My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

I agree with the post that that your have responded to. There have been some really awful posts responding to and about OP. However, the worst posts for me are the ones from posters pretty much mocking OP's 19 year old son. Their belittling language paints him as a pathetic attention seeker with pretty much nothing wrong with him apart from a bit of a cold and runny nose.

Did this happen to you, @Tinks2026? Were you what they call a glass child?

A lot of people are saying that people are being rude, have their own disabled children and how this is completely disrespectful are missing the point of he is not disabled.

Surely some of this is now just him. I think the fact he nearly died at birth has led OP to see him as the messiah and allows him to always play the victim card.
The eldest child would have been impacted as the age gap is so small, so when he was born then the eldest would have been left in the care of others during those important early years.

The younger siblings came after, so clearly OP wasn't too affected by the sons near death but it sounds like things got cancelled anytime that son was slightly unwell as they didn't want him to miss out.

Some of this now just sounds like normal children - don't some families have some kids that are more outgoing while others lack energy? OP seems to attribute all this to his near death experience at birth though and believes he should be cared for, at the expense of the other children.

If they read this thread they’d se multiple mentions of glass children, and understanding for them.

And that is not to say their behaviour is ok.

I did t see many, if any of them. I think some people have said Op reactions may have been OTT.

Op, you have had some really strange, almost psychopathic replies on here.

Usually most pp on MN would utterly condemn one child being bullied and being castigated for being poorly or disabled in his own home by his own family. I really don’t understand why you have had so many odd replies. Many pp are often triggered by their own childhoods and project rather than post from a neutral position.

Your other children have used triangulation to turn your son into the black sheep, mainly because they knew he was too gentle or too ill to fight back - they see it as weakness in their teen wired brains.

Even if they have been disappointed by the impact of his illness (which he did not ask for or want to endure) it sounds like they had more than enough positive experiences to outweigh the negative, this is real life - human bodies are not infallible.
It really does boil down to sheer unkindness whatever way you look at this.

The only way you can break this up - is by approaching them individually, and talking to them at length about the possible consequences to their actions, and that you will no longer tolerate it. You may be able to salvage this if you move fast enough.

They don’t need to be the best of friends or even like each other, but they do need to be civil and kind at all times. That is non negotiable.

Nope, not at all. Had two brothers, both healthy, from time to time they ignored me and didn't fancy hanging out with me because I was a girl. They probably have similar memories of me being a bit shit to them from time to time. It's perfectly normal for siblings not to want to always hang together, and it did me good and my mum was not daft enough to try to enforce them being my support network on my brothers (I had plenty of friends anyway so this would have been really weird and just wasn't at all on the menu). So all these years later we still get along well, if a bit distantly as we all moved to different places.

I just know a bit about these things through personal observation and a background in mental health, and OPs very poor parenting choices are screamingly obvious to me.

There is a lot of literature on this, it's not new. OP needs to get counselling or she will completely destroy what's left of her relationship with her three other children and ensure they avoid her favoured son forever.

You don't need to provide any care to be a young carer. Your a young carer by default. My middle boys have the same condition so by default are young carers for each other. Neither has ever been capable of doing any care needs. None of my kids have ever done any caring in fact beyound normal sibling experience. No personal hygiene ever. No feeding anyone even when babies. no dressing them, no homewor. Nothing. Some "keep a eye on him while I hang this washing out" which only extends to make sure he isn't doing something incredibly stupid but no need to interact beyond that. Like you might say to your normal six year old to his normal toddler brother. He's not really looking but can run out to tell me if he's climbed onto the table.

The most important thing for my kids as young carers is they have different life experiences people staring at us in the street. Worries of what will happen to their sibling as they grow up. Seeing parents stressed. All things I could only remove by removing their sibling. They have all been told they will never care for him when I'm dead. That's always been top priority to reassure them and why supported living exists.

It's not about me delegating my duties to them. I have never once needed to do that. But as I said up thread the only way to protect them 100% would have been to send him away. Which is what would have happened in the victorian era.

But even if I had been disabled and my kids then needed to care more for themselves and or me, you don't choose this. No one decides to have say a stroke at 40 so their kids can do their washing and cooking. It's just a shit hand your dealt.

It sounds sad that they leave him out but they are resentful of cancelled holidays and life revolving around him. They are young, they don't want to take someone with them they've got to care for.

My bf's relative is in a similar situation. His relative's siblings refuse to even see him because they know that will be taken as agreement he is their responsibility.

I'd love to hear your DC's version.
In any case, family therapy.

I am really surprised by a lot of the responses here. Imo your kids are behaving terribly. It's never ok to actively exclude someone like that, especially family. I would be reading them the riot act. It's bully behaviour and they're behaving like small children.

You have a background in ‘mental health’ and yet you can’t see the risks to a child being bullied to this degree in their own home, for years?

You haven’t read how Op has validated their feelings for years, and listened to their views and understood it was not ‘perfect’ and done all she could to provide a full and happy childhood. Did you just miss all of that?

Life is not ‘perfect’ for anyone. None if us can know when poor health will hit us. Life can be extraordinarily painful, no one is entitled to a picture perfect Instagram childhood or life. I really feel for op, she should have received much more support from this thread.

Please stop explaining yourself, atleast the few understood your point...Funny some people instead of advising you on what you should do instead they have resorted to criticizing you,yet even in your post you accepted the mistakes you made unknowingly!!! Don't worry all will be fine

Nope, OP has been properly advised by everyone who knows and can clearly see the OP has caused these issues for all of her children.

The advice is clear and actionable - stop trying to bully, coerce, nag, guilt and weep her children into being a support network for her favoured child, as it's no longer working.

And get therapy because she has ruined her relationship with them and it is only going to get worse for both herself and her husband and her favoured son, and they will simply go no or low contact to escape her demands.

Short, almost bullet point like sentences. Sentences and paragraphs that are all almost exactly the same length. American spellings. Everything laid out in an insanely clear way, in a chronological order, that doesnt reflect how actual people recount situations. And then the biggest give away: sections that use repeated words to create a sense of growing momentum or drama, like this:

We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.
I'm just so tired.
☝️Repetition of We've for emphasis

I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty
☝️Repetition of I feel for emphasis.

A few lines later, it does the same with "Maybe". Like: "maybe this....maybe that. Or maybe...."

"Mental health" doesn't have to go in scare quotes, what an odd choice.

The favoured son is not being and has not been bullied, his mother has caused the three unfavoured children she has been relentlessly bullying for years to act in exactly the manner that could have easily been predicted. This is what happens when you force children into caregiving and support roles against their will and use every trick in the book, weeping, guilting, financial power, endless nagging, to try to enforce the roles you have picked for them.

It's textbook. There are literally books and literature on this that are easy to access.

But you are absolutely clueless and deliberately so. And as you simply don't like the facts, are attempting to deflect.

Nothing you said is actually relevant.

I will do what I did a while ago and restate my correct and factual points, then ignore the thread for a while, as it is impossible to get through to people - like you - who are completely uneducated on the topic and still insist on babbling and burbling.

This. They are old enough to know what bullying is. Family is family. Yes it’s unfair they missed a few holidays but a lot of children get no holidays at all. Life isn’t fair and no excuse to treat him like this.

Reminder, OP, you need therapy for you and your husband or you will finish destroying the relationship you have with your three unfavoured children and ensure they avoid their brother completely, and forever.

I will check back tomorrow as the thread has gone the way I expected and predicted - OP is in complete denial and the clueless are name calling and cheering her on.

It may not be too late to salvage something from your poor parenting choices OP, but if you continue to deny the consequences of turning your son into his siblings' burden, you are doing your favoured son no actual favours.

Yeah absolutely this. Its a long thread so I havent read it and no doubt theres a lot of fluff and guff about how difficult it must have been for the other 3 to have cancelled trips etc etc etc

Yes life can throw up disappointments at times, but you get over it becuase he's your brother and these are your parents.

I wouldnt allow this and be very severe with my other kids for this.

Doesn't surprise me at all, OP. Private schools are famous for churning out arrogant gits who don't have empathy. (Obviously not all private school kids are like this!) I think it's about entitlement.

I think that the sooner the other kids are at uni or get jobs, and experience real life, the sooner their bubble will be punctured. You might want to give them somewhat less financial support than you'd been planning on, so they have to get jobs like other students.

Don't listen to some of the batshit replies. MN has some cold posters. Ignore the nihilistic attitude that siblings don't have to have any kind of relationship with each other. I mean, come to that, none of us are obliged to have any relationship with anyone - our parents, our spouses, our siblings. We can just go around dumping everyone related to us who loves us. 🙄 Some PP are hyper-independent of any family ties whatsoever and can't see why anyone else would be upset about families being cold and unloving. If this isn't an attitude that you can understand at all (except in cases of abuse/neglect) then I really would ignore those replies, because their attitudes towards family are so far from yours, it's not useful. I can't understand them at all, and if you're like me, you won't get anything useful out of their posts because it's like they're speaking a foreign language.

I do not think that including your son in a concert amounts to being his carer, lol!

I think they're being awful, but it does sound like they've been spoilt, and have been around other spoilt, entitled kids at their school. I think it's time they got jobs in places like supermarkets or cafes, part-time around their studies, or full-time if not. That'll soon take them down a peg or two, cleaning out the coffee-machine pipes, being spoken to like shit by customers, not being allowed to answer back, and having crappy bosses. Sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Just tell them that you don't have as much money as you used to, and keep them somewhat short until they realise they have to get jobs if they want more fun money.

Things will surely improve when they're not all living under the same roof.

And don't let the three of them see weakness. You did your best as a parent and they should be grateful, not causing these problems. Don't take any crap from them.

You could do this but you already have 3 children who resent their brother and now they are even given out to again. The Op has already had this conversation - it’s in her posts.

DS2 is now a healthy 19 year old with his own life.

The other 3 are lumped together as the stronger better able kids, it is highly unlikely that none of them ever had a challenge in life.
They have their own needs and challenges. They don’t need to hear about their brother’s near death 20 years later. It is primal, they need to feel that mummy loves & cares about them just as much as DS2.

What if op is using AI to re write posts? I'm constantly being belittled as thick for being dyslexic on here. AI doesn't write itself. I doesn't have independent thought. It's all a human behind it.

Besides even if 50% of MN was made up AI the people investing such strong anger is on them..it's just MN.

A couple of examples from posters who clearly don't think that he had anything worse than a cold or a blocked nose.

'So this 19 year old MAN had a stuffy nose when younger that was treated but is STILL treated as a “ delicate wee boy” by his mother.'

'Dodgy nose that needed fixing with surgery. So the other three spent their whole lives having anything fun cancelled the second child 2 got a cold.'