My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

Yes I dont really understand why people go on about this. AI certainly writes better than I can at work. I dont use it here as I wouldnt know how to as by the time I've written what I want, Ive written it, if that makes sense?

But so what if people are using it to help them write a post?

You are wrong. It's textbook bullying and exclusion. You don't think that his siblings telling him that they wish he had never been born is bullying? You don't think that refusing to let him join them at a concert that he wanted to see is exclusion? If this behaviour was between colleagues in the workplace and one colleague was deliberately left out of all social events, that would be considered bullying and exclusion.

I think that the scare quotes were to show scepticism about your expertise in the mental health field. I share that scepticism.

Its about respect for your reader. If you cant be bothered to formulate your quandary yourself, why should users be bothered to read your post and take the time to respond.

Its also about texture. Part of what makes a forum interesting is its community of different voices. People expressing themselves in ways that create a sense of diversity. If everything is flattened to the faux poignant, staccato tone of AI, then whats the point? We might as well just go on ChatGPT and say "create some personal dilemmas for me to read with my coffee, please"

Partly it makes it about 10 times as long as it needs to be, and partly it writes the post in a really over emotional way to try and force particular visceral responses.

A really emotional way?

Like half the drama llamas on here then?

I would read those more about Op than mocking DS, although yes the wording is harsh.

I accept he probably had more than a blocked nose, but I think the reaction to what he had lacked a sense for proportion around it. And I say that as someone who has a kid with some health issues.

Im allergic to any kind of hysteria or drama around certain health stuff. And obviously that doesn’t include disabilities or serious illness. My kid has allergies and the other “allergy mums” in the school drive me crazy with the hysteria. One posted on an entire What’s App group that there hasn’t been stuff for allergy kids at one small event with a crying face. It turned out that wasn’t the case & the school is always attending to allergy kids. But I sent my kid in with snack & I don’t indulge in any oh poor darling were you left out drama.

It comes across to me that there was a lack of proportion around DS illness.

I initially assumed he had Cystic fibrosis or downs syndrome with a bad heart condition or similar

but it seems he has nothing particularly wrong with him apart from he gets ill frequently - why did that mean a cancelled holiday ? , i would only cancel a holiday for dialysis' or open heart surgery not a bad bout of flu

do you need therapy to deal with his birth trauma as that seems to have made you over protective ?

definitely stop paying for adult children they should pay you if they are at home

maybe only pay for things that are inclusive ?

But you cant force friendship, they clearly hate him which sounds really horrible and sad but you cant make adult be friends

id love to hear their side of this ? What do they say is the problem?

You are prepared to lose your relationship with all three of your other children, cut them off, ban their friends and throw them out of the house at 18, all in order to protect the feelings of your favourite son. That says everything about the family relationships and it’s no surprise they are so resentful..

The reality is that OP's insistence that the unwell child never miss out on anything has directly led to him missing out now, and OP's interventions in the relationship have actively made it worse.

It sounds like there is a big bank of family mythology around his birth and illness that the other kids have been made to carry since they were small. Their birth stories were less important. Their holidays and outings were less important.

And OP's lack of ability to say to her kids "looking back, I got it wrong. It was shit for your brother but we shouldn't have made it shit for all of you as well to avoid him feeling left out" is compounding the issue. It's a clsssic non-apology "sorry if you're upset" rather than "looking back, we made the wrong call. We shouldn't have cancelled those holidays/activities, we should have let you go and take your brother separately when he was well." The kids don't feel heard, understood or prioritised. And by trying to shape the relationship with the siblings she's still consistently showing she prioritises one child's feelings over the others.

Are the other kids being kind or reasonable now? No, they're really being twats. But I can see the circumstances in which this resentment has grown and festered.

This is so sad, OP. I'm sorry.

I really don't know what's happening with your children but what strikes me is the way you talk about this poor son. He seems a hero in a very difficult situation.

Might the other 3 children think he's the favourite? Of the 3 are they all equally exclusive? Have you tried talking to the 3 and understanding why they don't get on? I don't think it will work if you just ask them to join him in. You need to understand what their problem is. Acknowledge what they don't like about him. It's all well and good saying "they're vile" etc etc...but they all get on together, more than average siblings by the sound of things. What has made him different in their eyes. Not your eyes.

That would be my course of action as well. Siblings don’t always get along, but I wouldn’t enable this nastiness.

Could a personality clash be contributing? I would have thought the other siblings would have wanted to include your son if they enjoyed his company? You say he is gentle, maybe they perceive him another way. Ultimately you can't force a relationship if they don't want it.

I think its interesting how many are saying what entitled shits
”The Evil Sibling 3” are for going to the private school, yet ds19 is so wonderful… did he go to a different school?

Maybe they don’t want to be responsible for bringing him home early when he ‘feels ill,’ or are having flashbacks and expecting you to insist they cancel their group plans if for some reason he can’t go on the day.

Unless someone has just said to AI "please make up a post to stir up anger on MN" then someone has formulated the idea and just got AI to polish or expand on a idea. AI isn't thinking on its own that it needs to rile up MN posters and sitting back with popcorn.

People replies that seem to think it's about their own childhood and getting over invested and wound up is on them

Also people hate the texture of my working class dyslexic drivel. It's like having your gcse English homework marketed by a Oxford lecturer. Lots looking down noses with no insight that a dyslexic fuckwit might earn more than them as a senior computer programmer as one - variables don't care if your spelt wrong a long as its always spelt wrong and syntax is self checking and rigid on that.

Most of MN is trolling anyway. That's very evident from.the volume of deleted threads.

I.hope my grammar and spelling un checked and un proof read passes standard 🙃

I think there s a black & white thinking between 1 weak, vulnerable child Vs 3 healthy strong children. The “strong” children probably had the same issues that most teenagers have. There needs to be room for everyone.

Everybody is saying that the other dc are horrible, but we only have the mother's opinion of it, which does not exactly come across as unbiased.

A plausible scenario is that the problem child has become so used to everything revolving around him that he expects to dictate everything when he is there. I have a sibling like this. She is not actively horrible most of the time, but she expects everything, and I mean absolutely everything, to be exactly as she wants it and if it isn't she goes straight into victim mode again and creates an atmosphere. She made my brother bloody rearrange his wedding date to suit her (as a result I didn't go).

Which means it's just not fun having her around, so the other siblings don't want her to come. Which means she goes into victim mode again. Which means my mother starts trying to make us all include her. Which pisses us all off even more.

Sibling alienation is becoming more recognised as an issue. Where one seeks to alienate siblings from another.
It can come in adulthood often. And as a result of dysfunctional families. Inheritance can often set it off but it is not the only trigger.
Not well recognised but people are becoming better informed.
The impact is longstanding, damaging and often irreparable.

Okay. Well let’s write it from DC3 perspective.

We are really angry because our mother cancelled some, not all, family holidays due to our brother being sick and disabled at times. We felt overlooked when she spent hours at the hospital or looking after him. We find his poor me/victim mentality so annoying and we are left feeling resentful, angry and invisible.

The other side of this might be that we went on as many holidays as my mother could manage around my brother’s illness, and she did her best to ensure we had a happy childhood. It wasn’t ideal at times, and none of the other kids at my private school had to deal with a sick sibling, but we worked around it as much as we could.

Of course it’s understandable that they felt let down at times, but to go on to bully, isolate and wish their brother dead is a step way too far. Utterly unacceptable.

A disabled child is not a ‘problem’ child ffs. Seriously!!

I wonder if OP’s kids are on here tbh 🧐

I would try some family counselling. The current situation can't be allowed to continue. It's unacceptable for your son and very poor behaviour from the others. I would try not to take advice from others on here. Get some professional advice now before it's too late.

My read it’s more primal than that.

We feel our DM loves DS2 more than us. She often speaks of his birth in a dramatic fashion ie. “It’s part of his life story.” She treats him as in need of protection because he had some respiratory illnesses as a child. Instead of seeing him as artistic and us as academic & sporty, she sees him as someone who is less able and needs to be minded. We have our own stuff going on. We are “private school brats” when DB also went to private school.

We are still being spoken to as if our DB is disabled or seriously ill when he isn’t nor has he ever been.

We are told to appreciate our good health when DB has been in good health for several years but is still being treated the same.

We feel like we just don’t matter as much to our parents.

This is tricky for you OP and hard for you to watch. I wonder if your interventions have possibly served as reinforcement to your kids that DS2 is the priority/special one to you? It certainly sounds like it hasn't worked, so don't do any more of it!
Siblings do not have to like each other or do anything together and at the age they are now its not reasonable to expect them to imo, regardless of illnesses etc. My brothers unfortunately don't get on and this started in their teens when they had to share a room and then when the older one dated a friend of the younger one. They are 47 and 53 and still don't get on now. My mum takes this as a personal slight and has picked a side. It just reinforces alot of what older brother already feels. You can't manage their feelings for each other OP and it will exhaust you to try!

He's not disabled though.