AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

1. Where the hell is your husband?? The child's second parent? He needs to be the one stepping up when you're ill.

2. I do think it's unreasonable on your mums part for not offering to help her own child when you're ill.

3. can't you get a day or 2 childcare at a nursery to give you a bit if a break?

So many “it’s my time now” grandparents on here.

I don’t know what they think will happen when they’re old and infirm and need help with everything.

Perhaps the op does take the piss. The op is on maternity leave, so off work to look after her children, but has her mother come round one day a week to look after them for her. I can't get my head round that. If I had been lucky enough to have had parents living close by when my boys were small I might have asked my mum to pop round for a couple of house so I could get my hair cut or so.ething, but one full day, once a week? What is the op doing all day on this day?

I have also been alone with my children while I was ill. Husband away with the RAF overseas, family a 5 hour drive away, three children under 4. A playpen, tv, and snacks that they wouldn't usually get, and we all survived. It's called being a parent.

"Surely you'd make adjustments? As a one off?"

Yet your own husband, your child's Father, won't do?

It might be difficult. It might be hard. It might be awkward. But he really does need to be stepping up and telling his boss he won't be in today because he needs to be at home to care for his children. Its not the done thing? Tough shit. His boss might not like it. Your husband might not like falling out of favour. But he needs to step up. He's not asking to go part time. He's not asking flexible hours. Or to work from home. Or for term time hours working. He's having maybe ONE DAY off work for urgent family circumstances.

Your husband also has loads of staff under him......surely THEY need to know he'd be ok if THEY need time off. He needs to risk pissing his boss off and put his wife and children first.

No it’s other women you disregard, I didn’t say all women did I?

Answer why you decided OP despite saying she was very ill (therefore her DH should’ve stepped in), that you decided she was “peaky”.

As an aside if you quote or tag me it’s easier for me to see and respond accordingly.

So because you struggled and had to rough, you want everyone else to struggle as well. You sound unreasonable. Your experience is irrelevant to this post.

Sorry you have been unwell op. However I do think yabu. If your mum refused to miss the gym if you needed to go to dr or a&e I would think she was being unfair but she hrlps yiu a full day a week and has your siblings kids another day.
Sounds like you are comparing yourself with very lucky friends who get even more help. Also don't blame your decisions to have kids on the promise your mum would help out for 1 no one is under obligation and 2 what if something happened and she was no longer able. Surely after you had the first child it was clear how often your mum could help

You’ve disregarded the OP by repeatedly demanding to know why she did not make her husband stay home. She was very clear that she understood why that was not possible on this particular day and why she wanted her mother. It doesn’t make her a walkover or a misogynist.

I want my parents to spend time traveling, volunteering and pursuing new hobbies. They raised 3 children while working very hard! They deserve time in retirement to follow their dreams. They have always been brilliant grandparents to our now adult children even though they only saw them in person twice year (for a couple of weeks in the holidays)’

You have a husband he can take a day off , you had children together they are not your mother's responsibility, think you're ungrateful for the 1 day a week she has them and a cf tbh . She's done her time parenting now she is getting her own life back .

The op is on maternity leave and is not working. She also has a husband. That is more than many women have while raising small children. In addition she has her mum spend a whole day helping out!!

As you have discovered: Raising Baby is hard work. Been there. And when the time comes that they're Grown up, flown the nest: A lot of changes have occurred. You really don't know. Your mother is relived that the burden of child- rearing is over. Things are different from when SHE was twenty years old and running after a toddler. She s probably got aches and pains that she never had before; she's probably pushing it now. She may have worries that you don't know about . Honestly , as you are approaching middle - age : CHILDREN are a huge undertaking. Don't take it personally, she's probably tired.

She is very ill, so I’m guessing can’t look after a baby safely?

I’m more than happy to help my parents as they get older and infirm! I love them and will make sure they are well cared for. This is not conditional on anything, especially not on them having enjoyed their retirement traveling and pursuing new hobbies.

https://www.norland.ac.uk/employing-a-norland-nanny/student-placement/

if you are within 45 minutes of Bath or Southwest London

Then her husband needs to take time off work and look after their children.

There are TWO parents in this family.

You chose to have children.

As did her mother.

The OP isn't a child and her mother isn't obliged to drop everything for her adult daughter just because she chose a husband who won't prioritise his wife and kids once in a while either

'so dysfunctional that parents don’t take care of each other and their own family'

I know. Imagine it, 'mum I don't feel great, not bad enough for dh to take carer's/annual leave whatever but I need a hand can you come soon' 'yes later this afternoon after the gym'. It's crap isn't it. You got there in the end!

😂😂😂

Ive pointed out that the DCs are her and her DHs responsibility, which they are! The OP being really angry because her mother won’t change her hobbies is unreasonable.

That was the premise of the AIBU, the answer is yes! 79% of the voters agree!

She stated she was “very ill” so……

Her DH should’ve stepped up, because her DM couldn’t come until
the afternoon!

We are talking about one day and it’s certainly valid to say “yes, it’s unreasonable to expect your mother to change her plans around for you.”

It’s also quite reasonable for OP to say “It wasn’t possible for my husband to take off work that day.”

What’s not Ok is all the misandry and misogyny of acting like these two people don’t well know what is and isn’t workable for them in terms of work schedule. Implying because he couldn’t/didn’t take off work that he doesn’t care about his family, etc.

Whats also ridiculous is “You had them” type comments. Really unkind and unhelpful. Someone chose to have you, too. Not too many people get by in this world without the help of others.

Is it so awful to not drop everything but instead compromise & go when it suits you?

Perhaps when they're old their own children will do what suits them re helping out also?