My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

There's an unusual dynamic going on here .... often, older teens/ young adults kids would be doing outings/concerts etc with their respective friend groups, and not all together. My kids are close in age, but have very separate groups they socialise in. They overlap very occaisonally. So if the 3 others were all off doing their own thing with their buddies, and DS2 with his, this would seem like less of a problem
Becuase the 3 others seem to be banding together a lot, then its feeling like a Them Vs Him thing, as opposed to kids each just having their own social life.

I think you hit the nail on the head. If every time he is ill, they also get to miss out, resentment is bound to follow. If you'd done what someone has suggested and split the family so some could have a good time, then this would be so much less. Your other children are now programmed to believe that including him adds the risk of them all losing out. They, rightly, see this as unfair.

Your other 3 are nasty, no need for you to feel guilty. They sound like bullies. I was the 'glass child' Two younger siblings with disabilities and very different needs. I never resented them for it. I feel lucky that my life was more straightforward, I've always been in good health, had a good education and a good career. Advantages my siblings haven't had.
I could give some grace to the 15yo as they're still a child but not the older ones. No advice, I really don't know how you could deal with it. I'd be inclined to ground the 15 yo every time there's nastiness and ask the older ones to leave but that might just push them further in to their nasty little clique.

Nope. I have two brothers. Yep, I got left out sometimes because they didn't always want to play with a girl or take me to things they enjoyed, which was quite upsetting at times. Made me realise that nobody owed me their time and attention. Luckily, my mum knew better than to turn me into a chore, burden and obligation round their necks, so we all still get along well all these decades later.

Not to mention this is a very weird question, and not relevant in any way to the facts.

Don't believe me if you'd rather not - just look it up. This is textbook stuff, quite literally.

That it is understandable does not make it right. If the 17 and 15 year old are funding tickets etc out of money from DP I would stop the money. Little self-centred, entitled twerps need teaching a lesson in being proper brothers and sisters. Friends of theirs in my house mistreating my DS? Those friends no longer welcome.

I have a sibling. We are not friends. We have one shared interest that we do together, maybe 3 times a year. Other than that I see her at family events.

I am friends with people who are similar to me, or who I get along with and connect with. My sister has different life views to me and so we don’t gel well.

It sounds like unfortunately you’ve ended up with a 3-1 dynamic where three are friends and one are not. It’s not a problem in my family as there are just two of us who aren’t friends.

"Overbearing expectations"? What exactly do you mean by that?

Is it really an overbearing expectation to hope they'd include their own brother when they make plans together or go to a concert? The other three do those things together all the time. I don't think it's unreasonable to wish they would include him once in a while, especially when he's done nothing to deserve being left out.

All of this is so completely wrong, OP please ignore.

I've thought about that many times. Who are these friends, and why are they even welcome in my home if they're comfortable mistreating one of my children?

As for my other kids, I'm seriously considering cutting off financial support. If they're old enough to deliberately exclude and disrespect their own brother while living under my roof, then they're old enough to start earning for themselves too.

Maybe that isn't fair. But neither is the way they've treated their brother for years. Perhaps then they'll understand that actions have consequences.

We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

There is so much wrong with this. Speaking as the disabled sibling.

I can imagine as a parent it’s hard to witness.

What do the 3 siblings say when you have asked them about including their brother, have they explained to you why? They may have a different view of their upbringing than you do.

They may very well have some resentment, but they are old enough to not be mean and realise it’s not their brothers fault he has bad health, but also they don’t have to have a relationship with anyone they don’t wan’t to including their brother.

‘The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him.’

There’s no excuse for this, it’s bullying. If you haven’t done so already, I would start be telling them that. Is there a ringleader?

With hindsight, it may have been preferable for one parent to stay with son 2 at home so the others didn’t miss out on holidays etc. but you cannot alter the past. Their ‘resentment’ about this reeks of excuse, entitlement and frankly spoiled children (and by now, the should be functioning, empathetic adults).

I would probably try to arrange some things (maybe a holiday) with son 2 and perhaps sometimes with him and the youngest. The other 2 are old enough to know better; the fact that they don’t speaks volumes about their maturity level. There’s not an awful lot more you can do until they decide to be adults and examine their behaviour.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around.

They sound like little shits. What a dreadful thing to say to your sibling. It's bullying.

Children and young adults can be incredibly selfish and unable to see others perspective or feel empathy. Brains mature later.

They sound awful. Whereas you describe him as kind. You've tried many approaches and they haven't worked.

Do these children fund their own activities, from a part time job? Are they nasty or unhelpful in other ways, eg around the house? How are they towards others with 'differences'.

This sounds really hard. I wonder whether some family therapy may help? To allow each of the siblings (and you as parents) to feel fully heard in their experiences? Look into systemic family therapy approaches.

I know you said you've talked to them, but have you allowed them to fully, really talk to you? To express their feelings about their childhood without judging or denying them?

You can't force true relationships, closeness, and a desire to socialise together. But at the very least (in the absence of abuse, neglect, serious betrayal or other understandable reasons) there should be a level of respect and kindness between siblings. What they're doing sounds like bullying to me.

I have siblings. I frequently do things with one of them that excludes the other. He is a dickhead and he is this way because of the way my parents parented him. No amount of guilt tripping or my mother crying in front of me will change my mind.

I have a disabled daughter. That’s the reason I stopped at 1, because I knew I couldn’t give the time she needed to her, and raise another child (let alone 3 more) in a fair way.

If one of your children felt this way, I could see why it might feel unfair, but that all 3 are in agreement tells a different story. No matter what you think you did that was brilliant, overall their lives have been negatively impacted by your choices as parents. The fact that your entire discourse around this has been focused on his needs, his wants, his experiences and getting them to change, tells us all pretty much how these children have been treated.

If it’s not their brother they are upset with why are they being cunts to him. At their ages saying they wish he was never part of their family and that he wasn’t there qualifies. He has been ill. He is not to blame. They have blamed him.

You can hope, but you can't force them or cry about it in front of them when they don't. If you keep that up, expect them to move on and out as soon as possible. It's not fair on them. They are their own people besides being his siblings. Not all siblings get on, much less if they experience these expectations.

They do need consequences. They sound awful, spoilt and entitled.

Sounds like you’ve raised a bunch of sociopathic bullies. But you can’t force them to include him. Encourage your son to find his own path in life, new friends, hobbies and interests.

I actually think it’s quite odd that your teenagers all socialise together anyway. But I’d stay out of it unless they’re saying nasty things.

Get him out meeting new people etc and don’t make it in to a bigger thing by telling his siblings they have to include him.

The second son is a 19 year old adult. I am more surprised the 20 year old still wants to do things with his sibs rather than uni/ work friends/ girlfriend etc. I think your son needs to build a non family social network. There should be no bullying in the house but it’s patronising to a 19 year old man begging younger siblings to include him. If the 20 year old is encouraging nastiness time for him to leave home.

This will drive them away even further! So their pocket money is to be stopped unless they include their brother in their activities with their pocket money? You’ll drive another wedge between them and their sibling! 🙄

I'm just going to leave this here and bow out.

This is literally text book stuff. I mean there are actual books written on what happens when parents choose to parentify siblings at the expense of the other child's freedom and right not to be pushed into a caregiving or supportive role.

I guarantee this thread is going to go like this - OP will keep arguing, refuse to see it, talk about how cruel I am and anyone else who agrees with me, say we don't get it and basically do everything and anything to avoid the reality of my post.

And a bunch of muppets who cluelessly have no idea about these situations will chime in and keep calling the other siblings names and talking about what meanies they are, completely ignoring the reality that they have been absolutely forced into supportive caregiving roles they never wanted at all. These sorts generally resort to name calling too.

None of that matters.

OP, you no longer have the power to enforce the support/caregiving role on your other children and they have roundly rejected it, as is their absolute right.

You should go to counselling and try to figure out if there is any way you can have a functional relationship with your other children going forward, because they will most likely flee as soon as they can, rarely if ever to be seen again if you keep attempting to coerce them (including trying to punish them financially ffs) into roles they never agreed to and do not want.

It's most unkind to your son to have made his siblings so resentful towards him. Only you can fix this - but you absolutely cannot do that by continuing to nag, demand or cajole. They have rejected your dynamic. Your wish that they be your son's support network and carers won't be happening anymore. You need to make peace with that and find a way to move on.

I have no idea why OP is getting dragged in the replies. I agree with you OP, your 3 children are being vile, at the very least in the words they are saying to him. I also wouldn’t leave one of my children behind on holiday. No advice really OP, but I’d feel much the same as you in being disappointed in my children.

Also the OP doesn’t read like it’s written by AI at all. People are very odd on here sometimes.

They all grew up in the same home with the same parents
unfortunately, not all the effort in the world can make this true
they all grew up in an entirely different environment, with different people and dynamics at different ages, with different versions of you as parents