plans. Nothing wrong in asking for help at all. It comes across entitled that she's then come on here to rant that her mother's offer of coming to help for the afternoon was seemingly not good enough.

Yes somebody chose to have me too but I'm not the one asking my parents to drop plans and come look after my kids either

This is one of those questions such as morally vs. legally! A lot of people basucally saying your kids your problem (legally) but I know for a fact my mum would've dropped everything to help me and I bloody loved her for that, so in my view as a one off, yes she could've helped (morally). Sorry OP but what we know we would do for our own children doesn't work like that in all families xxx

I read so many threads where women who are ill, ask if it’s unreasonable to ask their husbands to take a day off work. They are always told they ARE being unreasonable and they should suck it up!

Mumsnet also is very anti asking grandparents for help. My parents would offer to help in this situation, I wouldn't even need to ask. I plan to do the same for my grandchildren. So I think your mum is being mean here, but I know I’ll be in the minority.

I read so many threads where women who are ill, ask if it’s unreasonable to ask their husbands to take a day off work. They are always told they ARE being unreasonable and they should suck it up!

I've been here years and never seen a thread where a parent, even if they are a SAHP has been told their husband and father of their child(ren) shouldn't have a day off and take responsibility for them if their mother is unwell.

My daughter’s husband had the sort of job where that was not often possible. Plus half the time out of the country.
when he was wfh or just in London he would drop everything.

My view is that you arent unreasonable at all.
I am very surprised that so many people think otherwise and are unpleasant about it. Perhaps feeling they havent had enough help themselves when they needed it. Its a shame.

Nothing indicates that OPs DH is out of the country, so that’s not the issue!

this is always trotted out, I think by people that are envious that their DH doesn’t respect and support them.

Very sad really, I mean the best job a parent can do, is look after their children.

Women are not designed to to it all by themselves. Its just what we are trying to do today.

But she is helping that is the point. She is just going over a couple of hours later than the OP wanted.

Don't you mean people are not designed to do it all by themselves?